A Voice In My Head
Ive always had a voice in my head that coaxes me into thinking that its my friend but it is actually my enemy. It only speaks when I am at my weakest or when i am depressed. Ive tried to keep it silent but sometimes its so loud i feel like my skull my fractures. Other people make blending in seem so easy, like no one else lives with axiety and depression. It truely feels like im the only freak. My family, friends and even my husband dont know whats truly going on or the fact that i almost ended my life last week. This is the story.
I work in a restaurant that tends to be quite busy, being the manager i have to do everything and everyone depends on me. Things were heating up with many customers not being satisfied with the slop that counts as food. Nothings wrong with the food i just hate it. After six hours im emotionally drained, who wouldnt be? Having strangers scream in my face for the wait time or theres some microscopic error is rediculous and they want me to gruffle at their feet for it. So i said "f•ck it, im done being nice" i pretend im a robot, turned off my emotions but doing everything the way it should be. Its closing and everyone desides to leave me with closing duties. Which is a seven men load by itself. Defeated i try to keep my emotions off but the little voice has returned saying "do you really think you're a manager? Youre just a pupet. Youre nothing. No one would care if you left, they would just replace you." I try not to listen to it as i finish my work but it returns. "You're too easy. You can never say no and this is why youre stuck cleaning the whole god damn restaraunt." This is true, no one even bothered to help. "You know im right, ive always been right. I also know what would make you feel better. Go to the bathroom and lets cut ourselves just to see it bleed. You like that because you think it makes you still human but you cant even feel the pain. Youre a f•cking freak" I feel so overwhelmed by the anxiety attack that has consumed me and the jelously of my peers leaving early that i try to push on with my remaining work. "Oh come on you mean nothing to them. Everyone thinks you're a bitch and you know it." Finally done with my work i leave and slump down in my car. Tears are pouring out, i cant control how badly im crying i feel like im going to pass out. "Your husband left you the first time because you were suicidal, he can find a normal girl to have a normal life. Your sister is happy even your mother is happy. You're a freak" the voice wont stop whispering in my ear the whole ride home and with each word it persuades me to finally end it. To be free of a lifetime of anxiety, responsibilty, depression everything. Finally home parked in my driveway i know im a danger to myself. I dont want to be alone so i call my husband no answer, same with my sister and mother. "See even your so called love of your life and family dont care. So just open the garage, drive in, close it and lets listen to some music while you drift asleep." Debating with myself just makes me cry more and more to the point where i feel blind, i just want all the pain to stop. I dont want to feel like a freak anymore so i give in and open the garage and drive in. " yes, now you just have to close it. Just close the garage and lets fall asleep." Ok. I close it. "Now put on your favorite song, lean back and fall asleep" right as i give in and turn on my phone to find the song my husbamd calls. This jolts me emotionally and physically to where i turn off the car and franically tell him everything. I tell him " i feel awful for almost ruining so many lives by taking my own" instead of being angry he soothes me with kind words and promises me a lifetime of hugs, kisses anything just for me to tell him that ill be ok. That day I almost gave into my depression and did something unspeakable. I'm so glad I didn't because the day after I found out my sister was pregnant. An inocent child would have never known me. I live each day knowing ill make a difference in that childs life even of its a little silly.