I've been thinking a fair bit about social attitudes regarding motherhood and pregnancy and a conversation I had last night really surprised me. At my friend's birthday party, talk turned to a pregnant acquaintance (not present). Naturally. Everyone wanted to know what she would do.
[And before we move on, this is not a pro or against abortion post. While I'm against the way some (few) women seem to use it as a nifty back-up so that they can ignore traditional contraceptives, I consider myself pro-abortion. I think it's madness to ban it and I do think we can work out reasonable legal previsions that support women.]
It seems to me that women my age (and perhaps not only) have a very negative view of pregnancy. My friend was relating this acquaintance's distress and how she blamed her ex for "ruining her life". It shocked me how quickly the other women around the table agreed. It seemed I and my friend were the only ones who thought wait a second, it takes two to make a baby, so unless he forced her in some way, it wasn't this guy who'd "ruined" her life.
It ties into the infantilization of our younger generations - I see many people my age who are perfectly willing to shirk off any and every responsibility when things don't seem to go their way.
I thought okay, you might say that if this girl was 18 or 20. Still very young and immature. But when you're almost 25 as was this girl's case, it seems to me you should have a different level of responsibility and ownership regarding your own actions. That's something I've never been able to agree with regarding the abortion debate, how some women seem to think they're perfectly entitled to be careless about their contraceptive practices and then have abortion as a back-up "contraceptive". It's not how it works.
Again, I'm by no means against abortion. I just don't agree with the way it's breezily touted as just another contraceptive method by some activists or publications. It does not engender ownership or maturity in our society and without those, where the hell are we?
The "horror" of having a baby
Another part of the conversation that shocked me was how against the whole thing the other women there were. Alas, that's a mentality I've encountered in women of all ages and in increasing numbers as our modern egotistical society progresses.
The girls I talked to last night seemed horrified by the grave mistake of having a kid - why subject yourself to all those sleepless nights and deprive yourself of all the benefits of being a modern, career-oriented, self-centered woman?
Obviously, having a baby entails a great deal of compromise and sacrifice on some aspects of your life. Nevertheless, compromise that can prove greatly rewarding in the long term. We think "Oh but how will I be able to do this or that hedonistic, typically self-serving action"? You won't. So you tell yourself you're giving that up.
Many modern women fail to consider that maybe, when their baby is actually born, whatever fun little action, purchase, or (generally) minor career advancement won't seem like a loss at all. I imagine having a child is one of the greatest perspectival shifts one can go through.
The trouble with first-time motherhood seems to be (to me, at least) that we don't know what we're gaining by it and we live in a society that is quite vocal about all the things we're losing. So then, it's no surprise that so many women are horrified by the prospect of having kids.
I was surprised when one woman (a doctor, no less) breezily stated "Everyone does it. I think like probably 80% of women have one at some point". Eyes wide, I was like "An abortion? You think 80% of women have abortions?". She said "Sure. Everybody does it."
I looked up the numbers (for the U.S., cause who cares about Romania?) and it's like 1 in 4, so 25%. And that's with an apparent increase in them after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. What's interesting to me is, what kind of information are these women digesting that leads them to such overwhelming leaps like 80%?
To hear these girls talk, you'd think the natural progression is sexual intercourse, pregnancy, then abortion.
And to be fair, no wonder since a lot of our urban-centered modern societies hold little spaces for new mothers and offer almost no safety support net for women navigating this major transition. It always seemed to me that that part somehow falls off the spectrum for many of these women's rights activists. Okay, I deserve the choice, but what if I choose to have a baby? Why aren't you supporting me then? Where are all the efforts and money and campaigns about creating spaces and groups where new mothers can keep their sanity?
Between that fear of being alone and a society that tells you that everyone does it and that having a kid is a huge compromise, loss and mistake on your part, no wonder birth rates are going down.
Not that the declining birth rate is on any one woman's shoulders. Obviously. But maybe some of these women could benefit from a change in our dialogue. Maybe before you make a quick decision that "everyone makes" based solely on all the things you're giving up, you should take a detour to the other side somehow and see all the things you're gaining by having a kid.
I don't think there is one right choice to suit all women. There can't be. But I do think every woman in this position is entitled to (and in a sense responsible for) a truly informed choice.
