The shocking news that the world famous Beer festival in Munich has been cancelled, and fears that it may lead to civil unrest throughout Southern Germany.
Orders for Lederhosen have plummeted by 80%, while online orders for Molotov cocktails, have increased by over 23,467%
Daily Patriots insipid intrepid reporters have taken to the streets to find out whats really going on...
For the first time since World War II, Munich's iconic Oktoberfest has been canceled. This a significant blow to Germany's tourism, beer industry, and ugly people, reported Bloomberg.
Bavarian Premier Markus Soeder told reporters on Tuesday:
"We agreed that the risk is simply too great,and while we feel for the plight of ugly people, We are now living in different times."
"Laughter and good times are thing of the past," He said, pointing out practical ways in which to alleviate the lack of smiling.
"Smiling and laughing is not something that I, myself , have ever suffered from, so we've put together a panel of experts to help treat this condition."
He will be distributing a leaflets to every household in Germany, to offer advice about how to cope. (the post office system will actually be doing the distribution part, as he's unable to deliver each pamphlet personally, due to upcoming commitments).
Having distributed a copy of this pamphlet to the reporters at the press conference, we've being going through some of the key points.
Here are two main points.
1/ The best way to cope with not smiling, is to spy on your neighbors from your window, and report anyone that ventures out onto the streets.
This will give you sense of helping the community, and at the same time, make being happy a distant memory.
As Markus Soeder said " There's nothing like snitching on a friend to rid yourself of any mirth. I did it myself in the late 1930's, and I've never smiled once since."
2/ While they appreciate that many ugly people will not be getting laid, due to the banning of the festival, it's vitally important to understand that we are all in this together, and collectively, some of us must do without our oats.
He also pointed out in the press conference that webcam services will be available to the most needy, and the government has negotiated discount rates for those wishing to use this service.
Markus Soeder also went on to say that there will be upcoming employment opportunities online, mostly for good looking girls. His employment department will be holding interviews over this next coming week. Send any applications to pvtcams4jerrys.com
After leaving the press meeting earlier today we went out to the streets of Munich to guage feelings - but there we were promptly arrested for 'loitering with intent to make people smile'.
This draconian attempt to stifle reporting, using any excuse they choose to, has not gone unnoticed by the UN human rights watch. (they have commended their actions).
Once bail has been paid, and we are free to go, we'll attempt to go back out onto the streets, to hear what the German people themselves really have to say about this totalitarian ban on happy times.
