I have realized that I'm writing more and more about my coach training and in a way, I still feel a bit reluctant to do so. I have been thinking 'why'? The answer I have got so far is that I'm not really ready yet, I haven't found my voice, I don't know what my niche will be (even though I actually have a pretty clear sense of that). But I don't beat myself up. It's a process. My training is a year-long intensive training, the whole summer I have worked so hard to develop my coaching skills and I celebrate myself for that. We are around 300 women in the program and I know far from everyone was ready to take this step, many women in the program haven't started to coach yet. And I faced my fear and have shown up every single week for my sessions even at times when I have felt so much resistance I wanted to hide somewhere. And I think I really need to acknowledge this part of me. It's fear. For some reason, it's so hard for me to admit that. That I feel fear. Fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of giving up, fear of facing myself and all of my imperfections. Because everything is there, all the time.
This program is without any doubt the biggest challenge I have ever faced. And I knew this beforehand, that it would be. In fact, when I signed up, now almost a year ago, I didn't even want to think about the fact that I would actually start to practice to coach. Especially not around sex, love, and relationships. But for a long time, I have felt a passion for this, people used to tell me that my eyes lit up and started glowing when I started talking about these topics and how needed this work is in the world. So you can say I had a calling, even if it was more in a subtle way. But I think that's just my personality, I'm not much of a grand gesture person.
And since I'm a good student I'm on track with the program. I have completed every module since January when the program started. I just do it. But since this is such an embodied training I'm also learning more and more about the importance of resourcing. When it's actually time to stop pushing and when you are outside of your 'window of tolerance'. It's all about balance and sometimes my so-called 'connection sister' in the program (she is one of my supervisors) has told me maybe I'm just pushing myself too much. I'm still learning.
Leaning into my fear
And that's actually the topic I wanted to write about today. At the moment we are practicing the coaching tools and practices on each other. You find someone else in the program and you have a coaching exchange. After each session, you give each other feedback. And this week I experienced my first setback. The feedback I got really threw me off my balance. They said I didn't feel confident (at least not all of the time). At first, my impulse was just to bury this feedback deep down somewhere and never face it. But I also know I have made a much bigger thing out of it than what they meant. That's usually how people receive 'opportunity feedback', as we call it in the program.
Of course, I'm not feeling confident all the time. Each week we are learning new tools and it's the first time I practice them in these sessions. I don't even fully understand them all the time, I haven't embodied them yet. And that's also the reason we are practicing on each other before we start to practice on outside clients. So I know I have nothing to worry about. But I felt so bad. It really triggered something deep inside of me. Because I really want to be this person who always feels confident, or appears confident even though he isn't (sorry but that's usually a he). I'm not like that. My insecurity shows, usually in my voice. It trails off, I use filling words, I hesitate, etc. And since we are recording these session I watch myself afterward. I can see it myself. And I don't like what I see but I'm also really holding myself with so much compassion for putting myself out there and for being with this discomfort and fear.
As my amazing teacher Layla Martin says:
You will get what you are willing to be profoundly uncomfortable for. It's about learning to live with a certain amount of fear in your nervous system.
Building my self-confidence knowing it'll come with experience
But I actually think this setback had perfect timing. Last night I was thinking 'what can I actually do to build my self-confidence?' (Self-confidence is more relevant for me right now than self-esteem, self-esteem we are working on all the time in the program). One thing I know is that confidence will come with practice, I'm still learning.
I remember when I just had started working at the Ministry of Finance in Sweden and was called to the politicians for a briefing, everyone else on holiday, knowing they would absolutely eat me alive. I wanted to say I was sick and just leave. But I didn't. And yes, they did eat me alive, I still remember this. It's a tough environment for sure. But with time I did it more and more (that was my job) and after some time I went in there knowing I could face anything they threw at me. Because I had mastered my skill. And they listened, with respect.
So I remind myself of this, that I'm used to taking on big challenges and facing my fear. I'm just starting out in a completely new field, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Some women in this program have worked as coaches for many years already. It doesn't help to compare myself to them. I know I can learn to be good at this.
I'm also leaning in and trying to embrace failure. This is so hard for me. But learning to fail is part of evolving and reaching your goals. And writing about it here is also part of the embracing and accepting.
Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.
ā Oprah Winfrey
But I actually want to do more, I searched for books on the topic and I'll start to read more about building self-confidence. Because confidence will help me to shine and I want to shine. I know have a special gift to share, just like everyone else, and I don't want my insecurities to get in the way.
You are the only person on earth who can use your ability.
ā Zig Ziglar
Thanks for reading š
Love and blessings to you all š
(Photos are my own).
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