So... I wanted to avoid doing any rants, especially on places like this blog, because it's not really how I want to do things. But in this situation... it really just seemed appropriate, for a number of reasons.
And I just have words that need to get out...
Hopefully at least some of the reasons why will become apparent further in.
Okay, so for way-too-long now, I've been dealing with a certain said of symptoms, on-and-off, and/or to varying degrees: Chest discomfort/pain/heat, especially when exerting myself to some degree or another; occasional, light nausea, and maybe vomiting in my mouth a bit; pain in the neck and/or jaw (and sometimes tongue) that feels kind of like a swelling sensation... and others, but those seem to be some of the most common ones.
These symptoms can mean things like heart disease... or anxiety. There's an awful lot of overlap. About the only way to know for sure is to get examined by a professional.
Only thing is, I'm not really in a situation where I can readily get myself examined - as much as I hate falling back on it, getting Medicaid is not being easy (beurocrasy 🙄) - and my parents, so far, have been refusing to help me...
...because they assume it's just anxiety. 😒 That it's impossible because, while heart issues do run in the family, I'm supposedly too young for it. That I should theoretically be safe from heart issues because my body naturally produces estrogen. (Except based on some things I've heard, I think it's possible I technically have a deficiency... but I'm not sure I wanna run the reason why past these two. 😂)
...They also don't want to for money reasons, even though I'm pretty sure it's perfectly affordable for them. 😣 The only reason they don't have much savings ATM is because they decided to have the basement refurbished... after I first brought up my symptoms. 🙄
Well anyhow... I've had anxiety for years. I know what it feels like for me, including its symptoms. This does NOT feel like symptoms of anxiety to me. And not only that, but I'm not sure the symptoms are getting any better.
If anything, they're getting worse.
So here I am, just trying to reach out for help where I can, but so far, it seems that people who can help are generally unwilling to, and people willing to help are either not really in a position to do so, or possibly do not understand what it is that I'm asking for. (I'm not getting into details on that last one...) Nothing seems to be working.
And I'm just wondering if I should just call hecking 9-1-1, or otherwise try and get myself to an ER or something (I'd have to use a bus...) and see if they'll sign me up for Medicaid for at least the sake of an initial exam. (I hear that's a thing?)
But with all the attempts thoughout my life where I've tried to reach out to others and either not gotten a responce or even been attacked for it, it's getting harder and harder to hold onto the idea that anything where I'll need help from others to do it - ESPECIALLY anything critical - is generally going to go badly, or at best, not have any real effect.
Because I can't decide what other people do.
I can ask. I can try to persuade. I can attempt to negotiate... but I cannot make the decision for them.
If anything, it seems like the more I try to employ all the negotiation skills and stuff I've tried to study on-and-off for over half my life (or attempt to persuade and stuff in general), the worse the outcome tends to be. 🤔 Got me in kind of a paradox or something: I can't have any changes happen if I don't say anything, but if I do say anything, it's usually worse.
So I'm wondering... what exactly is the lesson here supposed to be? Don't attempt to do anything to make things better because you don't have the power to do so??
...Well, that certainly seems to be what my brain and heart are getting out of it. (I've learned enough about psychology and whatnot to know the brain is wired to discourage you from doing things that haven't worked in the past... in an attempt to prevent you from wasting time, effort, energy, etc.)
And just... even thinking about the idea can get me very, VERY depressed. I want to try and do something, but every action I take seems to result in being told that it's pointless to try and do anything.
And so - as psychology says is the likely result - I just find myself discouraged, struggling to find the energy to do much more than play games, read comics, and maybe watch TV or something.
But yeah, literally, earlier today, I was cooking myself up some dinner, contemplating how over the past few days, I'd had more chest pain than usuall, and even when it subsided (which always appears to be temporary...), I'd find myself getting kinda winded over things I didn't used to, and even sweating - warm sweat, not cold - when I have a history tending not to sweat very much. And all the depression, anxiety and discouragement are just compounding...
And I'm trying to think of what to do, but struggling to find the courage and/or motivation to do anything... And worrying that my heart might give out before I get to really do anything - whether related to my heart, or a number of other goals, dreams, etc...
...and I've also been struggling with suicidal ideation, so it's also all compounding with that, and I sometimes find myself wondering if it would be nicer to just find... permanent release from all this stuff. ðŸ˜
And call me crazy, but since I was little, I'd get feelings about wanting - or maybe needing - to "teach the world" (those are the words that came to me) and make a large, positive impact. And whatever others might believe the case might be - or heck, regardless of what the case might actually be - I want to at least be able to be honest about the fact that I at least experience feelings like this... regardless of what the reason for them may be, I want to acknowledge that they exist and that they happen.
But after trying to get momentum going and struggling to get anything (especially with my lack of energy?), I'm actually finding myself struggling with finding, or holding onto, a reason to keep trying to do that. I'm finding myself ready to just plain let the world burn in a massive fire or something, because I'm finding it's hard to care for the rest of the world when I'm not even sure I'm in a situation where I'd be able to care for myself... and I'm struggling with the idea of whether I even want to...
