Hey there my love, coming to another blank digital text page feels like home tonight. A place where I can just be, knowing you’ll be there on the other side, and if I’m to believe that time is relative, it’s kinda like you’re there right now right?
I wasn’t planning on writing, I’ve been in bed since we said goodnight, skipped dinner, and just chilled with some Netflix, until I had had enough of feeling down, and decided that tomorrow is going to come wether or not I’m ready for it, so I better start doing the little things that make my mornings easier. A little tidy, and a migration of cardboard to the basement made me feel even better.
I got back to bed, with a notepad and a pen, put on some meditation music and just…. wrote. And wrote, and cried a little, and every time I wanted to back off, and shy away from feeling, I just forced myself to sit with it. The way we do in yoga, we sit, and say YUP this is uncomfortable, and breathe. And say yes. Yes it’s ok to feel sad even when you don’t know why, yes it’s ok to be tired and uninspired. Yes it’s ok to feel like you’re failing.
Running and busy-ing myself away from those feelings doesn’t work and leaves me tired and stressed and feeling even more like I’m “behind”. You know I’ve always struggled feeling like I’m behind some imaginary benchmark. One if the kindest things you ever say to me is when you remind me that I have time…
I can do the usual thing, and chock it all up to, a vitamin deficiency, or tiredness, monthly hormones, the people and spaces around me, my spacial energy empath things, but the cause doesn’t matter. And maybe it’s a little of everything. What matters is, no matter the cause, beating myself up about it is not only unhelpful, it’s mean. I’ve been a bully to myself.
After I cleared down the cardboard, I took a damp rag and erased my whiteboard. I’m done counting benchmarks for awhile, I’m done setting daily tasks, and monthly goals, and tracking every ounce of water I drink.
I’ll drink when I’m thirsty, and sleep when I’m tired and when my body says “hey I need some movement” I’ll listen. My only promise I’m making to myself is to get 10 minutes of fresh air/sunshine every day.
There’s 3 things written on my board now: A reminder about the fresh air mentioned above, “What can I give myself today?” And “I love you Dayle”.
That’s enough. That’s got to be enough.
And it’s going to change, and evolve and that will be ok too.
So thank you for listening, thank you for putting up with a more than usually emotional Dayle, thank you for being there when I’m tired and frustrated and don’t know why I’m tired and frustrated.
Thank you for always having a film, and always making spaces for us to be together, physically and digitally.
You’re so much of what get’s me out of bed in the morning. So much of what I have to be thankful for. So thank you in every way I can imagine. Not only for what you do but for who you are and always have been mouse.
Goodmorning and Happy Saturday My Love,
<3 Your Dot.
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