Hi my name is @blanchy and I do not wish I was invisible because I am invisible so I can tell you all first hand what I get up to. Now I have not come out and told anyone I am invisible because if I do then every military in the world would want to poke and prod my invisible body. I don't fancy my last remaining years being a lab rat thank you very much so I just carry on like a normal person.
Well as normal as you can live your life. I am full invisible so I cannot flick a switch at the back of my neck and turn into Doctor Vernon Specktor. I cannot turn back I am afraid which is a pain.
You will have people say they would walk into a bank and rob the vault during the day and take all the money but believe me, if you are invisible then you can't really spend the dosh. Has money ever floated up to cashier in a grocery store or in a car dealership before. People normally freak out if this happens. If you could see their faces before they faint or run off. So money is out of the question really. If you want a nice car stalk the owner, see where he puts his keys and steal the car. If the cops find the car then just steal another one.
If you want to live in a nice house then you can do that too but be prepared to flat share. I am living in an oligarchs home at the moment in Knightsbridge London. He is never there so I have the place to myself.
The other elephant in the room and the most annoying part of my whole predicament is the whole clothes issue. If I wear clothes then I am visible and it freaks people out so I have to go around bollock naked all day. Not even a pair of jocks or socks. My feet have got used to it but I move to the Canaries during to winter so my testicles are warm. Even when I get home I can't get dressed because nobody knows I live them so it's the one downside of the whole superpower. Take the photo above of me with the suit. I was nearly sprung. It felt weird having clothes on again. So for the reasons above I do not require a job as I have no overheads so what do I do with my day you ask?
Oh my day is quite interesting. I got my idea from Dextor, the TV series. Dextor is a serial killer killer who covers as a blood splatter analyst during the day and hunts for the murderer at night. I do the same to a lesser degree in my life. I have always been a people watcher up until that unfortunate smelting accident that caused my invisibility so now I just do it in these peoples houses on the seat next to them. I don't murder them or anything, I am more in the petty revenge genre.
Take the next door neighbours for example. John and Mary. Nice couple but they kill each other in their house. Mary gives as good as she gets and if anything I would be ringing the police for poor John. Mary kicked the dog up the arse the other day. I didn't like that at all, So I gave Mary the biggest kick up the arse she is ever likely to get. I ran from the corner of the kitchen. Mary had bent down to tidy something up with the dustpan and brush. I did a run at her like a rugby player does before they hit a conversion and I landed my boot perfectly to knock her forward. Then I say in a dogs voice "Rat rell reach rou Mary, ron't rick ree ragain". Mary screams and runs out the door into the street. Oh I forgot to mention animals can see me no problem. Humans can't. So Raffles the friendly mutt had a front row seat to watch his revenge unfold. And if she does it again then Mary will be getting another root up the arse.
I'm a big fan of football so I head to the matches and have the best view in the house. On the pitch. I run around with the players and get the best angles for free kicks and penalties. Sometimes I even lie down at the wall during free kicks and act as a draft excluder and go in for the half time talk. There were two goals at the world cup final in Qatar that deflected off me. I wanted Argentina to win the World Cup so I helped my man Messi out. Pushed him back onside on a few occasions and gave Loris a little pull for the penalty. I was beside him lifting the world cup. It was a great individual achievement and I stole one of the subs medals back in the dressing room because I played more of a part than they did.
Even though I am invisible I am still a warm blooded male so I head to the states and hook up with my girlfriends. I have dated the worlds most glamourous women. Kim Kardashian, Margot Robbie, your one from game of thrones Emilia something or other, some of the pussycat dolls. Now in fairness they don't really know that we are dating but I pick them up, have dinner with them and normally spend the night. They think it's the water in the showers that is causing a stir, but it is actually me, well me or their hunky Hollywood boyfriends but you get the picture. I have become used to the Menage a trois. Now it makes the other guy look like an animal in the bedroom. It's like he has 4 hands and a couple of tongues. Some kind of mystical sea monster. Stories get around that this guy is great in bed so it's a win win. I think some of the boyfriends know what is going on but they stay quiet because they are getting all the credit.
I get the red eye home in first class and check in on Raffles to make sure Mary didn't kick up the arse again. If she does then there will be hell to pay. Rumour has it that there are a couple of people exactly in my predicament around the world. I definitely know of a Russian assassins' who has the power of invisibility and he is working overtime at the minute firing oligarchs out windows for Vladimir. He even came to my oligarchs house to do the same. I wasn't having none of it and did a type of home alone 2 obstacle course on him tailored to invisible people. Lots of fire extinguishers and cling film. He fled the scene after this. At least I know I am not alone in this world although I may have to end up firing him out a window after an oligarch if he has the same ideas as me and a Menage a Trois becomes a Menage a Quatre.
Anyway that is my story. Being invisible is a glamorous lifestyle and everything is free because nobody can really stop you taking anything but you can't be a goody two shoes. If you are then you are doomed before you even start. So if you ever get a kick in the arse after kicking your dog, there is a good chance that its me. If a ball gets cleared off the line in a big football match then it is probably me. If you supermodel missus thinks you are the best lover ever, well then it is most definitely me.
Now I must go. Ferrari have their new car in the showroom so I am going to take it for a little test drive. I shall keep a close eye on the invisibility posts this weekend. I is a very serious topic to me and it is not all rosy in the garden.