This weekend, I met the person of my dreams and I was swept into a world of satisfaction and peace in such a short time that I was sure this was my missing life piece.
In a bid to find some peace and quiet I took a weekend trip to the beach which has become one of my favorite places ever since I began pondering more on life as age kicks in.
I sat across the Atlantic with my favorite pear of beach shorts and I had my head bowed on my knees so I could concentrate on my thoughts only, without any interruption of the beautiful nature that surrounds me.
I was stung by thought of uncertainty. I had wished that it was the future that bothered me, but every breath was a strain to take on and there was no clarity even in my present.
Would I ever find any of everything I was looking for? would I ever be able to laugh from my stomach and smile form my heart? Would I ever hit a point on my bucket list? would I ever feel some sense of satisfaction? Would my deep seated wounds get some healing? Will I ever understand life with all the tragedy that has befallen me?
As I went on and on in my rumbling thoughts, I could feel myself fizzle in to the atmosphere.
My eyes were tearing so badly that it pained me, yet I couldn't stop crying. It was just too much for me to bear. I was engulfed with a strong sense of loneliness and I could barely see a way out. Oh my God! please help me! I'm so tired, so exhausted, so weak, so frail....
I had taken my head off my knee and looked straight at the ocean, willing it to drain my sorrow least I'm drowned by it.
I don't know for how long I had cried and I was completely unaware of my surroundings as my sorrow didn't just blind my heart but my vision too. So I couldn't tell how long he was standing there, with a pack of tissue in his hand, willing me to take some.
"Oh my God!" "I'm so sorry". "How embarrassing", I had said amidst tears and with my hand stretched out to receive the tissue from him.
He barely said anything, he just gazed at me, not blinking, not speaking. But in what seemed like a flash, he was sitting next to me, still staring. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed, for I was an emotional mess with all the sniffing and coughing and teary red eyes.
Finally he spoke and when he did, his voice was still and clear, a strong baritone, yet calm and subduing. He said "You should have more tissue because it looks like you're going to cry again."
I told him in a shaky voice that I wasn't and that I was greatful for the ones I had used already, which was almost half of the entire pack he had brought..
Your sadness is so palpable that the ocean became quiet. I was taking a walk in the sand when I spotted you. I thought I saw some tears rolling down your cheeks but then on a closer look, I realized that you were a crying stream. I couldn't look away, I arched closer but you still couldn't see me. It's been exactly thirty minutes and all you have done is cry with your eyes closed..
I was greatly disturbed and couldn't help but grab some tissue from my bag pack for you, yet you wouldn't take them. How would you take them when you couldn't even see them? I have never seen some one cry so bitterly in my life before. It was almost as if you were never going stop.
I know you don't know me at all but you really need to stop least you get too depressed to appreciate anything in life.
I had been quiet all these while like a child that was being scolded but then I tried to open my mouth to speak but I could only stutter and before I could bare my mind, I started crying again. He put his arms around me and laid my head on his firm chest and begged me to stop.
I said I was sorry, he said don't be. However strange though, is the fact that I found solace resting in his bossom. I could feel his breath over my shoulders and his hand stroked my hair. I had almost completely forgot that this was a man I knew nothing about, yet I didn't seem to mind.
He whispered "everything would be alright" and I nodded in response. He stayed there with me and I didn't even wish to pull off. We stayed there till the moon came up and not once did he stop stroking my hair.
For a bit, I thought it was a dream but then it wasn't.
"Marcus"
He said Marcus.
"My name is Marcus and I itch to know more about you."
I'm Anna and I'm a cry baby. I said.
We both laughed. It was the first real laughter in a long while.
He sat me up, stood up and held me up. Then with his hands in my hand he asked me what way my room was and I told him.
He was lodged just a door way. How strange.
He walked me to my room and all the while, he said nothing, and I wondered if he was a person of few words or if he was waiting for me to start a conversation. I resolved to enjoying the peaceful silence that was only disturbed by our soundless breaths.
At my door, he leaned over and told me in my ears, have a nice warm bath and knock on my door when you're done. You owe me some telling tonight.
I smiled coyly and nodded in approval.
Straight to my bathe tub I laid and allowed the water caress my skin and wash away every dirth. I hummed to Celine Dion's "A new day has come" and I felt really light in my very within.
Out from my luxury bath, I towelled dry, put on some fragrance and a pair of shorts with a tan top.
At his door, I had barely knocked when the door flew opened, startling me a bit. He smiled and said he was sorry, and that he was just checking perhaps I had changed my mind.
We chuckled as he led me in, his wet palms greasing mine.
He beckoned on me to sit and sat close by then we began talking over a bottle of Martinelles..I opened up to him as though he was my therapist and told him of all my fears and the dire uncertainties that plagued me.
He listened so well that he still remained silent after I was done speaking.
Then he took a turn to look me in the face and said "you worry too much. How do you plan to fix things that are not under your control or to determine stuff that are way beyond you? You can only live one step at a time Anna, whilst trusting that everything good will come in time."
"I could see your grief because I was once in so much agony that I contemplated taking my own life but then I had to tell myself that about the things I have no control over, I will never worry over. You should do same."
Those words hit me hard and I was tearing again but this time with a glimpse of hope.
He looked at me and said, please stop Anna, you've had enough crying for an entire lifetime.
I smiled through the tears which he cleaned off with his hands and then we talked about ourselves, our families and how we have cozied up to each other so quickly.
He spoke in all sense of rationality. He said he was going to take on me on as many dates as possible until he knows every inch of me. I'm fascinated by him but unable to fathom why he would choose me. Perhaps I think too low of myself but it's definitely not everyday you find someone that makes you feel like your world is in place.
Just so I never forget he moment, I look right into his eyes with my heart racing and I see nothing but everything sweet and dreamy. I wish that this moment would be freezed and that I never stop feeling as I am now...
It was a weekend get away and yet I had gotten tight into a person who beats the description of the man of my dreams.
That night, my sleep was sweet and long, there were no night mares and no waking up with anxiety attacks..
I took to the balcony to enjoy the view of the ocean.
I was satisfied that even if things rock along the way, I will choose to be grateful for every good moment I share with Marcus.