"I don't feel anything anymore Jana. The excitement or to have fun because it's summer."
"The happiness that summer brings doesn't reach me anymore."
I told Jana when she asked me to go with her swimming in the beautiful sea with the peaceful sky.
"But Ker, it's one year already. Please free yourself from the pain."
"No, it's not that. I just don't ---"
I don't know how to continue the phrase to give her reasons. Even me is doubtful if I already forget Katrina. I loved her so much that my life only revolves around her. We fought for her sickness and we even hoped that she would be fine. Then all of a sudden I thought the world was a traitor. I was foolish to believe that there will be forever for the two of us.
I know Katrina didn't want me to be like this.
"Please don't sulk when I'm gone. You should continue living and think that the world is cold to you. There is summer that will heat you. There will be a feeling of what makes the summer hot."
Her last words before she closed her eyes. Her last words but not her last voice that deafens my ears. I can't hear the singing birds during summer and the music that insects provide.
I tried to go outside many times to feel what I used to feel before. In fact, even the pouring rains before burned me. The chilling wind at dawn gave sweat to me because I had her. But now, the hotness of the sun just frozen me knowing she's not here with me. Perhaps it's because the endless tears feel so colder and colder.
One time I went outside because I needed food. I don't feel like going out because it's noisy and very dark. I have no choice but to see the smiling faces with no meaning. I heard the laughter with no sense of happiness but just a mere nuisance. I'm nodding my head to ignore it all and all of a sudden someone bumped me. I decided to ignore it but left with a word apology.
I continue my walk where I want to go.
"Are you that stupid?"
I'm surprised by what the woman's voice just said. Although I wasn't sure if she was talking to me so I ignored it again.
"Hey," someone just pulled my right shoulder.
I looked up who might be but I couldn't because she hugs me.
"How are you, Ker?"
I don't know who she might be but I feel her tears wetting my shoulder. What's worse is she asked me unanswered questions that even I couldn't answer. My eyes began to provide rain until I made it flood.
"I'm sorry Ker. I'm sorry for the sadness that I give to you. I'm sorry because of me you became like this. I hope you understand that this is not what I wanted for you."
I became confused about who this girl might be.
"Wait.." I forced her to let me go to see who she is. When I can finally see her face. My tears flow like a river but I'm beaming. It's Katrina and I don't know how it happens but I don't care. She's a ghost I know but what the hell, she is still her. But I wonder why she's showing up right now. I look at the surroundings and I understand why. I didn't notice I'm standing already in the middle of the bay walk. I thought it was just a legend from the gossip of the oldies. Well because it's hard to believe when the legend says.
"If you want to see someone desperately who has already left this world. Just visit the bay walk and let the fairies who live here to read your thoughts. They started doing this after a woman who kept shouting the name of a man. She wanted to see her but it never showed. That's why that woman decided to kill herself instead. The fairies don't like to have the same situation like that again. With no permission from you or the people, they will just let it show on to you."
I remember the legend so suddenly but I don't care anymore.
"I miss you so much, Katrina. Days have never been brighter without you. Dreams are always a nightmare because no life is waiting for me after all when I wake up. And life has no meaning at all because-,"
Katrina put her finger to my lips to stop me from talking and said.
"Ker, I know it's not easy but always remember that living in this world is just temporary. We don't know when or how we will stay in this world. That's why enjoy it while you can without any regrets. The pain is not to let you know how cruel this world is. You feel it because it reminds you of being alive."
"Just like the emotions we feel. We can't tell if we're not happy if we don't feel sad. We can't differentiate what it means to feel hurt without feeling the pain. That's why you need to endure it because winter will pass and summer will come for sure."
"But Katrina, there's no world for me without you."
I said to her while crying.
"No Ker, there's a world ready for you and I just painted some color. In time, someone will come and will paint it as I did. Just show them the path in going inside for them to do it. If it's hard for you to forget the memories we had. Just don't forget it but cover it with the new one. I'm doing fine now Ker, so I hope you will as well."
"Bye now Ker and thank you for everything."
She's walking and fading but I don't want it to happen. I ran immediately towards her while I could still see her. But she faded together with the heaviness of my heart. She enlightened my thoughts but it's not easy to heal the pain. I keep on running and running and all of a sudden I fall down because I bumped someone.
"What are you doing, Ker?"
When I took a glance it's Jana.
"Are you that eager to hug me?"
She's obviously just joking as she's smiling.
I just smile and we both stare at each other.