🌸 When I entered my relationship it wasn't just me as I am.
It was my little girl who fell in love.
And very deeply.
All she wanted was to be held, the whole day long, head on his chest, being held in safety.
Protected.
As I was growing up I never felt safe.
Bad things happened to me when I was six years old and I totally blocked them out, to let them surface years and years later, when I was ready to heal.
My parents never learned any other way to raise and correct children than using violence. So I never knew how to feel safe. How to feel good enough nor how to feel loved and protected from the big bad world outside. My bad world was on the inside.
My whole life I dreamt of pure love. Devotion and passion.
It would be me and no one else my man will lay his eyes on.
Dreams are just that. Dreams. Life showed me different ways and I had to grow up faster than I was ready for. But this little girl in me, she never left.
She was sitting in the dark, softly crying and waiting for a rescue.
🌸 Then he came. She fell head over heels. She lived in euphoria. He was so pretty and he loved her.
He made smoothies for her. He fed her magical health chocolate. He took her out to have fun.
It was such a different experience, nothing like she ever knew before.
But he also neglected her need to be held 24/7.
He did lay his eyes on other women. He didn't protect her against his demons. And he even rejected her.
Many times, in the moments she needed him most. It was terrifying and very lonely.
She kept falling into the darkness over and over again.
She fell and got up. Climbed out of the well back to the to the daylight.
As soon as she forgot about her bruises enjoying the sun: bam! There she went again.
Time passes. Pain comes and goes. Being in love disappears. And then a shift happens. Portals open.
The divine shows up and leads the way. Through the tears, visions get more clear.
🌸 So many things I've done through the years for my personal development.
So many healings and tools I've learned.
But nothing works as profoundly as meeting another fire.
The fire which burns down all my bullshit to ashes.
My wounds created my demons. My little girl was unleashing them into my life.
My man left me to be drowned in the pools of their evil. And yes, I did drown many times.
Many times I had to die.
Each time I was disappointed.
Each time I was blaming.
Each time I looked at him with the eyes of a victim.
Wounded woman.
Rejected lover.
Abandoned child.
I was all of them.
A funny thing happened whilst I was drowning once again.
Instead of letting myself be paralyzed, I started to move.
I learned how to swim.
I looked the demons into their eyes. And therein I saw nothing but myself.
Art credit: Louis Royo
🌸 Now I see, how my pain was leading me to heal those wounds of my little girl.
My man once told me: "Soft healers create stinky wounds."
What that means is, you have to get to the bottom. You have to open it up, pour some kind of disinfection in it, leave it open to bleed, and let the body take care of it. It will hurt, it will burn and it will take some time. But it will be taken care of.
It will not be covered nicely by new skin while pus is growing underneath. Hidden, to poison you inside.
So, now it seems my "pain in the ass" man is one of my greatest teachers as well. He is the kind of a teacher who throws you in the deep and lets you drown till you find you knew how to swim all along. And that is exactly what I needed.
I didn't want it any other way.
Because I never meant to stay a little girl. Depending and insecure.
I wanted to be wild and free.
If I let this little girl take all decisions I will never learn who I am and what I am capable of.
So here we go, climbing out of the well once again.
But now I am leaving the victim on the bottom.
Time will show to what shift does it lead.
For now, I am the one who is holding my little girl.
And I am inviting Love in any way she chooses to show up because I realized that Love is the only way out.
Nika🌸
