I have been struggling to contribute to this community but because the admin always knows how to fish for a healing response, here I am.
I am banking on the universe choosing this exact minute for me to dive into this attentively. For the circumstances to align with something asked of my soul. I am guilty of reblogging this without really opening the link a day or so ago and it is only now that I am absorbing these consuming questions that seek to tell on my current situation.
After years of living either stuck in the past or sabotaging the future, my healing man is learning to lean into gratitude and that is teaching me about the joy of living in the present. It has been one of those journeys that have forced my soul to shed so much baggage and allowed me to atually breath.
But life has keeps a jar of suprises and I slip back into that way of thinking or worse. When that happens, i give in to the old way of doing things and I am struggling to leave that space as we speak.
I feel like getting back up from a fall your ego didn't see is the hardest but the how everything crumbles after it is deadlier than the falling. I am currently avoiding writing as mine crops from my perspective of the world and that also means being vulnerable.
I don't have a circle of friends and leaving my house is something my social anxiety denied me so my outlet is through prose. There are times it attracts the wrong kind of attention and I haven't been feeling courageous enough to deal with that possible aftermath.
Emotionally, I feel drained.
The harshness that has spewed from the mistakes I made last year has shadowed my ability to see them as learnt lessons and my inner critic has found something to anchor me in self doubts. That has led me here -late on rent while staring at an empty fridge and gas cylinder- and fighting to befriend the ink.
This in return has robbed of the magic or living in the moment. I keep going back to a time I thought I had everything figured out. My mind selectively chooses to go back and try to fix where the mess began but wont address my being miserable over losing it all.
Its a vicious cycle.
I know that I haven't managed to heal because I am yet to come to terms with the losses but now it is hokding me back from doing my best to rise back up. Partially, I'll blame the financial fatigue as money is needed to create a way to create more.
What I mean is before I log in here, there needs to be food in the house and nowadays that's harder than logging in here just to share the same. The rest of the blame goes to the aftermath of trying and failing in something you want more than anything.
I was emotionally invested in my farm and getting over it is harder than I would've expected.
The future calls though. I plan on rebuilding. The farm must scale down to a balcony garden and I have to incorporate a bit of writing here and there. I would love to restart something I did in 2017 and 2018 for extra income to help rebalance the financial frequency but it does require a capital I don't have.
But if I can find my way back to a bit of stability, I am down for a fresh start.
This is my entry for this week's minimalistic blogging idea.
wambuku w.