Seated in the counselor's office my heart rate had lowered considerably, I'd felt a little bit at ease. Why? I didn't know, maybe it was the smell of the lavender air freshener in her office . But just seating opposite her gave me some some sense of relief, atleast for a short while. The office was just big enough to fit in her chair, my chair, her desk, a filing cabinet and these beautiful potted plant by the window.
"Clara" she said, snapping me out from what resembled a trance. I had been staring at the potted plant by the corner for a while and she was getting uncomfortable. "Clara, why did you try to commit suicide".
"I hate myself" I said, tears starting to drop again
"Why is that?"
"I'm a bad person" I managed to say while crying
"What did you do? Tell me, what happened?" She said eager to know what I had done that was so bad I was willing to end my life.
I wiped my tears with my partially soaked hand towel And began to explain
"It all started three weeks ago, I and my friend Suzie were sitting in our class chatting, when Chris walked in. I've always noticed him in class, I had a crush on him. As a matter of fact we were talking about him when he walked in.
Anyway, he came to ask if he could walk with Suzie and I after school. We agreed and decided to meet at the hallway once school was over. I was very excited all day and couldn't wait for classes to end, although I was a bit nervous.
So after school, Suzie and I waited in the hallway for him to come. We waited so long that the janitor had already started to clean the hallway, this was my first time staying this long. The entire hallway was nauseating because the janitor was making use of clorox disinfectant. We would have left and we probably should have but I begged Suzie to wait a little longer. After maybe 30 to 40 minutes Chris appeared out of nowhere. He was a bit surprised we were still waiting. He apologized for the delay. I really can't remember his excuse but I couldn't care less.He suggested we branch this Cafe and grab a bite. Although Suzie didn't want to, I convinced her to come.
At the Cafe we all ordered cheese sandwiches and orange juice. We were talking about school stuff when Suzie got a call, it was her dad. Apparently she was late for something and had to go, leaving Chris and I alone. Once she left it felt as if all the vibe left with her. Suddenly there was nothing to say, we made a few efforts but there was never any topic that lasted more than two replies.
Then, he hit me with the bomb. He told me he had feelings for Suzie and didn't know how to tell her. He also suggested I try to bring him up in one of our conversations and find out what she thinks about him. I was furious deep down but I kept my cool, I told him I'll see what I can do.
He escorted me home but all I could think about was how he didnt even notice me. Maybe it's because I'm a bit chubby and she's slim or the fact that I'm tall. A thousand plus reasons went through my head that night. I was jealous of Suzie.
Several days passed and I noticed his advances towards her, he'd often buy her little gifts and spent considerably more time with her. I'd tried to block him off on several occasions but he was persistent. Suzie was not stupid, she had noticed. I told her to tell him she wasn't interested but she'd refused saying she didn't want to break his heart.
Everything time I watched him show her attention it crushed me. But I couldn't contain my anger when he asked her to be his girlfriend and she said yes. I confronted her after school, she said she had developed feelings for him. I was furious how could she develop feelings for him after knowing fully well that I liked him
That was when I did something really horrible " I said, using my hand towel to blow my nose.
" Go on, what did you do?" the counselor said
" I remember every detail, It happened yesterday. The cafeteria was filled with the aroma of Mac and cheese, everyone's best school meal. The cafeteria was noisy and loud we could barely hear ourselves talking. I asked Suzie, Chris and Jacob, one of Chris's friends if they wanted lemonade and they said yes. I opened my backpack and gave Chris and Jacob one each before bringing out Suzie's own. I also brought out one for myself. We all finished our lemonade.
On our way to class Suzie began to complain that she had a stomach ache. By the time we got to class, she vomited before fainting. She was rushed to the clinic, from there to a nearby hospital . It was then I started to feel bad, I thought poisoning her would make me feel better. I thought if she was out of the way I would have him all to myself, but I was wrong. I feel a thousand times worse, I feel guilty for putting my friend in the hospital. I am a horrible person. I wish the the janitor hadn't walked in on me trying to hang myself, I'd be dead now and you won't be here wasting your time talking to me. " all the relief I had felt earlier was clearly gone.
"Is that all Clara" she said quite calmly
Is that all? What did she mean is that all, how could she not be moved? How could she not hate me?
"Why aren't you shocked or angry" I had to ask.
"Well, Clara even though what you did was totally wrong, selfish, wicked and many more, a lot of people feel the same way you do a lot of times. They feel unloved, unwanted and often get jealous of their neighbors, friends, and relatives. You know what you are going to do?" she asked
" what? "
" I want you to wipe those tears, go apologize to Suzie, forget about Chris they'll be other boys. Besides, your main focus at the moment are your studies. Also, I want you to join the school Christian fellowship. You'll also report to my office every Friday let's chat. And you know what?"
" what? " I replied
" I don't want you to ever say you hate yourself again. You are a very beautiful, smart and wonderful girl and anyone would be lucky to know you or to have you in their life "
I smiled and dried my eyes. I felt a thousand times better than a few moments ago. There was something in the way she spoke that made me feel good about myself
"Thank you so much for the advice ma'am" I said, standing up to leave the office
"Happy to help, have a wonderful day" she said to me as I left the office
I did as she said and since that day my life changed for the better.
Thanks for taking your time to read this story. Honestly I didn't think it would be this long, but once I started I couldn't stop. Hope you enjoyed reading this. Your support, feedback and if possible reblogs are highly appreciated have a great day/night.