This subject is a bit different from content I planned to start writing about. I apologize. Also, I can not think of a title for this post. I began writing this a few nights ago, so if the mood in it changes with each new paragraph, it is because I have attempted to finish it a few times, this is what it has become. SMH. It started out being about something entirely different but it has become a shitshow about my week.
Whats up Family?
Today I am a goofy mood. I have been spending far too much time alone, and seem to be hitting walls in every aspect of this life I could have given up on years ago but my life, has a life of it's own. Real shit people. No matter how fucked things get , and I can feel very safe saying not many could have walked a mile in my stilettos without wanting to shoot themselves directly in the face after taking 5 steps, much less a mile.
But yeah, my life is its own entity. I never seem to have control over it. I would have offed myself years ago... but no, my live selfishly wants to live so- I seem to tag along like a sleepy, hungry child being dragged by her selfish, narcissistic trophy wife, mother to a Bloomingdales sale armed with her flaccid husbands platinum card.
I have been studying for an apprenticeship that nobody wants to give me because I am a woman. Oh how the tables have turned. I remember when being a hot chick made my life far to easy... Like so easy that my life must not have gotten the memo when I decided that I was over exploiting my looks, and actually wanted to be proud of myself for makin shit happen in my life without a hard dick someplace paying my way... an keeping it 100, I am not 21 anymore, and every year
thousands of younger and way badder girls then me appear from no where. I kept up a competitive spirit for a long time because I knew I was bader at 24 then 95% of the 18 year olds that were fresh in the scene. But let me tell you... trying to compete for so many years with young girls who, when I wiped my clouded ego out of my eyes .. seemed to just get hotter and hotter. Like, It came to a point that no matter what I looked like at there age or at mine... I could not say I compared at all.
I suppose that when you shave off slivers of your soul and sell them, the first price the devil makes you pay... is to force you to eat the forbidden fruit, and for me... when I was force fed that garden of eden apple... I did not find myself to be naked... I lost my confidence. That had to be it, because I know I physically did not change... Just all of a sudden I started to look in the mirror and I hated who was looking back at me. When you hate someone, it is very difficult to see anything pretty about them.
So now after a few years of fighting for who I want to be , with who I was... I am SO close! Finished school. I am certified, I am invested thousands of dollars in equipment for what I want to do. The biggest sacrifice is not being with my little girl who is hitting her teens and needs me so much. But I don't want to talk about that, it is very painful to think about much less type each letter of my thoughts on her.
I have done all the shit grown ups do... including not smoking weed, not bar hopping or trolling on Craigslist or clubbing to distract me from ...gosh ..EVERYTHING. I am trying to be a grown ass woman and do what grown ups do... like study and get into careers that are boring but pay well... ALL I NEED TO Finally GET OUT THIS COCOON and get the one thing I do it all for... to finally be with my baby girl again.
Let me tell you Family! This shits not fun, but I tell myself that this is what grown ups do.
Anyway.. Being that I am a woman and trying to get into a male dominated industry I am having an incredibly hard time. I keep getting told that I can intern for people and they ALWAYS dog me...
I am starting to think that maybe they do not know I am a woman cuz I sure am getting Jerked off like an 18 year old guy in a Tijuana whorehouse!
Today the way I got jerked off was epic! This guy at the very last minute tells me that he does not think I have enough knowledge in this field yet, and tells me that he will call me tomorrow to get some training but when I come he wants me to know ALL of the OSHA, NESHAP,EPA, NIOSH, AHERA, and TDH rules and regulations along with all asbestos CFR's (Codes of federal regulations) and also all the RFCI codes and regs and to make sure I also catch up on the RFCI TAHPR ARC-21 regulations as well! He ads "and try to get it all on a file in your phone too"
Listen, I am sure most of you don't know what any of that is , but it is a lot! The comment about me not knowing enough to intern and to memorize basically every environmental health code and regulation in Texas "by tomorrow" all nonchalantly was an especially nice touch. I know he is trying to passive-aggressively bully me.
I was in a panic all day, and trying to memorize everything he said for me to make sure I knew by the AM.
I looked outside and saw a cat, for some reason I took a picture of it. I guess I needed a 30 second distraction.
That was two days ago, here is how it went since then
I stay up all night studying, then made sure I was ready to walk out the door the next day.
He flaked on me AGAIN!
He was kind enough to let me know that the only thing really holding me back is that I am white and do not speak spanish, and that I am a woman.
Nothing serious or anything. I guess as soon as I can fix those two little setbacks I will be golden.
I FEEL SO ISOLATED