It is sad that it has come to this...to me feeling that what I am doing is somewhat damning my soul but I think it is only fair for me to say my truth here where people might understand how I feel.
Lately I've been feeling guilt akin to nothing I have felt before. Not when I stole milk from the refrigerator as a child, not when I had to save my skin in the classroom...none of that!
I work as a PR manager and honestly most people know certain aspects of the job. Most people have been blinded by the Hollywood Rom-Com or the Basketball movies where a PR agent has to holistically fight to revive the image of an erring sportsman and we never seem to think too much except that the agent did a good job. Sighs
It is much worse than that, I think.
People often say lying goes with the job and I've been in the field for almost a decade and never felt anything like what I’ve been feeling lately. Most don’t call it lying, instead they call it protecting your client or at most “a little white lie”. I hate that phrase.
I'm sure most of you know lawyers lie a lot but hide behind the confidentiality clause of the profession. They’d get disbarred if they err. Doctor-Patient confidentiality could be tweaked a little to encompass bits and pieces of a lie and priests could even take a confession of a serial killer and will not say anything because he isn't suppose to, I think. So why do I feel this way, its only my job.
Like I said I've worked in PR for almost a decade. I've worked for companies, for NGOs, for even an athlete but my current employer is the worse, the Government!
Just imagine the spins I've had to make simply because I have to eke out a living. Can you imagine it? Overspending, misdemeanors, propagandas and worse, much worse. How much I have had to go against my morals just to plug up a potential scandal. Most times I feel like apologizing and other times like outing every one of their dirty little secrets...our dirty little secrets.
Most times I admire the strength of certain whistleblowers. Having to brave the loss of everything. I'm sure you are aware that I might have to pay the ultimate price if I suddenly become strong enough to divulge certain scandals. Not prison, or shaming or loss of financial privileges but the ultimate price.
I need strength. Strength to make up my mind and strength to live with the consequences or die by the consequences.
God help me.
Yours almost sincerely,
Anonymous.