...that said, there's no actual door between the kitchen and the central area of the house, my hearing is sensitive, and the walls aren't that solid anyhow. So as I often do, I overhear mom and dad ranting about their usual things, seemingly not caring about if they're overheard, or who might overhear them.
In this case, LGBT+ related stuff...
'...and they want us to call them by these other pronouns, and I'm just like "Why don't we just call all of them 'it' or something?" '
'Or how about we just not call them at all? Because they're just not worthy of being addressed?'
...And I'm just like thank you so much mom and dad for reminding me of one of the reasons why I want to keep living, because that right there is an extremely good example of one of the very things that I want to try and STOP!! (Or at least greatly reduce... because hey, people have agency, and I doubt we could get everybody, but every bit counts...)
Because while I might not agree with a lot of LGBT+ stuff, one thing that I absolutely do not approve of, regardless of one's general beliefs, is the idea that others are not worthy of being considered or recognised as people because of XYZ reasons you (dis)agree with!! 😫
...And to me, that's because one idea that's always been precious to me - that I consider an integral part of the very religion that mom and dad raised me in - is that everyone, literally EVERYONE in this world, is a child of God...
...and thus, has a spark of divinity that has inherent, unchangable, ETERNAL value. (We don't normally phrase it as "divinity," but it seems inferred, and that's how it feels to me.)
Regardless of whether or not they stay true to it, that spark is there, and regardless of their beliefs, or their actions, it does not change their inherent value as a person.
Literally, whatever kind of people you might consider "monsters": Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Christians, Jews, Muslums, Budhists, Athiests, Nihilists, LGBT+-eseses, druggies, CEOS, criminals, rapists, psychopaths...
Hecking psychopaths! (And also sociopaths, which seem to be sort of considered a milder version?) The one group that - as far as I can tell - nearly EVERY GROUP, regardless of demographic, tends to be inclined to think should be done away with, in one form or another. A group that, I began to believe some years ago, might be misunderstood... or at least too-broadly overgeneralised and stereotyped.
Because the stereotypes are typically that they have no conscience and/or are even "soulless," and are guaranteed to turn out to basically be killers (or something else that only hurts and oppresses people)... but I believe (again, stemming from my religious upbringing) that everyone does have a spirit (or "soul"), and everyone is born with a conscience (referred to in Church as "the light of Christ"), and everyone has the ability to choose what path they'll take in life, if not the consequences (referred to as "agency").
And I realized one day that those two ideas... just aren't compatible.
And yes, it stems from religious beliefs, but I don't think one needs to be religious (or even spiritual) to potentially ask... what if the stereotypes are wrong?
As a practical example, people have found that a lot of the stereotypes about Autism are wrong... including the idea that we're incapable of empathy. Turns out, we just tend to have more trouble with it with other types of people, because our mindsets are so different... just like other types of people tend to have trouble empathising with us, because the mindsets are so different. I hear it's called the "double empathy problem."
What if the same idea - at least generally, maybe kind of broadly - also applies with psycho- and or sociopaths? 🤔😉
And maybe it's just me, but when I hear that psycho- and/or sociopaths need to be changed by teaching them about empathy... and also that it doesn't really change them so much as teach them how to better fake it (which a lot of them use to lure people even more)... and that maybe it might not even be possible to teach them empathy (at least, neurotypical empathy, for lack of a better term) because it's genetic?
...Well, let me just say that the idea of being required to change into a "normal" person, but maybe-or-maybe-not being unable to, but not really having a choice but to fake it because it's what society demands?
I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that. 😒 It's called "masking." A lot of us are painfully familiar with the experience.
And it's culture-dependant, too. Introverts are often pressured (directly or indirectly) to pretend to be extroverts in places such as America. Extroverts are often pressured to be introverts in places such as Japan and England.
And I have admittedly been afraid to bring up ideas such as this because of how radical and or controversial they seem like they're likely to be - I've been trying to gradually build up and audience and try to gradually work towards the crazier ideas as people get used to me.
...but you know what? It hasn't been working. And right now, I'm afraid I might not have the time to accomplish things that way. And on top of that, right now, I've just found myself too triggered and on-a-roll to not bring it up. 😣
...and the more and more I struggle with stuff like that, the more and more afraid I become that I'll never be able to accomplish something like that... nor to get ideas like these reasonably widespread...
...because that feeling of "teaching the world" has basically become my main drive. But I literally cannot force it, and I cannot do it on my own... literally, the basic concept involves others listening, and accepting the ideas - or at least considering them as, say, thought-experiments - and bare-minimum, sharing them with others.
...and I do not know how to ask for that. Or generally encourage it. My attempts so far haven't worked, and I find myself struggling to believe that it's even possible.
...But DANGIT! At this point, if nothing else, I want to at least try to throw it out there.
...and even still, I find myself struggling to believe that it might result in anything good.
And with that struggle, I find myself struggling not to give up into despair...
...because the idea that I might not be able to make a decent, positive impact on the world, and potentially drive some major social changes... or even create minor ones... is basically my biggest fear...
...and so far, it seems to be coming true... ðŸ˜