Experiences of the last few months have sent me a reminder of something that’s always in the back of my mind. Reflection time again. When I do that, I withdraw from the world as much as possible to give myself the space and time to work with whatever it is, to go deep down inside. To explore it. To look at all those painful dark places in the back of the closet. You know, all those things you don’t want to see. I’ve had a couple of runners lately and other kerfuffle.
There’s always some sort of poopy crap at some point, always. A disturbance within the ocean waves. If only I would behave, be a good girl, do as I am told, live up to expectations, focus on meeting other people’s needs, be what they want me to be, and for freak’s sake stop asking questions, just stop. I’m a bad, bad, bad girl and now I’m paying for it. I’m paying for being my authentic self, for being true to that. You know what? This is not a new experience. It’s the story of my life.
This is where I started. It’s the story of my life, so what? This is old stuff I’ve explored to death. Why is it manifesting in my life again? There’s something new I need to look at here. I take everything I experience in life as an opportunity to learn and grow. I’ve been doing what I describe as “sitting with it”, in other words, being with what I was feeling, thinking, and experiencing. Not denying. Not avoiding. Looking right at it, watching my thoughts, emotions, and behaviour closely.
Throughout my life, I’ve been part of all manner of groups at one point or another. The same dynamics always play out in any group, only the details differ. I’ve had some really good times in groups. That said, it usually goes south fast when I express viewpoints and/or behaviour contrary to how the group thinks. Herd mentality is the antithesis to the individual.
“The Asch Conformity Experiments were a series of psychological experiments conducted by Solomon Asch during the 1950s. The experiments revealed the degree to which a person's own opinions are influenced by those of groups. Asch found that people were willing to ignore reality and give an incorrect answer in order to conform to the rest of the group.”
The more one conforms to group think, the more one is accepted by the group, or society, since that is also a group. At the same time, one is sacrificing one’s individuality in order to gain that acceptance and be a successful group member. If one exerts one’s individuality, one pays the consequences for that choice. Get back in line, or else you’ll be punished. Conformity can be dangerous, as Milgram demonstrates.
”Milgram Obedience Experiment and short video are experiments Stanley Milgram conducted beginning in 1961. “If an authority figure ordered you to deliver a 400-volt electrical shock to another person, would you follow orders? Most people would answer with an adamant "no." However, the Milgram obedience experiment aimed to prove otherwise.”
These are the experiments I recalled from research I’ve done into group behaviour over the years. I’ve noticed that individuals who are part of a group (myself included), will go against their own beliefs, ethics, and moral code in order to belong to and maintain their position within a group. This occurs in employment situations also. There are no exceptions that I have experienced.
Deeper I went into exploring this. It expanded out into the realization that this begins in childhood for all humans, this pressure to conform to group think and behaviour. It is the way of this world. We are set against each other from the outset. To be left out of the group is terrifying for many. To stand in one’s own position, operate autonomously and express one’s individuality is a threat to how this world operates. Do not dare to question anything or express a different viewpoint, just do as you are told, spoken or unspoken or be ostracized.
Whether people wish to acknowledge it or not, we all suffer as a result of such dynamics. All I know, is that the moment I start conforming to what others want, behaving in ways that are in opposition to who I am, I become absolutely miserable, the most unhappy and unbearable human to be around. It also encourages me to do harmful behaviour towards others, to retaliate for the mistreatment I’m experiencing within a group. I know it does the same to others, since I’ve observed that for years. So yeah, no one is winning in these situations, even when there is the perception that some are winning. That’s an illusion.
Those that ran from me recently, two of them, ironically, happen to have the same sort of belief system I was brought up with and left behind long ago. Each of these two people is quite forward about their belief systems, constantly reinforcing it in their conversation. I took them at their word, that they live what they say they believe. You know that expression, “practice what you preach”.
Nope. I watched both of them act in contradiction to their dearly held belief system in several ways, all influenced by group think. My observations were that neither had the self-awareness to consciously see that this is what they were doing. I said nothing to either of them about it. Both did the I Ran So Far Away thing when asked a question. Silence. Okay then. I moved on. I won’t chase anyone. “Run away” behaviour tells me where a person is at. Best to let go and leave them there, since it’s not my responsibility.
Recently on a show, I said something to the effect of how important it is to pay attention when anyone approaches you, to observe how they are and ascertain what their reasons are for wanting to come closer to you. It was suggested to me that I’m guarded. Yes, I am guarded at times. It depends on how a person approaches me, what their motivations are, and what they are seeking from me. Being too friendly can be a problem. Recent burnings have reinforced this.
Throughout my life, I’ve learned that people have all kinds of motivations for wanting to connect. Sometimes those motivations are of a malicious or self-serving nature. The person isn’t interested in developing an authentic connection. They are focused primarily on what they want. Forget what it costs the other person or the damage their behaviour causes. Within a group dynamic, people who operate from such a place have the potential to cause a great deal of harm, especially if they are in a position that allows and supports it. Evidence of this is everywhere in the world, should one decide to actually see it.
An old friend said to me once, “Tread carefully in the jungle, be aware of how you step”. I’ll add to that, know yourself, be aware of your choices, and what motivates you to make them.
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera.
