Have you found yourself staring at the ceiling, wondering why you couldn't fall asleep?
Have you found yourself stressing about something that disrupted your sleeping schedule?
Or
Have you found yourself thinking about life problems that make you feel so powerless and this lead to your mind being fully awake but your body crying for sleep?
If so, then welcome to my blog!
Allow me to introduce myself in this manner.
Hi, I am Mariacurls! 👋
I am a fighter of my own fate. I have been dealing with my sickly body, and my low immune system would get me nowhere near sports, yet it led me to develop the habit of closing my eyes to push myself to sleep until dawn.
People would often ask, "Are you a night owl?"
I would respond, "No, I just couldn't sleep."
It should be addressed that being a night owl (evening person) and having insomnia are two different kinds of things.
Because let me share this with you.
One morning in the month of December,
Year 2020
My morning lark personality began to change as my body clock turned counterclockwise in a non-stop movement.
I was tired without any legal basis for my tiredness. It feels like I was suddenly struck by a light that made my body unable to produce more energy for the day. I was so tired to the point of making my eyes soaked with radiation coming from my phone. I filled my day with movies I find interesting and slept on my bed as if I had nothing to do for the day!
It wasn't my productive 14 hours, and never have I ever thought that it would change my life.
In the very evening of that same day, I had my imagination awakened. All of my senses seemed to be working that day. My body couldn't fall asleep. My eyes are forcing themselves to close the gap with the thought of being in the deep state of rest I needed that very late evening. However, that evening turned into dawn, and I still find myself staring at the ceiling, wondering what has happened. And this disrupted my day, the next day, and so on.
Who would have thought that in an instant my body clock would reverse the original?
In that moment, in my most ignorant day, symptoms have been appearing for the past few months, but I was too focused on gaslighting myself of the happiness that the lockdown would bring to me without taking into account how I have been inhaling negativity, absorbing stress, and eating without any means of stopping.
That habit slowly changed the system of my life. It slowly drags me to the cave I created in my mind that has grave consequences for my waking state.
However, I didn't notice that I had planted bad seeds in my garden because the reviews are just pure perfection.
Insomnia
Stress
Anxiety
Unmeasured food intake
They are the reason why I couldn't fall asleep like a child at night. They are the reason why I would watch the stars and talk to the moon. They are the reason for my inevitable tendency to be lazy every day.
I blame them for it, yet I cling to them.
The question is, why?
Why couldn't I let the burdens go?
Why couldn't I free myself from the cave of darkness?
The answer to that is because I blamed my body clock for changing, but in reality, it was me who didn't want to change at all. It was my choice to be lazy, but it wasn't my choice to have insomnia, stress, and anxiety, yet I attracted it because that is who I am. That is what I'm born of. I was tested to see if I was capable of fighting on the battlefield of life, but I was too weak and needed to hide. And continue that insomnia, anxiety, and stress.
Days have gone by, and I was not able to reset my body clock. So I had to live in this new setting. A journey of untold mysteries I wasn't expecting. Sometimes, I can sleep at 2 AM, and when I drink milk, I can sleep at 11 PM.
But I found a strange solution to my problem.
Reading
If I read, I fall asleep easily. If I study, my eyes become so sleepy that my body is in need of a bed.
But not all the time; I have the energy to read. So, I did some workouts and tried not to fall asleep under the sun's rays. But it backfired on me; I began to notice a change in my period cycle. My periods became late.
In the past, it wouldn't hurt if I had my period, but now, due to my irregular cycle, it would give me so much pain.
If this life is what I'm meant to endure, then I will gladly accept it. The one who wears the crown of life must bear the crown.
From this life to yours, may it be a lesson to never let a bad action become a habit.
Adiós!
-Mariacurls