Call me lazy, call me inconsistent, call me a master procrastinator, call me a lazy writer; call me whatever you want to call me, I couldn't care less...
I am not making any excuses but my actions are always triggered by something that have happened. Certain situations, that triggers my melancholic emotions are always my downfall.
The reason why I haven't written anything in 2weeks was because, I lost someone to suicide... Someone I knew, but lived far away. She had the brightest smile and she was the most passionate person for Christ that I ever knew. And the news of her loss to suicide was all a shock for us who knew her, she was everything I wanted to be cause she radiated Christ's furious love. I wish I had messaged her before though, I would have stopped her deadly plans that would have sent her straight down to eternal damnation. Until now I still feel so guilty for not being able to help her or to simply encourage her, I thought she was just doing fine though because when I was deep in depression, she would always send daily devotional scriptures which helped me see a bit of God's light while I was in the dark valley, I actually thanked her for it and we chatted for a bit and that's all. Then one day, she just stopped sending the scriptures and something in my guts told me that there is really something wrong with her but I shunned the thought of it, because I thought that she might have just been busy with school or church activities but little did I know that she was already in isolation and was feeling so alone, until one day she couldn't just take it anymore and took things into her own hands. And just like that, she was gone. She ceased to exist. She was everything I wanted to be, but she turned out who I was supposed to be; dead. It's very bloody to think that a year ago I could have been the one in her place, and she could have been saved. Thoughts like that are still haunting me, because she really deserve to live and I to die. Suicide never ended her pain, it continued on with the ones that were left behind.
Suicide never gives you the freedom you wanted, it's a portal to a place wherein a lake of fire will come at you in waves and a lot of gnashing of teeth full of regrets and remorse will be your neighbors. It'll only lead you to an eternity full of pain and damnation.
So please, if you are in a dark place right now, reach out to someone that you can talk to and trust with your deepest and darkest secrets. Or you can reach out to me, I'll surely help you out because I've been there and I know how it feels like to be alone. And if you are a reader that is just fine, please do reach out to the people around you that you think is deteriorating mentally. Be someone, whom someone can feel secured with. Being nice won't hurt you, but being rude might cost a life to be cut short. The choice is yours. Save a life or end a life.
REACH OUT AND SAVE A LIFE.
SPEAK UP AND SAVE YOUR SOUL
And a week after that tragedy, I was met with another heartbreaking situation... I've let go of this special someone because I just had to, even though it hurts. What we had was promising at first, but later on he became emotIonally lazy.. I spoonfed his emotions and he became as dry as the Sahara desert, I was his only choice before but I became an option when he only felt convenient to give me his attention. So yeah, I didn't felt secured with him any longer, I had to do what's best for me and him. Maybe he was just too scared to let go, so I took things in my own hands. I sent him a farewell message and done. No more emotonal ties. I had to do it, in order for me to guard my own heart because if I prolonged whatever we had then it would be harder for me to let go in the long run.
Better have a heartbreak right now, than regret something for the rest of my life.
That's all for today!
@churchgaldiaries, signing out. xoxo.
