It's been raining for many days now, and seems I have lost count already,in this post , I just want to rant out because it is as if I am not understanding myself anymore and somehow I feel I might just explore, but let me get it out here, so yesterday I was telling a friend of mine how it is as if I don’t even have a clear direction in my life right now , you know everything just feels like I am in one place, waiting for something to move, you get? So I finished my OND in April and I am still waiting for my results to come out so I can know my next step of my life, but even that one feels like it is taking forever to show, I thought by now I would have had a clue of what the next step or move would be, but nothing seems certain yet.
Even right now, getting a job is even another battle on its own, see It is not like I am just sitting and folding my hands , I have been submitting my resume to places, but most of the jobs either do not call back or when they do, the location is just something else entirely , even one of them that looked promising was just too far, Omo by the time I calculated transport and stress, I knew deep down I wouldn’t be able to keep up with it, The money I would be spending to go and come back was even more than what I would be earning in a week.
Then o, as if that was not enough, another thing happened again that just broke me entirely.
I got a voice note from my ex-husband, and the first thing he said was that I have left the kids all by themselves , that I am not looking after them, that I have abandoned them and honestly, that thing just strongly pierced my chest , because it is not true.
The kids are with my parents, and when I say my family has been doing everything to support me the way they can through this phase of my life, I am not exaggerating, They are helping me take care of the children, while I am trying to get back on my feet , they are not complaining , that I know very well because they have been feeding, guiding, and giving those kids the care they need, And me too I do send whatever I have with me to them to make sure they are good.
See what just annoyed me the most was the fact that he was saying all this without even contributing a kobo to their well-being at all, No support, no help, no anything just criticism ,Like You are not helping me, you are not supporting your kids, but you have the mouth to talk? Omo It really got to me.
That day, after the voice note and messages , I just quietly entered the bathroom and cried, see the reason I cried hard is because it felt like I was being blamed for everything , even when I am trying so hard to just survive and make something out of this moment in my life.
See just I am not writing this for pity at a I just need to get it off my chest , because sometimes, keeping everything bottled up makes it even harder to breathe ,me I am tired of pretending that I am fine when I am not.
Yes... I know this is just a phase, and it will surely pass ,but right now, it just hurts so much and I just needed to say it out.
Images are Mine
