I was a bully.
I hate to say it but it's the truth. And if I want to pass the blame I'll put it on my friends.
I'm sure my friends wouldn't want to take the blame so together we'll blame it on Influence.
Influence is a tricky thing when it comes to friendships. It's hard to point fingers and say, "She made me do it" because your friends would just shrug and say, "I didn't force you" even though in a way, they did.
The first time I bullied a person I did it out of rage, disgust and sprinkles of low self-esteem.
You know how blogs say bullies have low self-esteem? Yes, it's true. I can confirm that because that was how I felt.
I did it out of rage because I was angry. I was boiling in rage and thinking, how dare she? How dare a newcomer take my coveted position?
I did it out of disgust because it repulsed me. I expected newcomers to join the class and blend in. Why was she trying to stand out? Who does that?
And finally, out of low self-esteem. I felt threatened. A part of me was scared that her presence would change things for me as I know it. That she'd steal titles, honour and positions that belonged to me.
I'm sure my friends were thinking the same thing. We stood under the tree, close to where the food vendors kept their snacks and talked.
"We need to talk to her," Kosiso said. She was one of the brightest physics students in class.
"Yes, we should," Judith said. She was the Chemistry guru, one of the many people I had to compete with. I nodded as well.
We needed to confront her.
And so we went to the class. We were about five girls, some of the brightest science students in our school, and we were on our way to bully a classmate.
One of us called her out.
Her name is Precious. I can never forget.
We saw her coming from afar and smiled to ourselves. Our eyes carried a glint of evil in it. We were ready to destroy.
She walked to where we stood and we surrounded her.
"What happened?" She smiled and looked at us. Rage spiked in my heart as she smiled.
I looked at my friends and they looked at me. We urged one another with our eyes to say something.
You see, we didn't have a plan.
We didn't make one.
The only thing we thought of was humbling her, clipping her wings. We didn't think of how to do it.
"We heard you're one of the highest in biology," Kosiso said.
"Yes." She smiled again. I rolled my eyes at her antics. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to reduce the tension in the air but it wasn't working.
"What was your score again?" Judith asked. I smiled as her eyes narrowed into a slit. It may be small but it held so much contempt, it made me smile.
"79." Precious folded her hands and shifted on her feet. She adjusted her glasses and looked at me.
I stared back at her. I didn't say a word.
Was she expecting me to save her just because we both wore glasses?
I didn't know and I didn't care.
The rest of the conversation is missing from my memory. I don't remember what was said or what I didn't say. I don't remember how it went.
Maybe it was my brain's way of protecting me. It was wiped off. I don't remember the conversation.
I only remember the last half of that event. After everything was said and done, I remember her walking to the class.
Her shoulders were raised and her smile was still intact.
She entered the class and slid into her seat, placed her head on her desk and cried.
That's when it hit me.
I had bullied someone.
The guilt stayed with me and before the end of the school day, I went to apologize to her.
Funny enough, we became friends. Close friends even.
The event is still in my head, incomplete as it is.
Sometimes I think about it. I ask myself, who influenced who? But you see that's the thing about Influence in friendship. Sometimes you can't pinpoint who started it. You can't identify who thought of doing it first. So we all take the blame. We influenced each other.
It's our fault.
Here's my entry to the inkwell Creative nonfiction week #49