Anxiety Disorder: Cleaning and The self-talk

Some of us might have been in the situation when we despise housework and consider it to be a tedious chore. We despise cleaning to the point that our room is cluttered, our clothing are spread out, and our books are strewn about every nook and cranny.

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I had this mental condition called "Anxiety disorder" a few years ago, and cleaning is one of the things that helped me heal faster than usual.
My room was disorganized and dirty at the time, and the mess greatly disrupted my life. It was difficult for me to concentrate, learn, and live a full life. I, on the other hand, made the decision not to change. I spent the entire day in a room with very little light and fresh air. Don't get me wrong: I had windows, but I never opened them. This was due to a number of factors: anxiety and despair sessions during the day made me fearful of literally everything outside the room.


Until the symptoms were so severe that I couldn't go to work and felt tempted to kill myself. Panic swept through me. My father told me that I needed to clean up the house and organize my room. Of course, in order to cure my mental illness which seven doctor visits couldn't help me much, I surrounded myself with a range of good things, and cleaning was one of the things I kept pushing myself to accomplish. Well, I also share some of the self-talks. They might be funny and weird but we all have a weird inner world, don't we? LOL


The self-talk:

Me: I just wanna kill myself. I am so scared. I can't let life go on like this
Also me: I'd want to point out that before you die, you can genuinely assist your parents in cleaning the house (which I rarely did before because I always excused my busy work from it).
Me: But I don't want to do it. I can't even raise my arms because I'm exhausted. I just want to bury myself in this place. That is all there is to it!
Also me, again: Are you sure you're serious? What if you might be loved again if you did nothing but kindness to others, treat them well, and die when you are fresh, clean, fragrant, and well-organized? That would be preferable to dying in a filthy location with a stinky body.
Me: I am ill, extremely ill and you don't know what I'd had to confront so far. I am so terrified. :(
Also me: Alright, even you don't want to, I am calling upon you to get up and clean up right now.


As a result, I took my own counsel. Regardless of how weary or terrified I was, I got up. I told myself that I would not be defeated by how I felt. Even if I didn't feel like it, I would go do stuff. I've got to win.
Once the anxiety waves hit me and practically knocked me out, I'd just have a discussion and be grateful that I was always the victor. "I'll still do it till I pass out," I promised myself, "I'll still clean the house as if this is my last day to be with my beloved folks and help them out."


The self-talk

While I am cleaning the house
Me: Please help me! I'm trembling. I'm terrified. What's going on?
Also me: Be courageous, nothing is going to kill you. Carry on with the laundry. Continue doing it until you really can't.


As a result, I continued to do what I was meant to do.
By continuing to do so, I began to educate my brain to believe in my actions rather than my feelings.

A little shift in my mood...

Day after day, I began to notice how content and happy I become when I looked at clean surroundings. I started reading about minimalism, Japanese cleaning techniques, and so forth. I began to believe that I am a useful "employee" (Housework is a job :P).


Despite parents had to take care of me, I was the one who constantly convinced myself that wanted to take care of them.

The Self-talk:

Me: It's on its way. It is returning to me (The anxiety waves)
Also me: don't worry, everything will turn out OK. You are great, healthy, and capable of working despite how you feel. It just comes and goes, as usual. Simply take a deep breath and relax. It's only feelings, and they're only in your head. They aren't going to hurt you.
Me: Okay, all right. I'm taking a breath. I have faith in you. Just live each day as though it were the last!


Getting better

As a result, I have gradually recovered. I'm still cleaning things up with delight and enthusiasm now. I began to include things into my life, such as karaoke, playing with children, hanging out with the girls, cooking for the entire family, and even working part-time (which I didn't think I could do again)


Well, it's not the end.

The self-talk

Me: OMG It occurs to me once more. I don't want to squander what I've accomplished so far. I don't want to return to those dreadful times.
Me also: Ok Ok wait a second. It's just going to get better. Imagine a life where you and your family get to do amazing things together. Your future is going to be the most amazing thing you've ever seen. You'll be there, believe me.
Me: But it's hitting me again.
Me also: keep in mind that it comes and goes. It'll be OK; you'll be fine. And they're only your feelings that aren't always accurate.
Me: Alright.


And,...

I've experienced many "last days" in my life. For years, I've simply done the cleaning. And I'm pleased I did it in the first place.
I am really grateful for what I have right now. Thank you for bringing me here, to a place where I may write and convey the positivity to others!


Final words

These inner talks are so real. I'm sharing because I'm hoping that by doing so, I'll be able to assist to break down the stigma for those who are still struggling and will begin gain back the hope of recovery!
So here's my advice: "Don't worry, things will work out on their own with time; you will just have to secure some time for your positive self talk and physical work"!
Thank you for taking the time to read my post!

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