We've all faced curveballs in life, right?
something such as a question or event that is surprising or unexpected, and therefore difficult to deal with... Cambridge Dictionary
These occurrences are rare, thank goodness! They are so named because of the unexpected trajectory taken by a curveball thrown by a pitcher in a baseball game. Usually, you do not see it coming, and even if you do, it's too late to do much about it!
Sometimes relationships that we thought were solid... do a 180 on us and/or seemingly come to an abrupt end. We can sit back and ask countless questions. We can try to analyse what went wrong, but, despite our best efforts and intentions, we may never know the answer. The hard truth may be, that the season has simply come to an end.
Brian A. "Drew" Chalker says that...
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
source: Reason, Season and a Lifetime
I guess therein lies the kicker... both the timing of when you actually figure it out, and whether you are able to do what you should do when you do! 🤔😔
Chalker's poem Reason, Season, and a Lifetime is a wonderful read that explains the above beautifully.
Simply put, some people come into our lives to meet a specific need, and when that need has been met... they leave as quickly as they arrived. Others come to share our lives for a period of time. They laugh with us, learn with us, and grow with us, but the season always ends. And finally, there are those who remain for a lifetime. Those friends whom we grow to love; and against whom we sharpen ourselves continuously.
So, how do we know what type of friend someone is? Are we destined to find out only when the axe falls? Does knowledge flow purely from hindsight? Or is it possible to figure these things out on the fly... to appreciate early on what role someone is playing in our lives, and simply appreciate them for the purpose they bring and the time that we have with them?
I must admit, reading Chalker's poem again, which I first read some years back, actually freaked me out a bit 😲... Looking at the descriptions he uses, I feel like there are currently people in my life who straddle the divide between season and lifetime friends... and I really don't want to lose them... I suspect I won't lose them all to the seasonal fold... and some will naturally remain in my life forever. But it's unsettling all the same... to know that the joy you share with some people could be here one minute and gone in the next - that they may just end up being a passing season in our lives. It's even more unsettling when you've already experienced how quickly things can go south!
I have a friend, let's call them X, who I have known for about a year. We are both busy people but remain on the periphery of each other's lives, touching base regularly to connect... and catch up. There are very few people who I let into my inner circle; into my heart and mind - and with whom I share my hopes and dreams and life struggles. We shared a cuppa recently and had a nice chat. And then just like that... the metaphorical axe fell... no warning. Not even a hint of dissonance. I hadn't appreciated until it happened, how it might feel. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little hurt by it all. Now, did I expect the friendship to last a lifetime? Honestly? Well... that I can't answer, because I simply don't stop to second guess my friendships when I am living, loving, and learning through them. I enjoy them for what they are. I delight in them... I don't put an expiry date on them.
Now I am left sitting here reflecting on something that I may never completely understand. Granted, there are people in my life that, had this come from them, I would have been emotionally wrecked... and not just hurt. But, I am human, and a sensitive being, so hurt comes with the territory, and it will always count for something.
Part of my reflection comes from a challenge that was put on me by another friend.
Why do you seek to know and understand? If the door has been slammed firmly in your face, why are you still knocking on it in search of an answer? Has your ego taken a knock? Are you seeking validation? - some sort of comfort that it's not about you and rather all about them? And... does it really matter?
These were all good challenges given the context, and I actually agree with them for the most part. The problem is that when shit like this happens, I feel it's incumbent on us as human beings to reflect. What may be obvious to the bystander is not always immediately obvious to the one embroiled in it... you see... sometimes we are too close to the situation for our own good! So challenge and reflection are needed. I look to see if there are lessons to be learned from the experience... in this case... either from the friendship itself, or the way in which it took a turn. Was there something more that I could have or should have done to sustain it? Did I fall short in some way? Should I be fighting for the friendship, or letting it go? Is this one of those push-pull moments where it really does matter what path one chooses?
Now, to be fair... I'm a pretty patient person when it comes to friendship, but I do not tolerate push-pull relationships very well. I do try to understand them, however. If you are a push-pull kinda person, you have to be pretty special to me, to get me to stick around for the long haul. To me... push-pull is where one party is all-in one minute, and running in the opposite direction the next. And just when you think... ok perhaps it's all over... there they are back again! So it's a constant game of cat and mouse, and you hope one day that they are comfortable enough to just stay! They appear to want the friendship but for some reason, they let you in, and then shut you out, in a continuous cycle of apparent insecurity.
On reflection, I don't think this is one of those push-pull friendships or moments. It felt pretty definitive, and I do wonder if this was a test that I neither passed nor failed. I guess on this count, perspective matters a lot! Although the simple truth is that probably none of it matters as my other friend said.
Sometimes we reflect, and we stay and fight the good fight. We hold on, determined to find the answer... any answer... to prove to ourselves that we needed to stick around - that our friend needed us to hold on and not give up or give in that easily.
And sometimes... sometimes we realise that we just have to accept things as they are. That the choice has already been made. It's out of our hands, and was never ours to make. And as the leaves change colour, and drift in the breeze... marking another turning of the seasons, we take it on the chin, and walk away with grace...
This post is in response to the Ink Well's #creativenonfiction prompt: reflection
- Title taken from the poem Reason, Season, and a Lifetime
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