I've lived much of my life viewing it as a curse, as something to escape from. It didn't dawn on me until recently that it was my own idealogies that I needed to escape from, that I've been holding myself back with my chronic tunnel vision, tendency to overthink and overanalyze, and a persistent need to control the outcome of everything.
Despite the fact that in my mind I've justified blaming other people for my misfortunes, the truth is that I've been my own worst enemy all along. Somehow (subconsciously or maybe superconsciously) I think I knew that I was the enemy because while criticizing others, I've also relentlessly criticized myself...for years on end.
What were the missing links preventing me from living a life I don't need to escape from?
In order to lead a life worth living, I have to be ready and willing to give it all up and realize that not everything is within my control. It's because of grace that I was given this day to live -- not because it's owed to me.
Up to this point, I'd always been holding on so tightly rather than enjoying and cherishing the moments I'm given. With my new perspective, if I were to leave this world today, I would leave it knowing that I love the people in my life and that they know I love them, too. Knowing this is all I need in order to feel a sense of purpose and happiness; everything else is merely extra.
To me, life is more about loved ones and time well spent -- and less about status, power, money, and careers.
What else has been standing in my way?
Anyone who knows me offline knows I have been unwilling to share my thoughts, aspirations, expectations, and passions with pretty much everyone. How can I expect those I love to connect with me if I shut the door of communication in their faces every day? I've preferred silence my entire life, and silence is strategic at times, but not when it prevents me from making human connections. I have been forever shrouded in mystery and that might be cute in certain circumstances, but it gets old fast.
To put it simply, I've been ignorantly sabotaging myself and casting self-inflicted misery upon my daily life. I've done it so often and for so long that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I became institutionalized to my own abuse.
It took me so long to realize the errors of my ways, but I'm on board now. I finally feel free from the lifelong restraints I've placed on myself.
Life is an adventure and I will no longer sabotage that adventure with self-imposed nonsense.