Am I too late? Oh this is a round after round after round thingy. Good! Or rather unfortunate for me since I thought that I dodged this after the first round was over.
@amirtheawesome1/the-comedy-open-mic-contest-round-2-announcement-40-hbd-in-prizes
I haven't got the faintest what I should write about and as always, if asked to be funny, I completely freeze and lock and all that crap and will just instantly melt through all the levels of funniness in to a stage where you've heard it all before and I'll just keep digging my hole deeper although I already am at the bottom of the darkest and sorriest pit imaginable knowing that as this is real life there are no saving angels, no miracle lines to come up with which could save me from going deeper underground thinking that if I dig deep enough, I end up on the other side, in the upside-down world where people think that YES this is our kind of humor, shall you be our lord and savior of our precious jokeland but then I realize that that conversation wasn't real, it was all in my head and after digging and digging a long time, it's pretty hot in the middle of the earth and I burn and melt and and cook and die by digging too deep.
Sweet!
Hungry anyone?
As always, when taking a photo of a pretty or an interesting scenery my thought proses goes as follows: "Uu, nice, I'm posting this to Instagram, or should I, this is taken with just my old, crappy phone and there are so many better photos from awesome photographers although some photos are post-processed so much that it makes me puke and that's it, I can always hashtag nofilters, although it's pretty dumb but I'm sure people understand that even though I sometimes may take a good photo, there are plenty of those photos that aren't that great because that's how life is, not always perfect but who am I kidding, people will crucify me or you if you're not perfect all the time and that nofilters thing is for those who post selfies and although they claim that they have not done anything to their face or body, it's obvious that there's hours of workout behind and especially in belfies on behind, and layers of makeup that's made to look like there's no makeup at all and carefully selected clothes and positions and lighting and camera angles and this is stupid, I never should have even taken this photo and I should just delete it or better yet, smash my phone in to tiny little pieces and if I'm lucky, couple of those pieces will shoot straight in to my eyes and blind me and I walk under a car and die.
Died because of the thought of posting to Instagram.
Nice.
There was this screwdriver and a lamp and I don't know what but this happened. It broke. It detached itself from its other parts.
You want to hear the longer version?
Oh, I don't mind, not at all!
Well, I'll tell it anyway.
There was this thing that I had to do which, at this point, is insignificant what it was but before covid times it could have been like meeting a friend at a certain time but then right at the same time when I was thinking that I should go and change my fartpants in to something more civil and perhaps think about leaving my home, I stumble in to this lamp that has been lying on the table for six months because the plastic thingy that is used to attach it to the table has been broken for two years and six months ago it finally just crumbled in to tiny pieces because the lamp is like at least two decades old and I can no longer use it as it's impossible to attach it properly and there are no spare parts sold to this lamp and if there were, I would only accept a part made of metal but since there isn't and since I have a hard time throwing anything away because at the very moment when I do that, I realize where I could have used it or some of it's parts so there it is and at the exact moment when I should almost leave my house or do that important thing, I notice that a screwdriver has quietly tiptoed next to it and I'm wondering what it's doing there and I pick it up and try to take it back to all it's screwdriver friends and I can't because the screwdriver in my hand goes to work and there's no way for me to stop it and it just screws and screws until there's nothing to screw anymore and I'm helplessly sitting there and for some reason happen to look at the clock and realize that I'm late and manage to change my clothes, leave my home and with just two steps survive the stairs down four floors, all this in 30 seconds and not die and I don't run under a car or die there either but when my friend sees me and I try to explain how I'm so sorry, I'm late because I screwed too much and too long and my friend looks at me with a death stare and that's what kills me.
Killed by too much screw... (Aaaa, you thought I was going there but no, I'm not predictable, not at all!)
Killed with just one look.
Doesn't sound nice at all.
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I know you're thinking you know what I think is the next way for me to die. I have many weird habits but nibbling electrical cords is not one of them. And no need to worry, the nibblers aren't my cats either. It's just because the lamp is old and it's been against the wall in various places and do you want more explanations?
Anyway, I was using this lamp to kill insects by electrocuting them so I think the insects don't care if they get electrocuted by the cord or by the bulb in the lamp which lures the flying bastards with UV light to touch the metal in the bulb and zap it goes and the pest is just smoke and dried corps posing like a... dried corps.
