Made with leonardo.ai for this post
It's been over 7 days since I posted on Hive and it already feels weird. I could say that I've had a bit of a busy season (pure understatement馃槄) and that it's just because of that, but that would be a lie.
I log on to Hive daily, several times a day in fact, to view and vote on posts, but sitting down to type is another story.
Anyway, music is magic, so when I'm feeling a little down, various musical themes always come to mind. That's why I was motivated to write something, a brushstroke of whatever this post is that I couldn't decide whether to post it, in catharsis, or leave it alone on my blog. In the end, I chose this community because it was definitely the music that moved my fingers after days of apathetic statism. The songs I'll be referring to are self-explanatory.
When I think about this "down" moment of creativity, it may also be because the experiences I have had are of the type that I do not like to "air" in public. I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times in my almost 40 years of life that I have sat down to talk to someone about things that happen to me or that I feel, I do not mean, for example, to tell the work we went through to solve a funeral home where to see a great aunt who died a few days ago (true story), that is a "little complaint" of the classic ones, the ones you say because you do not believe it yourself. But no, I'm talking about opening your soul and telling from the depths of your heart what you really feel inside. That which tortures you, but which you hide in a little box in a corner of your mind.
Usually for me, it's the other way around, I end up being the place where friends come to tell me their problems. Something that doesn't bother me at all, and I listen to them with infinite patience, for some reason they seek me out to talk, and I marvel at the ease with which they say some things that I wouldn't dare say out loud. Applause for them 馃憦.
The reason is that I am, always have been, quite introspective, with various/many little things. I kind of keep them to myself and try to work them out without torturing someone else, who surely has his own demons to deal with. Surely here comes the "no, but don't keep things to yourself, just confront them, and you'll see that everything is seen from a different angle and better" HA! It seems to me that I am too skeptical?! Cynical? To believe that "everything" will be solved by talking about it. Besides, in order to talk about certain topics, I would first have to be able to put them into words, and sometimes feelings are just that, feelings or states of mind. It is the same with religion and its representatives.... (here came a phrase that I preferred to eliminate so as not to offend sensibilities)
The few times I have tried to discuss certain topics, I have ended up being "lectured?!" on how I should do/say/or even think such a thing, and hell no, don't even dream that you can change my mind about the fundamental things in life with verbiage, that has been tried and discarded. It is not ignorance or disrespectful stubbornness, nor "not following advice", but I know that it is almost always "do what I say, but not what I do", then it is difficult for me to listen to others who I know are as screwed up in their minds as I could be. (See what I said about being cynical? There is no remedy)
I have always been discreet. To share some ideas from my mind or sensations or feelings, seems to me a violation of my own privacy and it's something crazy because I deeply admire those who manage to write poems opening their chest and tearing their shirt like Camar贸n. Sometimes I read nanixxx just to see how free she is in expressing the things that come to her mind and it feels good cool to see something like that and so beautifully written, although yes, I also know that nanixxx is crazy 馃槀馃ぃ (enana loviu 馃構) and has her own demons.
If you're reading this and freaking out, don't 馃槀. Well, that's up to you, that's why I'm not telling anything and this is just scratching the surface...
I think we all have a dark side, and it can increase or decrease depending on the circumstances you live in. If I go to a psychologist now, it will most likely be a diagnosis of mild depression, because of (my stuff)... but... if I tell them everything, they will fill me with pills 馃ぃ and lock me up in a madhouse, so I better not and go through life as a normal person 馃ぃ. (Don't think for a minute that I underestimate what depression is or can become, I've seen it up close, and it's fucking awful stuff) But right now it's not my case, just a temporary emotional state because of very specific things. The other demons are always there, but they are old and familiar ones that we deal with day in and day out. They live in all of us to a greater or lesser extent.
With this post it's a step forward, and as darkness exists, so does light, see you there, where, despite my myopia, I can see much better.
Translated with DeepL