What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?
Where do you start, right?
Looking back at my Life, I can quickly point to several events that led to devastating long-term results. Divorce. Job loss. Flirtation with bankruptcy. Serious health problems.
When these situations were unfolding, it was apparent that Life was about to suck in a big way and for a long time. And those realizations turned out to be largely accurate.
The cause of these circumstances, whether self-inflicted or entirely out of my control, didn’t matter. The fact was, the long-term impact was going to be disastrous. These are a few of the more notable potential setbacks in Life that we’re all seeking to avoid. And, I hadn’t. In some cases, I had strolled right into them.
So, you’re in the thick of it. Lawyers. Meager unemployment checks. Debt collector calls. Endless, expensive Doctor’s visits.
Arguably, these are not the moments to go looking for silver linings. Equally valid, I wouldn’t waste any effort on self-flagellation or casting blame. These are the times when what is required is Action.
The Seeds of Self-Doubt
No Doubt, however, negativity and Self-Doubt are already hard at work screenwriting their latest miserable tale. And you? Baby, you’re a star! Lead role as victim, villain, and village idiot all rolled up into one Academy Award-winning performance.
Replaying this movie over in your mind as time rolls on equates to a fast IV drip of toxicity coursing through your veins. And it is this cynical outlook on oneself that is the Genesis of all the negative self-talk that will accompany you on the road ahead. Your current foibles will become the cause célèbre for all your likely future shortcomings. Sequels of Skepticism. Tinder for timidity. Fuel for failure.
Ain’t Life Grand?
But you know, what we really ought to do is to lay that newly published Book of Doubts aside for now. Place it on top of those other unread titles on our nightstand that we’ve meant to get to. We have much more important work to do Right Now than to autopsy our most recent plight.
But first? We need to Center. Let’s take a deep breath. Why don’t we pause for a moment to collect ourselves and prepare for those first few steps onward?
Let’s put some quiet to all of the noise that’s blasting on high around us. Let’s generate a little focus on what’s necessary to work our way out of our current calamity. While thrashing and flailing around emotionally sounds like a heck of a lot of fun… Let’s just not.
Regroup. ReThink. ReLoad. ReLaunch.
Step #1: Plug the leak. Step #2: Right the ship. Step #3: Set a new course. (I’m so nautical.)
However, somewhere between tasks #2 and 3 is when we probably should begin examining what went wrong and what we’ve learned. To determine which now obviously defective strategies we should retire and which new, potentially favorable ones to adopt.
Learning Our Lessons
Extracting valuable lessons from our defeats is a far more rewarding strategy than simply beating ourselves up for eternity. But, examining and understanding our mistakes can be a more complex process. It requires patience, introspection and can feel threatening to our already care-worn emotional state. Perhaps that difficulty is why we choose the far easier Instant Self-Loathing option. Just add two scoops of failure to your favorite drink – shake – and enjoy!
There are obvious problems that come with avoiding an honest analysis of our errors. As they say, if you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re bound to repeat them. And we see this all the Time.
Continue to attract and date a bunch of losers? Who’s the common denominator in that equation?
Find yourself in one financial crisis after another? What’s in your wallet?
Applying for the same promotion at work over and over but always overlooked? Have you asked for, acknowledged, and addressed all of the feedback you received from previous interviews?
Suppose we don’t or refuse to evaluate our previous miscues. In that case, we’re likely to ride that same hamster wheel of hell to infinity and beyond. Your choice, Buzz.
I’m. Not. Enough.
The other obvious problem with not evaluating our past mistakes? Filling in the blanks with nonsense. When we associate falling short with being insufficient as a Human Being, well, we’re both right and wrong.
As Humans, we are practically born to fail. People have flaws, and those flaws tend to reveal themselves at the most inopportune times. In competition. When we’re stressed or under duress. Or, my personal favorite: when we’re distracted or preoccupied.
It’s. Human.
But just because we screwed up doesn’t mean we ARE are a screw-up.
It’s so easy, however, to write ourselves off as inadequate or defective. And once that little worm wriggles into our psyche, it can take a whole lot of tequila to put that worm back into the bottle.
We can spend months – years – decades believing we’re something less than others. Unable to measure up. Unable to turn things around. Unable to meet the test.
I’m. Not. Enough.
Telling Ourselves The Wrong Story
The critical mistake of not coldly calculating our errors and readjusting our strategy for Success in Life often leads to Self-Doubt. It results in inaction. We pack up. Back up. And curl up.
