Two years ago, I wouldn't stop listening to Billie's Eilish's first album, When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go. I slept with it. I ate with it. I wrote dark stories and poems while listening. The lyrics of the songs resonated with me at that point in my life. I was able to get by and do the one thing I love the most, which is writing. They were like a soothing balm to my scared soul.
Why am I talking about music? Probably because it's one of the most beautiful to ever exist, or because it handles everything without even trying. I haven't seen anyone who claims to hate music. The melody heals. It enchants and possesses. Like I said, one of the most beautiful things. Now, to this week's questions.
The first thing that came to my head when I saw this question was I feel most alive when I write. I didn't think it. It just happened. But then, when I sat down to write why and how writing makes me alive, I realised that music plays an important role in my writing. There are times when everything around me sings. Not literally but there's a tune to every word and movement – the wind, footsteps, the barking of a dog at a distance.
Early this year when I suddenly stopped writing. I focused on music. I'm sure you can imagine what it's like when you wake up one day and realise that the one thing you used to do all the time, and may have at some point taken for granted is gone. You just can't do it anymore no matter how hard you tried. That feeling of emptiness and uncertainty. That was how I felt when my writing went away. At some point, I thought I would not be able to write again. One thing with writing, especially fiction, is that you grow as you write - length, skills, development. It's like design and programming. If you leave it, it also leaves you.
I couldn't imagine myself not writing again. I thought my light had died off, but music held me. With music, the feelings were the same. The only difference was that I wasn't putting words on paper. I missed writing, yes, but that feeling of lost wasn't there anymore. And I didn't force it. Looking back now to all the months I didn't write, I was still whole. I didn't know it was music at first. To be honest, without this question, I wouldn't have known. I wasn't fidgeting and I know why now. Music. At the end of the day, it's still words.
When do I feel most alive? When I write and when I listen to music. Take music and words away from me and I'm sure I won't survive it. Perhaps I will. I see words and music everywhere I look so I'd probably turn it into something.
I have the most fun when I'm writing. That feeling of newness never goes away. It's like when a child discovers she can walk for the first time. I'm not sure I can explain it. That tingling when your heart is beating faster. It happens every time, and it's always new. That is one thing I never want to lose. If I do, it would be the same as not being alive. It's a place I never want to go.
Why don't you tell me yours?
