"Okay, it's time to eat. I've worked so hard just for this day."
I said to them, showing a cheery face, even though my tears fell and got emotional for this day.
It was a year ago when my mother and father told me and my little sister named, Ana to have a picnic together in the mountain not far from here. We chose that part of the mountain where the whole small village could be seen. We thought it was perfect and since I got my first job I thought about contributing as well. That was the idea of my parents to return us with favor for being so busy at work and no family time together.
I saw that my little sister's eyes were sparkling because of excitement and she even said "couldn't wait for that time."
That was the promise of my parents because they traveled abroad very often, it's work-related again. Even though I couldn't wait, I had no choice but to wait for that picnic day. We used to have a picnic every Sunday, we called it a family day and a lot of things happened when my father got promoted from his work and same with my mother as well. I understood them and I convinced my little sister to understand them as well because it's for us, their children.
"Oh, why aren't you smiling Ana? You waited for this day to have a family day for all of us."
I convinced myself to smile even though tears never stop pouring from my eyes. I waited for this day as well and again the emotional thoughts of me melted my heart and turned it into tears falling from my eyes.
I reminded Ana how she's so persistent in asking me almost every day what day today by checking the calendar. It's a bit annoying for me but I understood her, unlike me, she couldn't resist her excitement for that day. I could still remember how she mocked me by calling me just to check the date in the calendar. She's my little sister and I found her so cute doing that, I just teased her instead.
"Okay, let me prepare the plate and put the dishes on it."
I said to them when no one is getting the food even though it's hard for me to do so because the tears again never stop.
"It's normal because of how long I prepared it just for this day."
I just convinced myself why these tears are so never-ending, not to mention I noticed how people looked at me with compelling eyes. I wondered why there are people in this place, perhaps it gets popular as time passes.
"Will you please stop!"
I heard a strong voice, it's not mad but it sounded so pathetic. I looked around but no one was near to me, not just near because I felt like the voice was whispering from my ears.
"I don't care" -in my thoughts.
I finished placing the dish on their plates and I was thinking to make the food more delicious is should start with a nice conversation, without a delay I talked first.
"You know what Mom, Dad, and Ana" - I looked up high letting the tears flow with a forced smile.
"I missed you all so much because it's not easy to be alo--" -I paused and someone like prevented myself from talking to them anymore, a loud voice I heard from my head.
"I SAID STOP IT, DAMN IT!! THEY WERE GONE, ACCEPT IT ALREADY WILL YOU?"
At first, I thought someone whispered but only to find out it was my subconscious telling me to stop this stupidity. Perhaps, some part of me wanted to let go of the past because no matter what I do they will never be back. I've been holding them just because of this day but I never thought I could build a bond in my hallucinated brain that they still exist.
I cried out, prolonged my voice to the anguish of losing them. It's the first time I cried for them because when they died during their travels I didn't cry. I told myself that they still existed even though it's just I who could see them.
"I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, MOM, DAD, ANA. WHY IT'S JUST ME WHO LEFT BEHIND. TELL ME WHY!!"
I never stop crying, yelling, and even hurting myself by hitting my chest, it's just too painful.
We should have our picnic today because of Christmas but then again a lot of occasions during this month. When they learned that I had to attend an occasion they brought my little sister with them. There was heavy rain, the sliding road was expected but my father drank a little bit of wine and of course, he didn't realize that he drove fast in going home. When one child crossed the road crying because she was searching for her mother. My father might avoid that child getting hit but in return, the car was crushed. None of them lived because according to bystanders the car rolled and rolled before it exploded. I learned what happened by tomorrow morning because I was on a part as well and no one couldn't reach me.
That's why even though people looked at me like I was crazy, preparing plates for the 4 of us I ignored them. I didn't care how they would see me because I just wanted to make this fateful picnic day happen. It's painful of course because the sweetness of my little sister's face being so excited for this day will not fade into my thoughts. Together with the serious faces of my parents, how determined were they to make this picnic day happen. But of course, I personally wanted this to happen, so even alone I made sure to make this happen.
I breathe continuously after I get tired of crying. I reminisce about the time being here and imagining they are here with me. I found resolve and somehow my heart felt lightened up. Perhaps, I was so eager for this day before I can finally move on to what happened. Slowly, little by little the heavy feeling in my heart is fading.
I wiped my tears and shouted.
"Thank you for the time."
I cried again because from today's onward I will be starting to forget them and live my own life. I will never see them in my thoughts because I will cut the ties of the illusion I intentionally made for them to still exist in my life.
"I need to go" - I said with a glimpse and finally I managed not to cry.