"Uppps!!, wow, I will be there. Thanks. Hoping to see you. Byeee". That was my response the first day I received a call from my date. My people, I have had series of funny unforgettable dating experiences and I will love to share some with you all. Emm, please promise me that you will not laugh at me. But, feel free to laugh over my stories. Hahaha. It's time. Let's go...
My first date
At the age of 15, there was this handsome guy that persuaded me to fall in love with him. All my friends too, was happy to know that the young man is out for me. Initially, I said "no" because, my parents taught me not to accept any suchlike proposal from any man. But the guy, whose name is Chinedu along with all my friends persuaded me to taste what friendship is all about. Therefore, I accepted without the consent of my parents. He also bought me phone for easy communication. Though, my parents were unaware of it.
2 months later, he asked me if am still a virgin, I said yes, but he didn't believe me. He told me that he wants to be sure. How? I asked. He told me to allow him check so as to believe. That means, I must visit him and same time have sex with him. Anyway, we agreed on a particular day. But, the issue is how to convince my parents. Hmm, my socalled friends then brought an idea. That I should tell my parents that our class teacher asked us to help her with her farmwork and that all the students are going to spend night in her house on Friday so as to start the work early.
I told my parents exactly what they said and my parents, though they trust me also confronted them and our voices rhymed. That evening, I set off to our agreed venue. Imagine, I dressed up just to give out my dignity as a woman to a mere guy who is not even my husband. Hmm. My guy was so excited to see me. He took me to an Inn, we kept on drinking till 11:30 pm. At this point, we were staggering. On our way home, Police officers stopped us. First of all, they gave us bouncing hot slap that nearly blind my eyes. More to that, Since my guy is 17 years old and am 15 yrs old, they decided to flog us according to the number of our age. Why? here in Nigeria, you can only drink alcohol if you're upto 18 yrs and above.
Looking deep into my eyes, he accepted to receive both his strokes and mine, that is, 32 strokes of cain. Initially, my guy was doing as if nothing is happening. Honestly, he's a strong guy. As soon as they reached 20, I asked him if it's paining him, he said no, after 25 strokes, his face changed and I asked him if he wants to cry? He said no, that he is ready to die for me oo, After 2 more strokes, tears started gushing out from his eyes. I asked him what it is naa, do you know what was his response? Hehe, he told me that he's not crying, rather, it's just tears of joy. After receiving the 32 strokes of cane, it was difficult for him to walk. But, as soon as we reached his house, I boiled hot water and massaged his backend. Then, in the morning, he undressed himself before my very eyes and his frontend rose up to kill. Then, he said to me that it's time. Upppps, I took to my heel because my mother told me not to accept such offer else, I will get pregnant. Seriously, I flew for my life. And even till today, he sees me as witch. Hahaha, it's even better.
2nd and 3rd date
Years later, at the age of 20, another young guy, by the name Ebuka in his early 20's approached me for relationship and I accepted. On our first hangout, he bought bottled alcoholic drinks and meat. At a point, I was seriously pressed. So as I rose up to urinate, unintentionally, my laps Shaked the plastic table and all the bottles and cups fell down and broke into pieces. Surprisingly, I received a hot dirty slap on my cheeks that I was unable to see for some seconds. Next, I heard him shouting about the damages I've caused him. More to that, he called me witch. Remember, it's the exact name the first guy called me. Hmmm, he didn't even care that I sustained injury from the broken bottles. Honestly, I became ashamed of myself.
But, another young guy intervened on my behalf. He rose up from his seat, cautioned my guy over his dirty reaction against me and same time, payed for all the damages. Seeing how calm and ashamed I was, the guy also embrace me, held me on his arm, and also took me home. Before he left, we exchanged contacts. Then, with suiting words, he promised to be the type of man I will need and never to hurt me. From that day onward, we became friends and our friendship was also official to our parents.
