While I'm not a parent myself yet, it's something I've been considering quite a bit. Since so much of how we interact with the world is rooted in childhood, one can't go forward in this life without first assessing a bit what happened. I don't mean you need to dwell, but there are certain things we say, attitudes we hold, and even coping mechanisms we resort to we inherited or learned from our parents.
After spending quite a bit of time doing that, I have to say,
Somehow, a lot of young people seem to have got this idea that the fact that their parents tried their best wasn't good enough. I don't think all parents try their best. My dad didn't try at all. So I don't think you need to say "Oh, in the end, they're still your mum and dad" if they were cunts. But a lot of parents, you know, did try their best.
As I grow older myself and I approach a point in life where I hope to have children, it's becoming glaringly apparent to me that nobody gives you a handbook. Nobody tells you how. Were I to read only parenting books for the next few years, then have a kid, I'd be bound to still make a lot of mistakes. Even as I tried my best.
And it's challenging this view that seems quite popular in a lot of mental health dialogue that parents should be held accountable and pilloried for not knowing better. Or for doing what was considering good parenting in their generation. In a world that seems pretty intent on destroying the idea of family and alienating us from our roots, yeah, I'd say it's a safe bet this is an organized, concerted effort that's now telling young people to "go no-contact" with their parents because they weren't perfect. What these kids don't realize is the wealth of stability, of support, of community they are cutting themselves off from. And that's frightening.
They say you gain a different understanding of your folks when you become a parent. As I mature and approach (hopefully) that, I'm starting to see some truth there. It's very easy, after all, for us to now judge our parents harshly. Because not being parents ourselves, we hold a somewhat privileged position, that of only being victims. As you know, I don't like playing the victim.
So I've tried, in my effort to grow and put some potentially not good behaviors to rest, to asses and understand how certain events in my childhood shaped my attitudes. Without becoming hung up on them, without viewing my parents or my grandparents as evil or careless or mean or anything like that.
In this seeming race towards which one of us is the most fucked up, we seem to have foregone the value of kindness, of love, of being wanted, protected, cherished. Many parents do that in the way all people do - imperfectly. A little muddy, sometimes. A little weird. But that doesn't mean it wasn't there.
Again, it's not always the case. Not every parent tries. And I think it can be very harmful, trying to ascribe feelings to a parent who doesn't have them. I spent years hoping that somehow, in his way, my dad loved me. I don't think he did. I don't think he's capable of that, and while I have compassion for that as a human being, I have chosen to cut contact with him. It wasn't a light decision and I'm sure it will have its own repercussions, as I grow older. Which is precisely why I think that we should carefully consider, as children, and learn to distinguish between types of parents.
I know families in such situations. And it's heartbreaking because you know the parent loves the kids, and the kids choose to walk away because the parent couldn't love them in quite the way that kid might've needed or wanted.
There is a fine line between our projections and hopes of love and the reality of that love. When we're single or just begin dating someone, we tend to project a lot or fantasize about what coupled life will look like. And as we all know, it almost never looks like that. It can be worse thane expectation, but also so much better, but in different ways.
The difference is, the idealization and fantasy part is an individual task. Whereas a relationship, any relationship requires external input.
So what should a parent be equipped with? I've been wondering that. 'Cause I realize when my own time comes, I won't have it all. Not by a long shot. So I'm trying to boil down to basics. Figure out what I must have to at least hope to make a decent go of it.
I think a good parent has and inspires integrity. As I watch the world unfold, I realize what a treasure it is that @ladyrebecca raised me to be steadfast, to respect myself and what matters to me. To be proud of my name and my self, to know that I am someone worth something in this world. And that I have the strength to make my own way, to defend my freedom and my rights and to fight for my dreams.
I think a good parent is curious. Holds space for growth, both theirs and a child's. Curiosity, of course, can take many forms. It can mean a parent who reads, who sees documentaries, someone who's actively learning about the world they're in, not just existing on auto-pilot. As we grow older, more tired, and acquire more commitments, many of us forsake that curiosity and become cynical and automated. I think having that sort of parent teaches you to be a bored, interestless adult.
Finally, I think good parents need love. I know it seems obvious. Sorry, it's a true cliche. I think a child needs to be loved and know it is loved to have a chance to prosper and grow in this life. And I think love is at the soul of all other important elements in a parent-child relationship. A child needs to feel protected, safe, like someone's in charge and looking after them. Those come from love.
The rest? See as you go, I guess. Parenting is a lifetime deal once you get in. To assume you'll have every tool or quality that will require mapped out when you first have a kid is mad. But as long as you have good basic resources, I think there's room to build, and hopefully improve.
Oh, I think a good parent also listens to their kid, in order to grow with them. Even when it's scary. But I think that's bespoke to the curiosity and love parts. Again, I am lucky that @ladyrebecca listens. :)
As it happens, this week's Ladies of Hive question jived with some of my own thoughts on the matter, so here we are.
Parenting transcends mere stages in life; it represents a profound designation entailing the monumental responsibility of instilling high moral values and shaping the succeeding generation for a prosperous future. In this regard, what do you consider to be the three most pivotal qualities or traits that parents must possess in order to effectively fulfill this vital task?
What do you think?
