During the past week, life has gifted me with yet another “present”, as I like to describe it. I’ve had many of these “presents” already. One thing I’ve noticed is that when it occurs, if I do not accept the “present”, there will be another similar one, bigger than the previous one left on my doorstep for me to trip over. This pattern will continue until I accept the “present”, open it, explore it, and fully integrate it.

WHAT HAPPENED?

A friend I’m very close to and have cared about for years has made a choice for themselves that has directly impacted me and potentially put me in danger. This is due to the nature of what they have decided to do to themselves. My opinion about my friend’s choice isn’t even relevant, nor is it any of my business. It is never my place to decide anything for anyone; I have no right to do so. As to whether I am in danger or not, and to what degree, remain to be seen at present. It is completely unknown and uncertain.

HURT

I’ve been sitting with what has transpired for a few days now. I’m processing and digesting it. I’m sorting through all the internal conflicts that have arisen due to this. Where are my boundaries now with this person? That’s one question in my mind. What matters above all else? That’s another question. A division is occurring within humanity, whether I like it or not. I’ve been watching this happen for several years. Now it’s exponential in speed.

Where my friend is concerned, I kind of saw this coming for some time, so I had a bit of insight beforehand. We discussed the topic many times in detail. I made it very clear what my own choices and concerns with regard to my life were. Even with that, I felt blindsided in the moment when I learned what had been done.

My friend said to me, “Don’t make it difficult for me to share things with you, and if you do, I will not tell you things”. That pretty much closed the door on my being able to express myself verbally. Sometimes people do this. When they do, it always causes some pain. The door to open, authentic communication and discussion gets brick walled.

SELF REFLECTION

Aside from how I feel about the choice my friend has made, I have to consider what I’m going to choose in relation to their choice because it impacts me also. This has brought home to me how little consideration each of us gives as to how our choices and actions will impact others. I was told about what my friend had chosen to do after the fact, which resulted in my being exposed to something I did not want to be exposed to. They knew this and yet chose to withhold information from me. Why? I don’t know the details, but I can make very good guesses as to why.

What is sticking with me the most about all of it, above any feelings I have regarding what my friend has done, is the fact that they have stripped me of my right to choose for myself. I wasn’t given that opportunity because they withheld information from me about their actions. I’m not happy about any of it to say the least. If it were possible to change one thing about this whole experience, I would say, “Give me back my right to choose for myself”. That’s impossible though.

NOW WHAT?

No going back in time to change the past. There is only now. I’m not finished processing this. It will take time, something I’m so very accustomed to, although it’s always a practice. Can I communicate with my friend about this further? I’m certain I can, although, it will be a negotiation, as it is with every relationship. A part of me has also returned to grieving the loss of something I will never have again.

LEWIS

Back to my question, “What really matters the most?” I have only one answer for that and where I’ve landed firmly.

OPEN HEARTED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

HEART DROP

All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron Macro lens.