On his birthday celebration, he invited me over to sleep in his house. I accepted freely. Remember, am still a virgin oo, Hmm, that night, while sleeping, he started touching me somewhere up and down. Remember those my mum's word to me never to allow any man to touch my particles because, they're my particulars as a woman. So, as he was touching me in real life, I was seriously dreaming.In that dream, I saw a guy trying to force himself on me. To defend myself, I gave him some blows and same time, I grabbed his frontend and squeezed it. At this point, my guy started crying profusely and I woke up. Imagine, it's his frontend I was holding and squeezing. And his doctor confirmed that years must pass before he'll regain his ability to perform as a man again. My people, that was how that relationship collapsed. Are my going to wait for him? is it my fault? Why should he even touch me when he knows am sleeping?
The fourth date
Few months later, I met another young man in his early 30's, seriously, we fell in love with each other. He also made our relationship official and we were seriously planning for our wedding. Here in Nigeria, it's the custom of most men to taste the sexual ability of their potential spouse before marriage. And to some, they will like their wife to conceive before marriage. But his case was altogether different. When I told him am still a virgin, he was so eager to confirm it. Therefore, he invited me over to his house. I went and was also eager to taste what sex is all about. Hmm, my people, reverse was the case o. He gave me rum and after drinking, I fell asleep. According to him, he wanted to perform something but felt reluctant because, he must respect my dignity as a virgin. For sure, he can't take it away from me without my consent. While waiting for me to rise up. He felt something like water in his body. He checked and found out I have bed-wet. Upppps, he woke me up with anguish. He said to me
What is this?
Heey, I recalled that while walking on a lonely road in my dream, I felt pressed and went to urinate under a nearby tree not knowing that I was urinating on his bed. Heey, in the morning, after washing his bedspread, he sent me out. Calling me all sorts of names. He even said that am an outcast. My people, that was how it all came to an end. But, one remarkable thing is that this guy do call me "Baaby", and I acted like a baby just once, now, he ended the relationship. Is it my fault? bed-wetting is it not one of the qualities of a baby? Awwwch.
Last date
Because of all the above mentioned heartbreaks, I decided to attend different churches and ministries. But, none prophesied to me or even tell me that I have an evil spirit. Hmm, hehe, so, what's the issue? Anyway, there is this my neighbor living next to our house. Sometimes, if am going to ministry, he will even give me money for t-fair. And most times, he will be the one to take me to church with his vehicle. He always give me gifts. We were nothing but friends though, I was unaware that he was crushing on me. So, one day, he organized a party and invited me. According to him, it's his engagement party. As soon as I heard the reason for the party, my heart became so bitter. Few days to the party, I told him that I don't have any gown for such party as an excuse not to attend the party.
His response and reaction baffled me. He took me to market, bought both shoes, gown and jewelries for me specially for the party. Meaning that I have no reason to say "No". At the party, surprisingly, he knelt down before me, brought out a ring, and asked me publicly to be his wife. Heey, up till today, I can't explain or define how I reacted. All I know is this..
I gave him a slap, and asked him why he has caused me so much stress. I have gone to several prayer houses, ministries and churches in hunt of my real bone, not knowing that he's the one I do see on regular basis. So you wanted me to die before revealing yourself to me? Infact, put the ring in my hand immediately.
Surprisingly, he humbly put the ring on my finger, kissed me and said to me
I love you
Despite that I slapped him o. Tho, it was just an expression of feeling and love. lolz
2 days later, we hanged out, I did as if am pressed and intentionally shake the table so that the bottles will fall and break. Happily, it happened as I planned. Do you know that instead of harassing me, he held me, and said,
Did you sustain any injury?
I said no, and he made sure of my safety first. This is actually the type of man I've been looking for not knowing he's right beside me.
My people, all these are my dating chronicles which I can't forget in a hurry.
This post is a submission to the paritae blogging competition "Dating Chronicles
Thanks to #ComedyOpenMic for accepting this collaboration from paritae.com. Wishing every participant success, including myself. Lolz