I have long held to the concept of measuring my life in depth rather than length - A long, but ignominious, life seems decidedly unappealing and, due to happenings along the way in my life, various challenges and opportunities, events both beautiful and catastrophic, I quickly understood my desire to bring depth to my life. It's a desire that I nurtured day to day both in my mind with thoughts and attitudes and physically through my actions. The result has been a life with few boundaries and limitations in respect of fulfilment, enjoyment and contentment.
Yesterday something came to pass that has left me contemplating the depth of life I have shared with another person. This person has been with me since the very beginning and has helped shape and guide me through life in the best way she knew how, even despite the momentous challenges she, herself, faced. I rely on her, being there, and even though she's not with me every moment physically, she is always with me emotionally and that touch, the lifetime spent with her, has brought me depth of life.
I don't know exactly when, the doctors won't say, however in the not too-distant future she'll be gone. It is too early.
She will shortly begin a course of chemotherapy that will endure until the end of her life, or until she decides to cease it. The last almost ended her life and this new treatment will have adverse effects, the loss of hair, of freedom, some physical pain and suffering, and all the while she'll know the end result will be the same no matter what. It breaks my heart.
I spoke with my man about depth of life yesterday and, as always, he provided great value. We spoke about the past, present and future, and how the latter will look, feel and be so different for me. We spoke about quality of life, of it burning brightly and the fact that the highest of flames will inevitably become an ember - It is the way of things. I cried a lot, that tends to be a constant in my life right now and, as he always does, he sat quietly throughout, offered strength through his closeness, and perspective with a well-placed word here or there.
Since my father passed away when I was eleven, after a long battle with cancer, I've been different. It was a terrible time for me. I wrote a little about it here, some time ago. I was young, had been through a tragic set of circumstances and it was my mother to whom I turned. We've been close of course, and I relied upon her; in truth we relied upon each other though. Looking back over those years I see a life of depth she helped shape and it is because of her influences I was to become the woman I am, and to lead the life I have - a deep and meaningful life - that, whilst not perfect, has been fulfilling.
This scenario, yesterday's terrible news, wasn't a surprise in itself, we knew it was coming at some stage, however the shock of hearing the words out loud, that an operation is not an option and that the chemotherapy treatment is palliative, came as an emotional shock. I'm still absorbing it and, in the process, have contemplated life; my own and others.
As humans, we are either alive or dead and, because no one knows what it's like to be the latter it makes sense to focus on the former. On life.
Today I'll be speaking with my mother, listening to her thoughts and looking to the future. We will talk about depth of life and how we can find that in the days and months time to come. She's pragmatic, a learned condition due to the adversity she's faced, and I believe that has helped her through the last four years despite the difficulties. That is not to say it's been easy; however, it's made the process a little easier to work with.
Considering the experiences of the very few people I allow around me, I believe I understand what it takes to positively deal with adversity; I've done so myself. I also understand death and what a person must do to face it down, and to stand up to it. We're all different though, we deal and cope with mortality differently. However, at the same time, we're all exactly the same in that we're alive and that brings the opportunity to chase after life a little, to find fulfilment and enjoyment and a depth of life we can look back over with a degree of contentment.
Becca 💗