She never smiled at me, not once; I don't think she even knew who I was. In truth I couldn't blame her as I wasn't much to look at. Plain was my lot in life. Average or below. It didn't help that I was shy, somewhat awkward and spent most of my time with my head in a book - Had a girl actually looked I wouldn't have noticed, but I don't think they did, and certainly never her.
I knew her though.
When I closed my eyes I saw every detail clearly as if she stood in front of me. It was torturous as I'd swing between thinking of nothing else to hating myself for not having the courage to say hello and being so damned average I was beneath her notice.
I remembered the scent of her perfume from the time she'd brushed passed me in the hallway, that way she'd bite her lower lip as she pondered an equation in math class and the way her hair would blow across her face as she sat in the bleachers at football games - her slender hand absently tucking it back behind her ear - short nails painted a dusty pink. Her eyes outshone the stars, and how I longed to have those clear blue eyes upon me, actually seeing me, and to see myself reflected there. A teenagers' unattainable dream.
I could recall the placement of every freckle that lightly dusted her nose, the sound of her laugh and how her beautiful smile lit her face like the suns first rays. I knew her well, but since the first day of high school I'd never found the courage to speak a word to her.
After high school I started working at the hardware store whilst waiting for my enlistment papers. I'd see her over the street where she worked in the ladies dress shop; cowgirl boots, summer dress and that smile. She was stunning in her simplicity, casually fine. She needed nothing more than what she had naturally and my heart skipped a beat each time but I never went over and said hello. I hated myself for it.
I enlisted at eighteen and left the small town I'd grown up in. I wondered if I'd ever be back and if I'd see her again. If I'm honest I wondered if it even mattered considering the fact she had no idea I existed but she was there, on my mind that day...Apart, but still a part of my life.
I'd seen her walking along Main Street as I boarded the bus for recruit training and just for a moment I thought she'd looked right at me, like she actually saw me, but the bus pulled away and she was gone. It was a thought that kept me company for years, along with every other detail I remembered of her. Torturous, but somehow comforting also.
It was five years later when I saw her again.
I'd been overseas and arrived home for my mother's funeral, my deployment having been cut short by a few weeks so I could make it back.
I was different; I'd grown some. Six foot tall, a body made hard through effort, hard living and physical activity, my face lined with the stress of combat and months spent in unforgiving and dangerous places; a road map of where I'd been.
Coming home felt good but the reason clearly wasn't. Stepping off the bus felt odd, familiar but I felt like a stranger, like I didn't belong in civilised society any longer. As the bus pulled away I looked across the street where the ladies dress shop stood unchanged. She wasn't there though. I shook my head, picked up my duffel bag and began the walk home.
A couple days later I sat alone in the diner on Main Street, a cup of black coffee cooled on the table, the pie untouched. I'd just farewelled my mother. It was a quiet affair; funeral director, his assistant, myself and a grave digger standing by to push the dirt into the grave. I said some words, but it didn't seem enough. I felt alone. I felt detached and out of place. Only a few days earlier I was in a foreign country, at war, and part of me missed the simplicity of it, the predictability. I missed the chaos of battle, the bond with my unit, the sense of belonging and I missed...My mum. I felt alone and lonely, more so than I had at any time in my life. I wanted to...
"Hi," the voice cut through the fog an the thought in my mind. I ignored it.
"Hey, I'm so deeply sorry about your mother.
The voice wouldn't go away despite me wishing it would; I just wanted to be miserable...But something tugged at my memory, a scent, like a field of flowers opening to the sun on a cool spring morning; A voice like music that gently wrapped itself about my soul, and stayed there. I looked up.
It was her.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday although many years have passed.
That was the day life truly began; in the hours that followed that moment I came to understand that everything in my life had occurred simply to bring me to that very moment in time and space. I felt something open within me, a release...Maybe it was a lock snapping closed though for in truth I was captured.
Everything I thought I never was and everything I actually was had come together in that moment and my life changed. Life happened and it felt amazing.
Much later I marveled at how a chance meeting, a set of circumstances, can bring such profound change to a person's life and open them to new wonders, bring a sense of belonging and put everything perfectly in place. Serendipity played its hand and from the moment I looked up and saw that smile, clear blue eyes and her concerned and compassionate frown...Well, I always expected I'd fall in battle, not in a diner on Main Street. But fall I did.
We've been everywhere since then: Big cities, small towns, wilderness places, sweeping beaches, dense jungles, verdant valleys and soaring peaks. We rode motorbikes across far away places, kayaked rivers, huddled by an open fires, laughed, cried and loved, inseparable.
My deployments were incredibly difficult for both of us and not much easier when I was home. Deployment, war, changes a man. It's not possible to go through the madness of battle and not be irrevocably altered but she fought for me, side by side with me; a battle she felt was worth the effort. I owe her my life and that's what I gave her.
She had more courage than anyone I'd ever met and was the bravest person I ever knew. I've seen men in battle that did not possess the same mettle as her, the determination and persistence. She never quit on me, no matter what, never, and would not let me do so either though there were times I felt I could stand no longer. She was, and will always be, the better part of me. The best part of me.
I stand here now, an old man, once more alone and out of place. Apart and detached. I don't want to be here. I've lost my way. I just want to fall, to go where she is, but I can't. She's beyond my reach and she'd not want me to come to her right now anyway.
It's not your time, I imagined her soft voice and the way her frown conveyed trust, care and dedication.
You have work to do still, my love, she'd say to me over the years at those times when I felt detached and broken. I'd look at her through eyes filled with tears then find the strength to stand and take another step, with her beside me. Together. I could never let her down, she deserved my best.
But together doesn't last forever and she's gone away, beyond my reach, taking the greater part of me with her, my will and spirit.
I come here every day to feel closer to her and we talk. I talk. In my head she responds but I know it's not real; she's not here. I stand before an engraved piece of granite but somehow it makes me feel closer to her. I know she's not here.
I remember her though, the details of a life well-lived with the most beautiful soul a man could ask for in a partner. She's intrinsic to my being and I feel fortunate to have had our years together, to be the man she loved. I am here now because of her, she saved me, and I've saved the memory of her every detail within my mind like the most valuable treasure for that's what she was to me.
I don't know what I did to deserve a life with her, only that it was a life I'm content with. I loved her as well as I could, showed her every day in the smallest of ways and we designed the life we wanted together. I want to be with her again and know I will. Tomorrow or someday.
I'd always put her before anyone else and vowed never to turn my back upon her but today I walked away thinking to myself, I'll see you soon my love, but not today.
[A fictional piece]
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
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