For some years now, I've been living my single life in peace.
However, that ended this year, and while it looks like I'm in a relationship, I still feel single as fuck.
Why I feel this way is not about my partner nor do I think she's not worth it, but rather the fear that comes with committing and submitting fully to one's partner.
When I was young, I heard that your first relationship is always the hardest to let go.
To me, I thought it's impossible as love would definitely find you again. But today I realize that its very true and even if love does find you again, It's left for you to accept love back into your life.
Presently, I still remember my first love, and I just feel I might never get to experience that kind of burning desire to commit to anyone again.
I don't know if it was the fact that we stuck together from secondary school days to university level or that we were together for too long, but ever since we split up, I have never asked any girl out ever since.
Even the ones who made their move and sent countless love gestures to me were rejected indirectly as I just see love as a lost cause due to how started to view intimate relationship after my first break up.
Ever since then, I started exploring single hood, going out alone and moving like a loner. Maybe I am indeed a loner.
Nonetheless, now that I eventually gave love a chance, it feels pale and tasteless because I might've been alone for too long that I just feel too comfortable with it.
My current partner has complained about this too and after hearing how many years I've been alone, she's shocked and still finds it hard to believe. But its the truth.
In short, it was around 3–4 years and even up until now I cant shake the feeling. Could it be that I'm scared to experience the pain again if i eventually gave in and get rugged or I'm just so in love with single hood?
I don't know the right answer right now, but I hope to find out which it is later and hopefully find a way to make the fire burn just like before. This is hurting to my partner right now, but this is the best I could give as my heart is not ready to commit deeply anymore since my first break - up experience.
THANKS FOR READING