Sometimes I wonder if it’s a rare thing to be introspective. I feel like a lot of people don’t speak about their inner thoughts and so I am not sure how many people think a lot more than they let on.
I am always analyzing how I am affected by the world around me, auditing to figure out exactly what makes me tick. I suppose the extent with which I do this is pretty rare.
I don’t engage in much escapism for escapism sake. I play games but I try to tie that in to my language studies. I listen to a lot of youtube and engage on social media but most of that is to learn or to promote my work.
I also work freelance so I have more hours free to let my mind do its own thing. My work hours are focus intense but I have 20-40% fewer work hours than most people.
Right now I am observing some things about myself which are cery different from 5-10 years ago. New beasts to slay.
I used to be insecure about whether or not I was saying the right thing or alienating myself somehow. I no longer axtually care but I notice the ticks haven’t left. I still feel uneasy when I walk into a new shop and there are energetic people around.
I love talking to strangers but I actually feel incredibly awkward when I do. I never know if I am bothering them or if I am alienating them with my wild ideas and strange habits.
I don’t worry about whether or not they like me, I worry anout disturbing the atmosphere.
Japan makes me feel like this.
But so does age.
I feel my face start to droop and no longer feel as attractive as I used to be. I feel people are least interested in me because I am 10 years older than them and I have to work harder to connect with people.
If I have 0 expectations I don’t feel this but then I kind of close myself off and have no expression. This leads to no new people and no excitement in my life.
Actually this is a bigger deal than anything
I also notice how my health issues have kept some of my insecurities alive. I don’t know if I will physically have energy for people and so I fet nervous about being sucked into conversations. I don’t want to leave more tired than I came and so I am much more protective of my energy.
This has led me to put up a wall with people. That and the fact that nowadays everyone looks at their phone and I don’t like to be the only person who is looking around the room, it feels like I am peeping.
I am trying to shed all of these feelings to relax more, but I find it interesting how new insecurities pop up as the old ones are defeated.
Sometimes I feel like we are puzzles that we need to solve in order to be at harmony with our environement.
I feel less stressed when I am travelling and when I have money to spend.
Funny, look at al the complexes I brought up. Age, culture, appearence, money, health, expectations….I could have easily attributed all of my discomfort to any one of these, but looking deep at each and every response I have in different sotuations allows me to pick everything apart and untangle them piece by piece.
I think I need to go back to an old daily goal I had.
Talk to one stranger a day.
I am over my old insecurities but I didn’t have a chance to get into new habits, so I still shrink in situations that I don’t want to shink in. I need to actively try to rewire my brain so I don’t fall into old habits.
Anyway. It’s all good. Keep growing. Keep learning.
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Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)
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