I pick up the phone. As always, she's complaining about the same things, feeling tired, not sleeping well, and working at a dead-end job she hates. As always she is not complaining about all the junk food she eats, all the bad habits she has, or any of her actions that lead to the very results she's complaining about. Yeah, none of this is news to me... It all started years ago and continued in a gradual but steady decline. At first, I tried to help, but the more I would push, she would push back.
At that time we were friends and because I wanted to help I took "my job" seriously putting in hundreds of hours on the clock in conversations with her. I was so committed that eventually, things got to the point where her poor life choices became a waste of my time and we weren't going anywhere. Then after a few years, I finally got the message and stopped. After that, we have grown apart, and thank God for that.
Now things are very different; We are friends from a distance. She does the same kind of things but more, and she is having the same kind of results but worse. It's painful to see so much wasted potential. For a second I am sad, I feel like a failure because I couldn't help her, but then I remember that not everyone can or wants to be helped. Some people just want to complain.
The high of complaining. For these people, even if it makes everything in their life worse, complaining is the drug of their choice. It's the high they seek in any interaction, especially when they are around other people. It gives them the very validation and the attention they need to feel justified and continue the behavior. Being however on the other side of the interaction, listening to them makes you think they're somehow feeling bad and that you should do something to help, anything.
If that's you, please stop; Don't waste your time! Complaining doesn't feel bad, it actually feels quite the opposite, it's what gives them their daily rush of energy. Don't believe me? Watch how much energy people put into complaining. If you would not hear the content of their speech you would say this person is really passionate about what they're saying. Imagine what would happen if they would put the same amount of energy into solving the very problems they are complaining about.
In a sick, twisted kind of way, It's what makes them "happy". But of course, it's not happiness based on progress and human development but based on self-pity and destruction.
The joy of progress. For other people such as myself, progress is what makes us happy. I'm writing this at 10 pm; This is me conquering myself for my own betterment. Doing this is not just what makes me happy but also what makes me better. Winning against my worst self always brings me joy.
Since I was a kid I knew that somehow life can always be improved if you would just put in the work. Later, as a grown-up, I realized that even if work is hard, expensive and sometimes downright painful, it serves as a down payment for the very change and results you want. You cannot have what you didn't pay for. And if you think cheating or stealing might be a way, think again; That's just delayed payment.
We choose different fuel sources. It's so interesting how everyone wants better but not everyone is willing to do better; Yes, that's even if you can clearly show them a direct link between the two. Why?
Because we settle for cheap feelings and we never get to question their source. This is why we stay in bad relationships, we eat the wrong foods, we make bad career choices. If it feels good or it tastes good, it must be good; Do you see the problem with this?
Progress feels great, complaining feels fantastic; There is no difference to the individual. The difference can be seen only in the results. But can it?
Do results matter? When it comes to results you might say hell yeah, results are undeniable. Right? Well yes, for an impartial observer one's results look very clear; Not just into what they are, but also how they came to be.
But here is the problem, people are not impartial observers in their own lives. Everyone is living their own story, tangled in a web of beliefs. And when seeing the truth could mean you might have to change something about yourself, or maybe that you were fundamentally wrong about something, the truth is not so "visible" anymore.
Can you handle the truth? We are wired for survival and so we prefer homeostasis because change is perceived as something fundamentally dangerous. We would rather choose to preserve our own self-identity, even if it's based on something false than to see the painful truth and risk the change.
But then if that's the case, why do some people still choose to see the truth(even when it's hard), put in the work, and change?
Well, it's very simple; Standards. Some people want to BE and actually BECOME better not just to feel good. They don't chase the cheap thrill, they want the real thing. And ultimately because they know this:
Truth, no matter how painful, will always make you better while falsehood no matter how pleasant will always make you worse.
Years ago I was in a bad place in my life but instead of complaining about the very situation I got myself into, I took responsibility and asked myself these questions:
- -you do know you can start changing things around any time you want, right? -
- did you have enough needless suffering? -
- are you ready to change?
- -when are you going to pick yourself up?
Thank God eventually I also responded to the same questions; Yep. Yep. Yes. Now!