My seasonal layoff has arrived, and nobody is safe. I had a good night's sleep, I'm feeling a little saucy, and this sauce is gonna be so hot it'll bite you back!
It's a roast post ladies and gents, and this time, rather than looking inward, I'm looking around the room.
Do I need to do a disclaimer first? Who cares, I like anything that absolves me of responsibility, so you're getting one:
DISCLAIMER!
This will be a tongue-in-cheek (also sometimes called sarcastic) look at some of the quirks I see in the community. I don't mean to offend anyone, so if any of this offends you...
I'm not sorry. It's your problem. Seek therapy.
Was that rather less cordial than you're accustomed to? Back out now, it probably only gets worse from here.
I feel entitled to complain a little bit, now that I understand I am a minority in this community. It took me a while to catch on... all the bright colors and laughter originally made me think that this was a club for gay white people. Now that I've been here enough to actually look at the crowd, it's obvious that all the bright colors are because we're in Nigeria. I should have caught on quicker, since most of the guys were trying to pick up women, but as an American, when I see a well groomed man with his shirt off trying to dance, my first thought is not 'Well that's a straight guy trying to score.' If the room had not been so dark, I'm sure I would have noticed @nelson-george trying to be smooth while staring at the ladies' cleavage. Not that I would have known if it was him, or @didijames, or @diikaan, @writermaximus, or a handful of you other fellas. Did you all collaborate on your look, or is that tight haircut and wispy chin hair a huge coincidence? I'm not saying you all look alike, but you definitely look like you go to the same shop to get your hair cut. @mrenglish stands out with the shaved face, but if nobody has told you sir... you look like a hitman in your profile pic. Seriously dude, if I saw you out somewhere looking like that, I'd be waiting for you to start shooting at James Bond any minute.
I feel caught in the middle. If I sit at the white table with @blanchy and @crsarmy7, people are going to think I'm their drunk mexican waiter. At best, they might think @blanchy was a reporter, @crsarmy7 is the photographer, and I'm the guy carrying their equipment. If I hang out in the Nigerian crowd, people are going to think I'm a country western artist doing an R&B collaboration song. The only place I feel at home is on the stage, where EVERYBODY just sees that I'm better than them!
If I remember correctly, the club opened in Iran. When @amirtheawesome1 first turned on the lights, I don't think he realized that he's the only funny guy in his whole country. I hear that in Iran, like in America, you have to be careful what jokes you tell in front of an audience, or someone might start shooting. In Nigeria, it seems the worst that is likely to happen is someone might start shouting. You won't get booed off the stage, some mean aunty will just give you a tongue lashing, and one or two old folks might swing at you with a cane. Much safer than the UK, where @blanchy is from. Every picture I've ever seen of the UK has at least one person with a bleeding head wound in it. They're probably all angry about the warm beer I hear they serve, but they don't have guns to just shoot each other like Americans, so they hit each other in the head to solve their differences.
There's still plenty to be afraid of in this Nigerian club. I'm talking about you Nigerian women! @princessbusayo, @adedoyin-g, @merit.ahama, @omosefe, I'm looking at you! Not directly of course, I know better than to make direct eye contact. You beautiful gap-toothed lionesses are terrifying in a pack. If that sounded like a pick up line, I assure you it was unintentional... I'm already in a relationship with a woman who is always laughing at me.
The Nigerian community has really helped to grow the Comedy Open Mic community. Through relentless effort, COM has managed to grow from dead last, to third from last in the OCD Community Incubation program. I'd like to take a little credit for that, since I brought in one of the communities that is even smaller than COM. The rest of the credit goes to some Jewelry community. The one I brought in was Homesteading community, and I see a lot of these Nigerian faces (or is it just one of you, with many accounts?!) over there as well.
I don't know how many people are in the country of Nigeria, but there seem to be enough Nigerians on HIve to vote in a pro-Hive government over there. We're all counting on you girls (let's face it, they're more motivated than most of you guys!) to make Nigeria the first country to adopt HBD as the national currency. If you need help organizing press releases for the cause, talk to @blanchy.
I really want to thank @amirtheawesome1, not only for bringing us this lovely community, but for helping the members to hone their comedy skills. Even @royalevidence got me to smile, once, after about 1600 attempts at humor. Practice might not make perfect, but at least it makes you well practiced.
I don't want to say too much about @ayesha-malik, because she seems like the type who might burn my house down for a laugh if I offend her. I do miss her sharp wit and temper around here, though. Her words are a bit more, fearless, than most of us here. In my country, we would say she has bigger balls than all the guys in this room.
I haven't said anything about @diebitch, because I wasn't sure she'd look up from her writing. I imagine she gets to hang out at the moderator's booth, with @lisfabian and @merit.ahama. @corvidae and @deeanndmathews probably get to sit at that table as well, when they bother to drop by.
I know I've left some of you out, including some regulars. Rest assured, it's because I haven't been paying attention to you. Step up your game, and maybe you can get roasted next time.
1000+ words is more than enough for this set. So long, you beautiful losers!
That's a picture of the first flames of a bonfire we had here at the homestead, when I first started clearing the adjacent property.
I hope I didn't burn anybody too bad in this roast post. If I hurt one or more of your feelings, let me know, and I'll apologize as sincerely as I can manage. If none of you complain, I'll take that as encouragement. You've been warned :D