Marry your friend they say? then why does it feel hard with him? it’s more like we shouldn’t have dated in the first place.
He was sweet when we were just friends, Now, I don’t even know how to express what we have.
I and Michael met on a match making platform that I joined at a point in my life when I was broken and needed solace. From the moment we started conversing, we felt a deep connection for each other, we would talk on phone for hours and then switch over to Facetime. Our energy, souls, and literally everything matched so quickly, and in no time, we were best of friends.
At that time, I was just out of a relationship that broke me, so I was not ready for any commitment whatsoever, and Michael too didn’t come up with anything of such, we were just open to each other about everything, building trust and being each other’s companion even when we had not met physically.
After a few months of being online friends, we decided to meet physically, and guys!!!!!! it was awesome (writing about it now, I feel the butterflies again), we kissed, and did maybe a little more, lol but I am not ready to give that much information, all you have to know is that it was SENSATIONAL!!!!
That was the beginning of something New,and I don’t exactly mean, a LOVE RELATIONSHIP. We kept being good friends with benefit (you know what I mean, lol) and I was okay with that until it dawned on me that I was head over heels in love with this man and I guess he was too, but we both were not ready to be committed to each other.
A year had passed since we met and we were still caught in a web of casually having sex and acting like we didn’t feel anything for each other. At this time, I was yearning to be with him, I wondered why he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, and sincerely, I was bothered about it (talk about anxiety and overthinking).
Truth is, I love LOVE. The Delicacy of Romance, the security in silence, the trust in the duality of individuality and togetherness, the softness, the heartfelt kisses that transcends deep emotion, the sex that not only brings Pleasure but also ties the soul and creates a deep connection between two individuals that were once strangers, waking up everyday to look into each other’s eyes that is full of kindness for themselves.
I wanted to feel all that with Michael, but why? Why did he seem so close yet far away? Or didn’t he like me as I thought he did?
No!No!No!! He feels something deep for me, I feel it strongly that he does. When I look into his eyes, I see love, but I also sense fear, I think he is scared of something. What could that be?
“Hey Shawty, I have to see you, I want to tell you something” Michael said over the phone one morning. I wondered what it was, so I left to see him. When I got to his place, he held my hands, looked straight in my eyes and with deep earnestness and passion he asked me to be with him, “Machi, be mine”. It took me quite a while to say the BIG YES, I wanted to say, because I sensed he was not okay, his countenance was different.
“I have waited for you to ask, and my answer is Yes but are you okay? You seem tensed” I replied
After much Persuasion, he revealed to me that he is Sick and according to the doctor, has few months to live (this is so hard for me to share, but Michael wanted me to share it here on Hive as opposed to social media platforms). I don’t know how to explain how I feel about this, I have cried, I have prayed and now all I want to do is give us the best memories. I just want to love Him; I don’t want to care about death and the emptiness my heart is going to feel postmortem.
Since we started Dating, Michael seems to be far away most times, he loves me around him and I do too, but when we are not together physically, he seems a bit off, he doesn’t really text or call as much as he did when we were just friends. I discussed it with him few days ago,he just apologized and promised to adjust, but sincerely, I want more from him.I want what we had before, I thought dating will bring us closer, why isn’t it?
I can’t complain any further because I know this is a tough time for him, it’ll be really unfair to ask him to meet my emotional needs when he needs that even more now, but sincerely Guys, I need more, I feel this is the time we should be more attentive to each other and get as much memories as we can before anything happens.
I am just caught up in mixed feelings that is killing me, so I thought to share with you my friends.
Do you think I am overthinking it? Do you think I am being selfish? Do you think I am not handling this well?
Leave a comment for me please, I’ll love to hear all you have to say.
Thanks for reading
LOVE FROM MACHI, ALWAYS