One of the worst ways to wake up is to find out that someone close to you has passed away. But that’s how I woke up this morning.
It was a relative, not in my immediate family but just about as close as one can get. He was one of my favorite people growing up, though different lifestyles, interests and later time zones didn’t really lead to us having a close relationship. We both had a lot of love for each other though. I never had a single negative encounter with him, and he’s honestly the only one in my family that I feel that way about. That’s not to say I don’t love them, but our relationship was simple, and now that I think about it, that’s probably why I didn’t contact him much. I did not want to complicate things by showing him too much, or seeing too much. I’m sure some of his health habits would have led me to worry about the scenario we are in now.
My family is devastated. I wonder if they think there is something wrong with me. I’m totally fine. It may have something to do with the fact that we haven’t spoken more than 5 times this decade, and only met once in that long, but I think it’s something else too.
I just don’t process death the same way. For me death is not a tragedy, it’s just like finishing a book. You want it to keep going, but when it’s over, it’s over. Sometimes you think it ends too early but there isn’t much you can do about that. Except unlike a book, we don’t know if consciousness ends, and I tend to believe that it does not.
I can feel him here. I know he isn’t suffering. This may be faith, but it’s not specifically religious. I just instinctively feel that life has more meaning than that. I always have, but now I know how to process it.
I will probably mourn him at some point, maybe today or maybe tomorrow. I want to honor him somehow and so when the timing is right, I will.
I will thank him for being a positive influence on his family and always showing me love. I will cry but not out of mere devestation. I will cry for joy of having him in my life and because I’m sad that I don’t get to see him again. But it’s ok. It’s really ok.
I am about to call his mother and his daughter, and I just want them to know it’s ok. I don’t know how to tell them though. I cannot force them to see life the way I do.
I know this would be harder for me if we had more regular contact or if he was my father or son.
At the end of the day we preserve life to find joy in it, not just to preserve it. His mother is old and all I wish is that she can find joy in her life before it’s her time. I don’t want her to leave in such pain. This is out of my hands, but I’ll do what I can to show her how I feel without forcing anything on her. I hope she doesn’t misunderstand.
There is a lot more I can say on this topic but I think I need to process his passing first.
Be well. There is no need for pity. Please value the people in your life and most importantly value yourself and your experiences. They are a blessing. ❤️