Billy was late for work.
He came to this startling realization when his adventures with the pixie dragon were cut short by an angry Poseidon banging his trident against the coast line. Poseidon turned out to be a garbage truck, and would have probably never entered Billy's dream had Billy's alarm gone off as intended.
It didn't, and now he was late. Fuck meee. He could only slam his head against the bus window, forced to sit next to smelly Ms. Gentry. It was bad enough she was his neighbour, now he was trapped, forced to endure her scented babble.
"And then John came by, and you know what he did? He picked up her doggy and ran off!" She cackled like an old witch in the woods, which for all Billy knew might've been her job description.
He nodded, contemplating for the hundredth time whether taking the bus was the right call. Uber or Taxi was a definite no go, with the amount of traffic present at this time of day, the difference in time between a car and bus ride was negligible. And Billy needed all the money he could spare. So the bus was his chariot.
"But Jon? Oh that rascal got what was coming to him, let me tell ya."
"Please do."
"Well. Him and Bertha were all over each other and -"
"Sorry." Saved by the ringing of his office cell. "Hey, Martha. Thank you. Good morning."
"Thank me? For what? Where are you?" Martha, his boss, and possible future ex-wife, sounded mildly annoyed.
"Currently on my way. Alarm didn't go off. Should be there in fifteen minutes."
"You forgot to set your alarm? Today? The day we have the pitch meeting?" Martha now sounded genuinely annoyed.
Fuck me. Billy, still in a sleepy daze, had forgotten all about the meeting. "I'm gonna make it. I'm moving as fast as I can."
"You better make it. Where are you exactly?"
"On Fifth."
"On Fifth?"
"In a bus."
"In a bus?"
"..."
"Listen to me you little shit." Martha, his boss and possible future ex-wife, sounded redy to fire him levels of annoyed. "You get off on Sixth and you grab the subway. Understand? You'll shave off five minutes and get here slightly late for the meeting."
She was right. "You are right." But Billy was too sleepy. "I should've grabbed the subway. But my head doesn't work when I wake up, Martha. I've yet to have my cop of joe."
"I'll give you your cup of joe along with an extra cup of smack if you don't get here in ten minutes."
The bus signalled the Sixth as its next station. Billy extracted himself from the Smell Trap. "Good day, Ms. Gentry. Gonna make a mad dash to the subway in hopes of shaving off five minutes of my travel time."
"Goddamn it Billy. I'm not your fucking nanny." Martha hung up.
Great.
To say the streets were crowded would be a stupid understatement. A Hot Dog man had his cart in a most precarious position, forcing Billy to walk around him. Which in turn made a mangy dog bark at Billy, loudly, so loud Billy dropped his cup of joe. He tried kicking the dog, missed, landed on his butt. Got laughed at by two schoolgirls in a van, and more importantly, missed the green light on the crosswalk.
I am having a great time. Yea. This street is beautiful. yea. Might lose my job, but who cares, right? Yea.
Billy cared. Billy cared a lot. It was his fault anyway, getting too high yesterday, forgetting to set his alarm - even if he swore he did. I need a new phone. Among a plethora of other things, this one had too many quirks. And a teleportation device.
The subway was a bad play at this point. He would have to run to the station, and still would probably miss the eight train. There was only one thing left - Billy ran.
Remember, the streets were teeming. Billy did his best Ali impression weaving through pedestrians and small children while still keeping a moderate pace. But he wasn't doing good on time. Soon he realized he'd made another stupid decision, as his window was closing at a desperate rate. Fuck me, mannn.
Desperate times called for stupid measures. Billy cut through a particularly putrid alley, jumped over a chain-linked fence, slipped, fell into some cat shit. Tried again, succeeded, only to catch another red light at the crosswalk.
Office cell had no mercy neither. "Where are you?"
"Hey, yea, Martha. I might...smell, during the meeting I mean. Kinda, had a couple accidents." Billy's tone was as pathetic as a soaking feline.
"Where are you, Billy? You didn't catch the train?"
"No. I'm telling you, Martha. Today is not my day. There was this hot dog man -"
"I don't give a fuck about your eating disorder, Billy." Martha whispered. Not good. "The board members are entering the building as we speak, you have five minutes to get your ass in this chair in front of me, or plant your ass in a grocery store somewhere because you won't be working in this firm anymore. You hear me?"
Green light. "Loud and clear, Martha. What if my stench frightens off the suits though?"
"Fucking -" She hung up again.
It was Billy's turn to be mildly annoyed. Probable future ex-wives... am I right? He was quick, give him credit he was the fastest he'd been since high school. Nearly mowed over a crowd of preschoolers waiting to cross the street, but hey, no one's perfect. What is it with kids man? Is it some karmic thing?
Suffice to say, Billy tried, but Billy inevitably always failed. He was twenty minutes late when he reached his firm's building, and the security lady at the entrance knew it. "She won't be happy with you today, Mr. Williams." Billy didn't fail to notice her wrinkled nose, did he smell that bad?
As he was waiting for his elevator. the cleaning lady bumped into him. He let it go, focused on what he would say to Martha and the suits. When she did it a second time, he turned to see Ms. Gentry grinning like the predator she was.
"Hello neighbour, I didn't know you worked here." Billy sometimes didn't either. "How come I've never seen you?"
Billy had made it a point to always avoid Ms. Gentry at work. So much so, he'd forgotten she even worked in the same building. "I... actually, it doesn't matter. I'm running really late right now."
"Well why did you get off the bus? I arrived five minutes ago."
"I... don't know..."
"Well, seeing as how you're the best neighbour in the world. You want me to cover for you?"
"How... would you do that?"
I could say you arrived on time but had an accident. Spillage on your fine coat or something. Or, even better, that you were making googly eyes at the pretty cleaning lady." She cackled.
Billy opened his mouth to retort but had nothing. "Could you... could you go up to the tenth floor, board room delta, and tell them I was hit by a bus or something?"
"I can do that."
"Or better yet. Tell them I was cornered by a representative from marketing. That'll do just fine." Will buy me enough time to clean up and look presentable. Not to mention make me seem busy.
"I could... however, you'd owe me..."
"I would. Would you do that?"
"Okay..."
"Great, thanks Ms. Gentry."
Billy nodded than rushed to the nearest restroom. While he was cleaning his coat and brushing the dirt out of his hair, he thought about the favor he'd owe his smelly neighbour. But, eh, how bad could it be? She got him out of a tight pinch. She was really a nice lady, when you came down to it. She'd probably forget all about the favor.
In a week, Billy would realize the probability was equal to having your boss be your future ex-wife. Or your actual ex-wife. At any rate, as he sat across from Ms. Gentry on Saviano's terrace, he could think of only one thing.
Fuck. Meee.
Ok, this was a fun one. I needed a switch-up from all the blood and seriousness I've been writing lately. π
This was meant to be a funny lil' comedy piece. A bit insensitive maybe, but hey, I like that humor so π. Hope you guys enjoyed it all the same.
Obligatory shout-out to the πPIZZAπ gang, π€ gang. π€
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Have a good one! π