September 22, 2023
Today, the 22nd of September, marked the saddest day of my life.
If there is something I am afraid to happen, it isn't the death of mine, but my family members. Over these years, I have tried my best to withstand all difficulties in life to live, not just for myself and my dreams, but for my loved ones. I endured all sickness and obstacles in able to survive to do my purpose in this world.
In my current situation, I am afraid that I'll blame myself again as history repeats itself dating back to when I lost a loved one while I was away and busy caring for other people. What's the use of being a healthcare worker when I can't take care of my own family? Oftentimes, I feel useless, especially when a loved one is severely sick, or on the verge of death.
Yet, I have to accept that I am just human, and I have no control over life and death. I have to accept that someday, death will come my way as well. But I am not prepared for it just yet. I still want to remain strong for my family.
Things are meant to happen, though, even how much we want to avoid it. And my greatest fear just happened. I could no longer think positively at this moment. My heart is in deep grief.
My father passed away just this afternoon. He opted to give up his battle against his prostate cancer. His life support became useless.
Some time ago, we thought things would get better for him when his testicles were removed to avoid the spread of the cancer cells into other parts of his body. He became better, and we hoped for more. But something happened unexpectedly that made his condition even more complicated. Until then, life became a struggle for him, and fear for our family. The only way to exit his urine from his body was through a catheter. Blood didn't stop coming out.
Eventually, cancer cells spread into other parts of his body affecting other vital organs. His body could no longer accept the food he ate. As his doctor said, his kidney and intestines were probably affected too. He just puked out any food he took, until he stopped accepting food. His respiratory was attacked by cancer cells which made him difficult to breathe, so life support was attached. But it was only for a few hours because later today, he opted to give up.
We wanted to fight for his life. We wanted to think that he could be cured, and that I could still see him alive when I got back home. I knew he was still strong. I felt it. We talked last week and his voice sounded very fine. We planned to send him to Manila for further treatment, but he always refused, even bringing him to the city hospital. I knew something was going on in his mind. He doesn't want to continue his life anymore.
I somehow felt that he wanted to be with this brother who just passed away this week due to an accident. Now, our family is grieving for two people, and the pain is twice painful.
He's a great soldier. A man with pride who doesn't want to listen to other people's advice. He thought he was always smart and strong. A father who doesn't want to be a burden to his family which is supposed to be his responsibility. He probably didn't want to see us struggling, so he opted to quit. He got tired, even though there were still chances to extend his life.
We were fighting for him, but he didn't want to. It was his choice. And I somehow hate that fact. He's stubborn. He's a soldier who survived the war back in the day, but he got killed by cancer, not bullets. But what can we do? I would just think that he wanted to rest. That's all!
Remember the reason why I was saving HBD? Because I want to bring my parents here in Hong Kong at the end of my contract, which will be next year. I planned to go back home next month to surprise them. But it seemed like everything was ruined. My dream for my parents was gone. Father is no longer here. He could no longer see Hong Kong. He didn't wait for me.
And again, our family will be reunited by death. Just like 7 years ago. How am I supposed to move on? I still don't know. But one thing is certain, my family still needs me, so I have to accept the reality, and need to be stronger for them.
But do you know what's the saddest part? My father's birthday is next Friday, 29th of the month to be exact. He should have waited a little longer 😔. He should have fought for his life. But that's his decision.
I just posted yesterday how significant September 21st is to me, but now the 22nd has added to be the saddest day of my life. What a fate! sigh
Wherever you are, Pa, your wish was granted. Are you happy now? You opted to give up, so you can rest, so we don't need to worry about you anymore. I only pray to God to give you the peace and ultimate rest you want.
Please don't worry about us anymore. We'll be fine. I promise I'll be strong for our family. Just rest in peace, Pa 😔. Goodbye. Until we again.