Yesterday, it was my one month anniversary since I've been on this trip of mine, and though it came and went with no great ceremony, it did prompt me to think back on the past month. While it doesn't seem like a lot, time just flies differently when you're traveling. Faster, certainly. It definitely doesn't feel like a month has gone by. Though oddly enough, at the same time, it feels like so much longer. Like every day has expanded and now feels like three.
Going past some of the places here in Zadar, I feel like I've passed them by hundreds of times, like I've been here a lifetime. But all that's coming to a close now, as I am leaving on Friday, heading for... I don't know if greener pastures, but probably some fun adventures.
Anyway, that's in the future, and I'm trying to talk about the past. The first couple of weeks, I was really torn. See, I'm very close to my family, I like my home very much, and I guess I was feeling kinda lonely. Every day, I kept thinking what an immense amount of time I've got left of my trip, and whether it might be better to just turn back now. Every day, I was putting myself under so much pressure. Because a big part of my going away was, like most young people, to "figure myself out" and to find answers, and myself, and whatever. And when I got here, it was like this race had begun, to see how quick I could figure myself out. Like a puzzle with a timer.
Am I happy?
Is this for the best?
Should I go back?
Was this a mistake?
Does everyone think I'm a phony?
On and on, the questions went. Naturally, I was feeling miserable whenever I thought about it, and I figured it was the being abroad part that was bothering me, Turns out, it wasn't. I was lucky enough to stumble on an episode from Jordan Peterson's podcast, when I needed it most, as it were. And there was a particular fragment that resonated with me, in which he talked about modern-day children, and how there's this excessive focus on how they're feeling, on self-evaluation, and how that's actually detrimental for the psyche.
Although we're encouraged to think the opposite, that self-reflection makes you happy, his idea was that this excessive narcissism only makes us more neurotic. And looking at my own mindset, I figured he must have something right.
So I forced myself to stop.
I don't know how, exactly, because I don't think you can just switch thoughts off. But I kinda did. I just said, okay, I'll stop thinking this shit. It's out of my hands. So I stopped focusing on all the me-me-me questions like am I happy, does my life have purpose, should I turn back, etc., and just resolved to live, and see what happened.
Initially, I told myself I'd revisit the subject after a month. That way, it wasn't like I was "giving it up for good". Though now that a month has passed, more or less, I find myself reluctant to do that. Because I've been so much happier and at peace ever since I quit focusing on myself so excessively. Not to mention, I've been ten times more productive, and have gotten so much done that I liked. I liked the stories I wrote during this time. I liked my work. I liked the books I read. Because everything was veiled in my narcissism, and once I stopped putting so much pressure on myself, not only did I find myself lighter, but also happier and more content.
Much of our current self-help literature tells you the key to a good life is to keep asking yourself these questions, to always be on the introspective. Maybe. I do think it's important to pay mind to how you're feeling, what's bothering you, your gut instinct, and so on.
But not all the time. Everything is bad when you go to extremes. And it's not like if you really focus on your own feelings, you're gonna achieve some sort of nirvana. No, you're just gonna make yourself miserable.
So I've been going by feel. What feels right? That. Okay, so that's what I do. I worked to curb the excessive need to blow things out of proportion - is doing that right? should I? - and just did. So far, it seems to be a much happier MO than continuously obsessing on who you are and what you want and feel.
I figure a lot of the misery of the 21st century is that we're taking the wrong approach to this whole "figuring yourself out" spiel. We expect it to be linear, to have a clear-cut solution. Like a math problem. Like, if I really focus on this one, I'm bound to crack it. Except I think our psyche is more like a turtle. The more you stare at it, the deeper back it recedes into its shell. And then you can't figure out why you're miserable, and make yourself even more miserable.
Anyway, I don't know if that's a good idea or not, it's still in its incipience for me. But it's definitely worth pursuing.
So how's your September been?