We stop trying.
We weave a story about ourselves that explains why – I’m. Not. Enough.
And that inner dialogue becomes the rationale for everything we choose not to attempt to enjoy or improve our Lives. And this dialogue has legs.
It follows us around like a mean puppy, chewing up every idea and inspiration like a new pair of shoes.
It’s a vicious story that ends in disappointment, discouragement, and regret. And we share that story repeatedly with ourselves, family, friends, and colleagues.
So. Are we having fun yet?
But hey – for the sake of argument – let’s say that we DO analyze our downfalls. That we DO learn from our mistakes. What’s next?
Well, how about a little damn gratitude?
Finding the Positive in Failure
How about acknowledging that despite our beautiful disasters, some greater good came about through them. Sure. The price of admission was undoubtedly a lot steeper than we had anticipated. But after getting off the ride, we still managed to score something pretty valuable in the gift shop on our way out.
Did you go through a bruising divorce? How about those kids you created in the meantime? (No kids? Maybe you got a nice condo out of the deal…)
Perhaps the business you were building failed. Maybe the contacts and relationships you made during those years have resulted in a new venture, or special relationship, or two, that you otherwise would never have found.
Displaced at work? Perhaps that’s created an opportunity for you to do something you really wanted to do… Are you really missing that corporate cubicle?
And there’s nothing like a good ole heart attack to bring appreciation for, and joy in, living directly to the forefront of your consciousness.
Contemplate for a moment where you are now. What’s good?
As a result of your tribulations, there are riches if you choose to see them. And if not for you, perhaps for others…
It’s not all about you, after all.
As a result of your divorce, your ex has now met the absolute love of their Life. (Still, the hell with them!)
Because your business failed, the space you were leasing went to a new start-up.
And that has resulted in a successful, prosperous enterprise for some young couple and their family.
Did a corporate downsizing escort you to the exit? Because of the cost savings through the resulting lay-offs and divestitures, the firm survived. Hundreds of other families avoided what you had to endure out there on the cold, mean streets of Starting Over.
Sure. I’d prefer that the positive aspects of my losses directly benefited me, too. But the point is this: failure isn’t the only plotline in this parable. Unless you make it so.
Here’s what’s even better.
When you identify the core learnings from some unsuccessful endeavor… When you recognize any virtue that has come from your series of unfortunate events… You will hold the components necessary to construct a new narrative for yourself—a positive story.
Rewrite Your Story To Remove Self-Doubt
Rewrite Your Story to Remove Self-Doubt.
The stories we tell ourselves about our successes and failures reverberate in our subconscious. They color our perspective of the future, of our abilities, and our worth.
If we get to write our own story, why not take advantage of that? Why not construct a monologue that encourages and nourishes our inner selves? Something that will support and promote an overall Positive Mindset. If it’s meaningless angst or withering criticism that you’re looking for, just adopt a teenager.
I’m not suggesting we fabricate a tale of conquest when our city lies in ruins. I’m suggesting that we not define the entirety of our existence by individual tragedies along the way.
Lessons and Gratitude. Perhaps they’re not a fair trade for the devastation you’re had to survive, but they are better than leaving empty-handed. And they are vastly superior to simply hauling around the toxic waste product of unresolved anguish and discouragement.
We tell ourselves all kinds of stories about who we are and what we’re made of. Many of these narratives are based on a particular experience or event. Others, however, represent a broader view of ourselves shaped by our upbringing, socio-economic status, race, gender, or age. And a few dialogues are adopted from what others have poured into us during some impressionable moment.
These stories, these voices, are constantly influencing us in our daily pursuits. And if your loudest, most insistent-upon-being-heard voices are the ones telling you that you’re no good? You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd, Friend.
It’s Time to Rewrite Your Story.
If you’re determined to enjoy Life… If you’re committed to finding meaning and purpose for yourself… If you’re courageous enough to knock down the barriers that hold you back from achieving your Dreams…
It’s Time to rewrite your story to remove Self-Doubt.
It’s Time to understand the lessons from your past.
It’s Time to recognize and utilize the Gifts you possess.
It’s Time to step out of the shadows of Doubt and into the Light of all the Possibilities of your Life.
Tell me a story about the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. How you learned from, adapted to, and rose from that adversity.
After all, YOU get to write this story. Why not make it a good one?
Practice Makes Positive.
Cheers!
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