But what was I about to say was that look at those nails! Geez they some are long. I usually use a kettlebell to shorten my nails and sometimes almost my fingers too, it's a good thing there's some stretchy skin that covers my fingers, otherwise some of them would have dropped off, especially when practicing kettlebell swing high throws and there's a kettlebell 360° turn in there somewhere too and a catch, might as well through a summersault in there too so perhaps someday it will not just shorten my fingernails, which I've by the way also done with my wrist and that is a good skill to possess since I can't carry a kettlebell everywhere, some might just call it over explaining but what can I do, my hands mostly do the talking for me, so perhaps some day I will also try to correct my myopic with the kettlebell but end up exaggerating, like I usually do, and the kettlebell fixes all the little and big issues that are in my brain and my brain just happily pops out of my ear and runs away.
Brain, you are free! Run brain, run!
Death by a kettlebell.
So this is what's left of the lamp. Dirt and spare parts. Not all of them because of my lovable sparepartinators, but most. Although I turned my back multiple times, the parts didn't magically vanish, like they usually do, the more important parts, the faster they vanish.
You get a call, answer it, concentrate on something else for two minutes and when you look again there's one furry rollinator there staring to your eyes and meows that they guarded the parts for you and you doubtfully thank the cutinator for doing that and think that you're not quite sure what is missing but something is definitely missing, is it the most important part, no, that's still there, you glance at the TV or clock or your child or your spouse or anything, doesn't matter, you turn your eyes back and the furrinator is still there, at the same position, staring at you but now the most important part is gone and you get little worked up because you just were about to do something with it and you start searching for it and every time you come back one or several parts are missing and you lovely terminator has a friend and they both stare at you and meow how this is a pretty cool game your playing with them and as you recruit your whole family to find the parts and your neighbor and that best neighbor of all neighbors brings her cat and soon there's more cats than spare parts and when the night comes and everyone goes to sleep except the nightynators and you're squeezing one part in your fist so hard that you no longer have blood circulation in it and you have a bad nightmare about losing your spare parts and screws and marbles and you wake up, no spare part in your hand but your wonderful meowinator staring at you and you catapult yourself out of your bed because you're determined to find every single one of those spare parts and all of a sudden all the parts are there, on the floor, under your heel every time you step and as you vaguely realize that it hurts like hell you also notice that you jumped up too quickly and you can't help but to fall and hit your head to the corner of the coffee table.
Death by spare parts.
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One more.
I found these, refrigerator magnets, surprisingly attached to the door of my refrigerator. The magnets have actually been there almost twenty years, bought by my son, and left there by my son as he's just few weeks ago, moved out and I've been looking at every book, plate, bedsheet with that certain: "Could I get away with dumping this to my son saying that it's foolish to buy everything new because I have plenty of crap you can take and besides you never know when you're going to need a... a... corn skewer or a ridiculously tiny box where you can almost fit one small egg" -way but he said that he doesn't want the magnets because they weren't that good to begin with and that he's grown out of playing Minecraft on a fridge door several years ago and that I can just throw them away and I'm simply horrified: "Whaaaaaaat do you mean, throw away?" and I end up taking the magnets away beeeeeecauuuuz I can use them... somewhere... like in macrophotography as background and oh boy have the magnets stayed on the door solely with dust and dirt because the magnets are so weak that you can barely call them magnets and yes, now I have to organize the magnets, this should be easy, similar to same piles but oh no, I also have to organize the piles, what method should I use, color or material similarity like rock, rocky, sand, sandy rock, grassy rock and lava but oh no I can't put lava and TNT side by side because it would be a safety hazard and what the f... is this, a bookshelf, where's timber, shouldn't there be timber first, you can't expect me to believe that rock or water evolves straight to a bookshelf, I can't... I can't... I can't... compute... syntax error!
Refrigerator magnet death.
The tittle should have been: "Ways to die".
I tried to write that but you know, autocorrect.
Checking if I followed the rules.
The Rules
Yes. I see. And I also understand. But you didn't ask that. From now on I will promise to not understand anything.
Use the tag #comedyopenmic and #comtest
I used it to pay my croceries.
link to your entry on this post.
You mean THIS post? Isn't it... kinda futile?
Entries must be in English.
Sparepartinator, rollinator, cutinator, furrinator, nightynator, and meowinator are English words. Trust me, I know. I'm not an expert but I took a look and I'm a Finn and I did my own recearch.
Your entry must be posted
So that's why I wasn't mentioned after round 1! I participated but unfortunately I published it only in my head! Solid advice, thanks!
You must be subscribed to the community
Don't leave me hanging man! How does the sentence end? ...to the community of worshippers from another dimension? Okay, I'll join, where is it? Oh, riiiiight. Darn. I'm all out of my anotherdimensionpowder.
.
Got it. Be a dot. Being a dot. I'm a dot. Or is it a spot? Oh gooooooood, I can't be both!
There's no limit set to the rewards.
Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes yes! Me likey ninehundredmillionzilliongilliongatrillion Hive or Euro, send soon, send please, send help.