Traumas sucks. Bigtime.
Especially when you've nurtured that shit at a very young age. No matter how much you try to change yourself, some bits and pieces still linger into your mental state that destroys your whole being.
And worse? It affects everyone around you.
One of my Childhood Traumas is being too anxious and sorrowful when someone is disappointed in me for stuff I didn't even intentionally do wrong.
For example, when I did something wrong BUT wasn't intentionally done, or like it was only just an accident, they always shout and get so mad at me. I could feel that they're so disappointed on what I did. I'm not the type of person who could fight back and stand on one's truth, (since I wasn't raised to be strong-willed), so there's was nothing I could do but to just listen and accept that it IS MY FAULT.
IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.
I AM A MISTAKE.
I'M STUPID.
I'M GOOD FOR NOTHING.
I'M USELESS.
And people still get annoyed at me or even wonder why I'm so negative in every situation.
Well folks, I was fed with negative remarks so it kinda is a normal thing to me already.
What's my Defense Mechanism on this?
Silence. Ignored. Solitude.
In our house, whenever my parents get mad at me, or they get mad at each other, they don't talk it out. Instead, we ignore each other. We don't talk, we don't eat together, we don't regard that person as existent in the household.
You're basically just like a wind. You're there, but at the same times, you're not.
This is quite hard to overcome, especially since I have someone I am intimately committed to: my first boyfriend.
This trauma affects our relationship greatly.
There was one time he asked me to do something for him, and I voluntarily did it in exchange for a certain reward. So it was kind of like a win-win solution for the both of us.
I did well completing that task for months but since I'm human, I was prone to mistakes.
There was a day that I forgot to do his task, and it affected him greatly. Particularly at his work. So I was saying so much sorries that they were excessive already. I was also having a little panic attack. I got anxious. I even wanted to compensate financially so that I could solve the problem.
But even if I did that, he was still
Disappointed
Ahh shit.
But he was calm to say that there's nothing we both could do since it happened already. The only thing we can do is to move on.
But I wasn't the type to move on. I knew he was disappointed. I went overthinking all the negative stuff he's thinking about me already.
And so, I did my defense mechanism. I didn't talked to him. I didn't texted him. I didn't sent a single reply. It was the only thing I know I could do to achieve peace.
A superficial peace.
Bottomline, it's hard to overcome childhood traumas. What's worse is that, IT'S NOT MY FAULT WHY I BECAME LIKE THIS. It affected my mental health greatly and it causes so much pain in my life.
Thanks for reading, guys. If you had a similar thing to what I've experienced, if you're cool with it, I would also like to know. Have nice day!