He stared curiously at the ornate brass telescope in his hands, the polished lens glinting in the morning sun.
“What does it do?”
“Well, you look through it, and it brings things closer.”
“What, like physically closer??”
“No, that would be remarkable, and far too advanced for humans in this particular timeline - it just magnifies an object that’s far away and makes it appear closer.”
“Oh, like a ‘Looky-Looky glass’?”
“Yes, exactly. It’s basically a ‘Looky-Looky glass’… but without the ability to disintegrate.”
“Whaaaat… no disintegration? Then how do they destroy other humans with it?”
“It’s not a weapon Frank… although you could hit someone over the head with it, I suppose.”
Frank grabbed the slim end of the telescope and raised it high above his head, looking around for an unwitting victim to bash it off.
“That would be a bit messy though, wouldn’t it,” said Frank, clear disappointment in his voice at the lack of available volunteers.
“Yes, very messy… but humans are a very messy bunch.”
“Messy and primitive.”
“Yes, indeed.”
Frank held the eyepiece against his enormous middle eye and slowly scanned the distant horizon.
“So, they just use it for looking through, to see objects coming?”
“Yes, exactly”
“Well, they didn’t see us coming, did they?” said Frank, throwing out a huge bellowing laugh, all three of his obese bellies jiggling independently of each other. Several seagulls scattered overhead, cawing disapprovingly at being noisely disturbed from their lofty perch in the ships rigging.
“I suppose being able to ’beam’ in and appear anywhere we want does have its advantages. Now then, shall we get to work?”
Charles unfurled a long green tentacle from underneath the thick purple fur of his humped back, creeping it outwards like an absurd, oversized party whistle. He moved it downwards, snaking it slowly along the weather worn decking of the deserted sea vessel. He rummaged diligently through small piles of sweat stained garments that lay scattered around in front of him, poking randomly at various discarded cutlasses, heavy crossbows and the numerous glittering gold teeth that littered the ships decking. He curled his tentacle around an abandoned wooden leg, its owner nowhere to be seen, and picked it up, dangling it loosely in front of him by its straps, studying it curiously.
“What type of humans were these again?” asked Frank, twanging a black eyepatch between his long furry fingers.
“These were pirates, Frank, a very unruly type of human – loved to pillage and murder, not a very nice type at all!”
“But haven’t we technically just murdered all of them?” The eyepatch flicked up, striking him on his considerably large forehead.
Charles shook his head.
“Disintegration is hardly murder Frank. It’s a far more sophisticated way of ending a being’s life. One press of a button and ‘poof,’ their molecules instantly implode. They become stardust – at one with the universe you might even say; it’s actually quite beautiful really when you think about it.”
“Yes, but they’re still dead though?”
“Yes, well… look, do you want to continue coming with me on these little trips, Frank?
“Yes of course I do.”
“Well then, collect up any items that look like they might be of interest to the Museum, and we’ll be off. I don’t like the way those large sea birds are staring at my tentacle, like it’s food or something.”
Frank pulled a glowing circular device out of a tiny pouch on his third stomach and placed his large hirsute finger on its screen. A small dark circular void appeared beside him, hovering freely in the air. He placed the telescope carefully into the floating void and watched it disappear. Over the next five minutes he also deposited the wooden leg, several cutlasses of varying shapes and sizes, a golden compass, three worn eye patches, one shiny glass eyeball, a slightly ragged Jolly Roger flag and two squawking parrots.
He pressed the screen again, as the void closed in on itself and disappeared.
“So… where to next?”
“Let’s see… we have two more ‘time jumps’ here on Earth, one seventy million years ago, to the time of Earth’s dinosaurs - so maybe some dinosaur eggs for the collection, or even a living Tyrannosaurus Rex?”
“Oh, that would be fun for the kids back home…,” Frank mused.
“Then we head to our last destination, just before this particular human timeline ends in late 2022. The Museum wants something authentic for the collection from that final year of human existence.”
“Oh yes, 2022… just when they were getting over that global pandemic… that was pretty funny actually. What finished them off in the end, was it the nuclear war, or the rogue comet slamming into the planet?”
“It was actually an alien invasion that finished them off completely, after the nuclear war and the massive devastation of the comet; the aliens came along and ate all the survivors, remember?”
“Ah yes, the BoneCrunchers of Blargon 5”
“Messy bunch, BoneCrunchers…”
“Messy and primitive.”
Charles took out his own circular device and dialled in a few digits.
“Maybe we could collect a new iPhone or a Tesla? Or maybe even Elon Musk himself? Or we could take a Kardashian or something…?”
“We don't need another Kardashian, the Museum has two already, but the last iPhone in existence or even Elon would be a good shout.”
“Or maybe one of the Jenners?” said Frank.
“Oh, a Jenner… “-Charles stroked his long shaggy chin-“Very interesting Frank, we don’t have one of those yet, that might work. We could even face them off against each other in the ‘Killing Pits’.”
“Oh, oh… maybe one of them could use the telescope we found as a weapon??” Frank made an overexaggerated clubbing motion with one of his huge hairy arms.
“Hmmm… or maybe we just give them the standard ‘death ray’ weapons Frank, after all, we’re not savages.”
“Of course, Charles,” said Frank, flicking a shiny glass eyeball across the swaying deck with his big furry toe, “Too messy.”
Charles nodded approvingly and tapped his finger on the luminous screen, the two creatures disappearing instantly.
Image by Iván Tamás from Pixabay
An 'aliens meet pirates' short story fiction inspired by the Inkwell Prompt #55 - Lens :)
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Thank you for reading.