Mood Swings

I'm dealing with mood swings. Damp hair, first cup of coffee, Facebook surprises, lukewarm water with lemon - the world still smells, wakes up, rises, promises something in the morning. The day turns to work, thoughts, doubts, and the evening often ends in sadness. I swear I fight very, very hard, often even with all my might, but emotions take over and leave logic somewhere on the sidelines. I miss my country so badly. I miss my sisters, especially when Christmas is approaching. Life when you change countries in winter is interesting but challenging. New place, new home, new people around - this is OK. But holidays without my whole family is challenging.

"I'm strong, I'm strong" - I repeat it like a prayer while walking in the evening, reading books, cooking meals, trying to do routine things. "I am strong" - and I started believing it one day. Just on the day when the winter mood fully occupies the space, but the birds are still chirping outside, and the rain is washing blooming flowers, the wind is blowing home the smell of the sea next to our new house. Then I smiled, and I hope, that smile will remain on my face. I know, maybe just for a few evenings. Or maybe just for a few moments. But it remains, covers all the whole heart, all the mind, all the body, then I can sit, smile and be silent. Or talk. And go for a walk with the children. We walked far away, without phones, when only the house keys rattled in my pants pocket. We joked that if we lost them, we wouldn't have anything, not even a place to stay for the night. We will then be the kind of homeless, ordinary people that we all will become one day when we leave this life.

It is easier to live as an ordinary person. I own this sun, this rain, this music and a cup of coffee. Just like you own it.

And tonight I won't let myself be sad. After all, I have a book to read waiting for me, I need to cook dinner for the family, play with the children. This is happiness.

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