"DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"I hate you! I hate you!"
In my young mind, I am whispering these words while looking at her. I am trying so hard not to say it loudly, but my mouth is aching to say it. Still, I couldn't do it. I don't want to receive any punishment because I am afraid. So hating them in my head is the best thing to do. Either say it loudly, or I will receive a hard slap from her. I really hate her!
I have the choice to leave and go back to my biological parents, but I can't. This family is my stepping stone for me to reach the top and get out of this situation. I have a dream, and I want to make it happen. Scratch that! I will make it happen! Their hurtful words mean nothing as long as I can go to the top. I can endure it all for my dreams.
"You are not allowed to go anywhere. You stay here, and that's an order. "
Even though I was like a prisoner, where freedom is just a dream. It is attainable, but for me, who has no power to do so, I will need a lot of courage to defy her. I feel like I am living in hell, where every move I make will receive harsh words from her. My feelings are unnecessary and I don't have the right to whine. Because I am nothing.
Her words marked in my head that whenever I have to tell her something, I am on guard. My tears might show, and that is a reason for her to give me teaching, like she is the God of the world and I am the disciple, but without a choice but to follow. The feelings of hate grow stronger toward her, and so I make a promise to myself. "I will make my dream come true and leave this hell!"
I let my hatred for her grow stronger. I resented her, but in silence. I still need her, so I shouldn't show it to her. I just continue to live with it until I already achieve one of my goals, which is to finish college. I thought, "Finally! Finally!" with a happy heart and full of excitement. I can finally leave that house and go to a separate place with her.
But then, I didn't notice it. that the resentment I had toward her is already long gone. It was covered with the happiness I felt when I finally finished college. And that resentment turns into gratitude instead of hatred. In my head, if not for what she did, I will never get here. I will never achieve this victory, and I would never ever dream of it.
"So long, my resentment; I don't need you anymore! But, thank you!"
Resentment is an ugly feeling that, when you finally fill the void in your heart that was missing before, through vengeance or any means to ease that feeling, whether it is a good or bad act, you will feel satisfaction in it. You will feel happy that you finally got there. This is it—the long-awaited and final act you want to do.
But before you go on, ask yourself first if that will really make you happy. I know there are people who don't deserve forgiveness, but do it for yourself and not for them. Think of what peace of mind will do to you if you ever erase all of the resentment or any negative feelings you have in your heart. Will it give you a real happiness? or a pain?
As for me, I was fortunate that instead of going to the bad side, I chose the good side. I forget all of my hatred for her and turn it into gratefulness. Nothing good will come if I dwell on it. It will just make me very sad and make me cry inside while suffering. In the end, that resentment leds me to the right path. Awesome right? Hehe.
This is my entry for this month's theme: Resentment in the Emotions & Feelings Community. You can also join by tapping the blue link above. Read the rules and write on.