I like to think of myself as a good person most times, well sometimes so I like to think as a good person, good things should always happen to me right? right?
Before I continue, I'd like you to know that this post is a submission to the Paritae blogging competition "Dating Chronicles". Be free to check it out and have a laugh or two or three.
I haven't gone on many dates and this is because the ones I have actually gone on ended up terribly. The one that sits fresh in my memory is the date I went on in my third year as a university student.
I was a shy boy, no taller than 5'7, and extremely skinny so there was no chance I was ever going to go on a date with Princess(let's call her Princess for the sake of this post).
She was a tall fair girl and the prettiest girl in my entire faculty, I didn't stand a chance. As God will have it, she lost a bet with me and her punishment was going on a date with me.
Being the reward for losing a bet wasn't a good rep at all but I took it, I had no shame. I was going to use this one chance to impress the heck out of her. I had everything planned, we were going to go to a restaurant to eat first then we'd leave to sit out at the open field we had.
I knew I needed divine intervention if I was going to get laid. The chances of me getting a pet dragon were higher than me getting laid.
The time came and we met in front of the school gate so we could go to the restaurant together, this was where my problems started. Remember I said I was shy, the ride in the cab was very awkward so I started to talk, thinking about it now, I probably should've kept my mouth shut.
I asked her things like, "What's your favorite brand of pencil", and what would happen if she woke up and she was an elephant.
It didn't take long for the police to stop us, they were on their regular "stop and search" routine and because I have a way of drawing unwanted attention, they stopped and search the cab we were in. They asked us where we were going and I explained everything to them. They began to laugh, asking us to come down from the vehicle.
"How did you manage to bag fine girl, did you use juju(?charm or voodoo if you will)".
Those weren't the policeman's words but that puts it in context. They didn't have to make it more awkward, I mean I knew she was out of my league but I wasn't that bad. After much pointless laughing, they let us go, wishing me luck I clearly needed.
I'm glad she found it funny. We got to the restaurant and settled, she eased the tension by asking me a few questions and I answered with flare. She found me interesting, at least that's what I thought. My bad luck streak didn't end there.
The bill came and my card decline several times, I knew this was my dead grandmother's doing. She offered to pay and being the alpha male I was, I had no other choice. Even if the was a 0.00000000009% chance of me getting laid, this just killed it.
I just consoled myself with the fact that I went on the date. We couldn't even sit out on the field to talk about how many kids we were going to have, it was already raining.
By some miracle, she confessed she had a crush on me while we were waiting for the rain to stop. At first, I thought she was pranking me but it turned out to be true, we talked about it for a while and waited for the rain to stop. I realized I should've just been myself the whole time.
The rain finally stopped and she asked if I had other plans, I told her about the field but everywhere would be wet. I told her I was planning to head back home after this and she offered me the option to come to her place which I gladly took. Universe 3, Nelson 1.
I was suddenly back in the game, I had one more opportunity to impress her and the chances of my getting laid increased.
Luckily for me, her parents traveled and were coming back the next day so we had the house to ourselves. We got to her house, see had a beautiful room, blue walls and a big bed, big enough to fit two people.
We talked for a while as she tried to arrange, then I started getting sex signals from her. What am I saying? the date itself was already defying the laws of physics, it was only fair I got laid.
I sat closer to her on the bed and acted like I didn't know what was about to happen. Maybe I wasn't going to get laid but the image I played in my head about making intense. We started making out and my shirt was off already, one hand was on her boob.
We switched and she was on top of me with only her bra and skirt on, it was actually going great, maybe I was going to get laid afterall, I took off my jean trousers. We were both half-naked on my bed. The universe wasn't done with me yet.
Her room light came on, and there her dad was, staring at his daughter on top a stranger, both of us half naked. Her mom followed behind. Princess had got the timing of their arrival wrong.
She immediately got off me and followed her dad as he stormed out of the room. I could hear him scream at her from the living room. Her mum didn't leave with them, she just stood by the door and continued staring at me.
I was naked, the only thing I tried to do was cover up myself with as much of the bed sheet as I could, the silence between us was loud.
The next thing I heard was her dad chasing her out of the house and locking the door. I was still lying on the bed, I probably should've got up. I just knew I was a dead man. He came back to the room, looked at me and locked the door. I just called James, my friend, and told him I was going to be home late, he shouldn't wait up for me. I told him if he didn't see me the next morning, he should know I was dead.
Long story short, he let me out after 2 hours without my shirt on, he had wanted to call the police but his wife stopped him.
I never talked to Princess and I never told anyone about it until now.
Be safe out there, don't go to a girl's house after a date, it never ends up well, the universe is out to get us.