Delaware

Let's get this out of the way real quick. I have never in my entire life met anyone from Delaware. As Pennsylvania boy, I recall being told that we were on the "right" side of the Mason-Dixon line which is the southern border of our state. Anything south of that may as well have been zombieland, after hearing about the relief of those born safely north of it. One could almost picture road signs saying "You're approaching the Mason-Dixon line! There's still time to turn back!"

I think Delaware was a complete accident. Somebody was drunk when drawing the map and left a spot blank. Not wanting to get in trouble, they said "fuck it, might as well make this little shit a state." Picture guys with shiny faces and rotund bellies stuffed with the crabs that they eat at least three times a day. It's shaped like a tallywacker as well, proving that a mapmaker with a dirty mind was behind its creation, which leads us to our next entry.

Maryland

Maryland, which rightfully belongs to Virginia, is just plain weird. They have like one city, Baltimore, with the rest consisting of a strip of land around some bay. I have relatives down there, and the whole state is filled with trees except for that tiny section where the state is like a half-mile wide.

Baltimore has some section known as the "Inner Harbor" which you are to avoid at all costs. Instead, head on out to the areas deeper into the inner city and meet some of the friendly people holding "get togethers" in dark alleys late at night. I promise you one helluva time!

They say the people never come out of their homes due to the stench of boiled crabs wafting in from their dodgy neighbors in Delaware. The sexual habits of the residents of Maryland reportedly involve leather harnesses, and you guessed it: CRABS! Just let that sink in for a moment... I think they have a lake monster down there, but I'm not sure. The place is flat as a pancake, which contrasts greatly with whats coming up.

West Virginia

This state is all fucking mountains from one end clear to the other. Parts of it are so remote, the people there have never even heard of the United States of America. They just know about their hidden little valley completely cut off from the rest of the world like an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Remember that one about the spooky kid who could read minds? If he didn't like what you were thinking, he could send you out to the cornfield forever, that was West Virginia. They have a shit-ton of Bigfoot tries and UFO sightings out there. The Aliens are smart enough to show up in the WV woods rather than land in Times Square, as they'd get their asses kicked in NYC. New York don't play like that.

Apparently, there was some war down there between the Hatfields and the McCoys which caused Virginia to kick them out. Many of them have been interbred with the Gray Aliens and produced hybrid children. The offspring look mostly human, but you can tell somethings not quite right. They're starting to infest the southwest corner of my state Pennsylvania, and we're seriously considering shipping their asses off to Area 51 for further study.

Now, we just ran our dirty little fingers across the sticky rim of the northern south. There's much more to explore as we survey this bog-filled region where horny country boys will mount just about anything with a greasy hole in it. If you're new to the area, you wanna keep a good headcount of your wives, daughters and be sure to plug up your dogs aperture as well. They didn't invent the term "cornholed" for nothing!

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