I've been carrying a weight on my chest for far too long, and today, I need to let it out
So it started back in 2021 I started pursuing MBA and as I was 1-2 months into the course I made a lot of friends and in that friend circle there was a girl (let's call her U) ,she had a wheatish tone and was a bit chubby.
We started hanging out together and we used to enjoy each other's company one day while walking up the stairs towards the lecture hall her jeans got stuck in a protruding nail resulting in a tear , so I handed her over my jacket so as to hide the tear and then she decided to go to her flat which was 4-5 furlongs away from the University, even I accompanied her to her flat.
As she changed inside her room I waited patiently outside in the hall and later she came outside we sat for a while and chatted, as we were enjoying eachother's company things heated up a bit and we ended up kissing each other soon the kiss ensued into a proper make out lol and later as we were about to leave for the university she went into her room to grab my jacket , even I went into her room and there I saw a couple of photo frames and in one frame there was a guy kissing her I immediately asked her who the guy was and she said that it was her "boyfriend" I was totally appalled hearing that as I always had this impression of her being single because that's how she used to act. On further talking about the guy she told me that she was no longer interested in the guy and was just waiting for the right time to leave him . Hearing that I felt a bit guilt free and then we continued "our" thing for the next 3-4 months . One day I felt a bit betrayed as she was still in touch with the guy so I confronted her , we argued and I ended up blocking her from everywhere.
A month passed by I didn't contact her at all and then one morning another friend of mine called me up and the first thing she asked me was if I had read U's text on the groupchat , which I hadn't, so I immediately turned on the wifi to check the text there I saw the text which said - "guys my boyfriend passed away" reading that text I was flabbergasted and leaving all the differences behind I called her up to console her , she was crying her heart out , I gave my best to calm her up.
As the guy belonged to an influential family the news of his demise got published in the newspaper as well , there under the headline it was mentioned that the guy was supposed to get married a month later (ofcourse to U) , my friends and I (especially I) , we all were shocked as she never told us about it plus the things she told me were completely different.The next few months I couldn't sleep properly I was filled up with a lot of guilt and I don't know why but I kind of took all the blame on myself as if "I killed the guy" .
Haunted by the weight of my actions, I distanced myself from U, seeking solace in a fresh start. But even as I tried to move on, the guilt followed me like a shadow, a constant reminder of the pain I had caused.
Soon as I started hanging out with new friends my mental health improved and I finally got over the guilt.
After 5-6 months I met another girl (let's call her S) she had a wheatish tone and short hair , something I found really attractive lmao.
The day we talked for the first time we clicked , and I enjoyed her company more than I had ever enjoyed anyone else's plus the feeling was mutual.
So we started hanging out and then after a few days randomly I asked her about a guy who used to comment on her pictures , she told me that it was her boyfriend, trust me the level of disappointment I felt that day was unparalleled.
So I decided to just stay "friends with her" , we continued hanging out and one evening as we were enjoying the sunset we ended up kissing (I know I shouldn't have but I did) trust me the emotions were so strong that I at that moment I completely forgot about the fact that she had a boyfriend. With each passing day ourhunger increased and we kept on satiating it , eventually I became quite callous not giving two whoops in hades about her boyfriend.
Time to time I used to remind her about the guy and how we both were doing wrong , everytime she used to talk me out of the guilt using her feminine wiles ( something she was very good at) eventually even I accepted it and stopped caring about the guy as the guy lived 500 kms away .
8-9 months passed we were having a good time together and then on 27th September 2023 in the morning she called me up to say 'good morning ' ,she used to do it everyday, after that she went ahead to tell me that her boyfriend met with an accident the moment I heard that my heart literally skipped a beat however she told me that he was fine and was in a state to talk , hearing that I felt a bit better and actually prayed to god for his speedy recovery. After an hour she again phoned me up initially I didn't answer as I was busy but the second time when she did I answered the call and this time she was crying, I was a bit confused ( by this time I had even stopped thinking about the guy) and then she went ahead to tell me that her boyfriend was no more. Trust me even writing about these things is making it hard for me to breath , the guilt I have in my heart is just unparalleled. Everyday on waking up the guilt swirls around my heart . I feel like the time when those two souls were on this earth I kind of stole away the things that were dear to them and the love that they deserved from their partners they couldn't get that because of me .
I wish I could say I have all the answers, that I know how to make things right. But the truth is, I'm just a flawed human, trying to navigate a world filled with pain and regret. All I can do is carry on, hoping that someday, I'll find a way to forgive myself.
Sometimes the thought of their passing away because of me also sweeps in maybe I am the problem maybe I have some bad vibes attached to myself . The fact that kills me everyday is that I would have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life .
What are your thoughts? Am I a bad person?
Was it all my fault?