Ever sat down and have that certain feeling wash over you? You can feel your heart pumping. You become restless. Suddenly, you think things are easy to execute and you can do everything if you put your whole being into it. At this point, you could say it's an adrenaline rush... Or whatever high it is.
Some nights ago, I was having a very hyped moment for myself. I hope it wasn't just the coffee talking or mere 5 AM thoughts. But hey, this is the product of that musing.
Or I can give myself a pat, but it's not as warm as the embrace I want to envelop myself in! I'm proud of myself for taking strides that day. While they're not yet on the healthiest path (since my sleeping schedule's pretty messed up), these steps should be taking me somewhere good... Yes?
Endless mental lists of plans for X, Y, and Z suddenly seem attainable and I'm buzzing with excitement about crossing items out! The thinker in me wants to wonder if this Venus retrograde is aiding my personal endeavors, and/or if it could simply be the levels of my willpower inching closer to what I want to do and become in the coming days.
Daydreams of getting @arcmilla active, having to work on personal and community projects, testing and grinding multiple Web3 games... and so much more. I've been dying to work on them ever since April. I've been dying to get out of my head.
Countless attempts of moving forward, only to curl back during my deepest and darkest moments. Sleepless nights from trying to sit with my shadows. For a time, all I could do was cry and fight back the urge to leave everything behind. Rinse and repeat.
I hate messing things up when I have them perfectly visualized in my head. Running away, dropping the ball, and not even bothering to start have always been my go-to choices whenever I see the odds of failing is much higher than succeeding. These old tactics work and they sure do for various reasons. But only for a limited time.
A friend once questioned this choice of mine and asked, "What if it doesn't fail?"
That time, I was way too fragile to take more punches. I was carefully choosing my battles for I had so little energy to work with. And yes, I gave a response somewhere along those lines. There are some things I can't risk - one of them is this little amount of sanity that I have.
However, my sanity tells me I have to a be tad bit unhinged to get things going. Rock bottom is starting to get boring and I'll get nowhere if I keep on shielding myself too much.
And crazy I will be! It's going to be super tough to go through but I can't let that stop me. Yes, the fears will be there. Yes, maybe a crueler version of myself is lurking in one of the corners of my mind, waiting for me to fail and get horribly upset about it. Heck, they're already telling me shit as I try to type now. But what the hell? Sure, I can let them talk to me for a while. I'll let them talk so I know how can I treat them better. Can't fight fire with fire.
I may still be learning how to cope with numerous failures from the past, but it's high time that I send my energy out into the world. It's time to create endless mistakes and learn lessons from them. And who knows, it could turn into a beautiful mess.
If you're stuck in a rut just as I am, I hope that you find comfort in the thought that it's all temporary. Agonizing, yes. But it's not forever. Despite the mess of it all, take care of yourself. You got this.
Eat your meals. Stay hydrated. Gather as much energy as you can.
And hey, thanks for stopping by.
Arc likes to play games on and off the blockchain when she's not lurking around Hive/Wax.
Personal and creative dumps are all over arcgspy.
Blockchain gaming content, and beyond, will be at arcmilla.
Check her out around the interwebz:
Avatar created via picrew.me
Twitch (ENG)▶️
Facebook (FIL) ▶️
Twitter 🐦