Okay...
I see you've clicked open this article, you are probably a man new to the sex scene and wondering how to have better sex; Worry no more, here's your 'definitive' guide to gay sex on Grindr; I promise: unsolicited đ pics will come your way, soon enough. So let me, a somewhat seasoned(not old) Grindr-socialite share some of my ins-ides-ightsđ, on the matter:
First, let me say...Con'drag'tulations, good on you for being honest with your own narcissismâit is not often that we see animals seeking their own body characteristics in the mating pool, ignore the gay penguins and their adopted child(Scottie 2019), cause duh, Germansâor just self-love. A great journey is ahead of, or a-head on you, haha... So Germans, what's the fuss? Actually, is it exactly about the fuss that German penguins have... haha jk; in fact gay-penguin-couples from the UK, Australia and who knows where else, would probably agree(Nellie 2019)?
For making this as PG-13 as possible, we're going ascribe the delicate act of making an hot-dog to the ever so gruesome commitment of casual on-line gay love-making:
YES, IT IS EXACTLY LIKE PROFESSIONAL VIDEOS OF HOT-DOG MAKING; REQUIREMENTS BELOW:
-Bun Integrity(flexibility of the dog holder)
Leave this page if your legs cannot go behind your head: seasoned bottoms..y'all know what I mean;
-Bun 'Puffy-ness'(duh.)
Just unreal; Think Kim in her champaign photo......
-Dog Integrity(we know what this means)
The meatier the merrier...(for Vers and Tops, only)
-Hot-dog Structure Integrity(endurance)
Hmm... Can you run a marathon?
-Initial Investment(pain tolerance)
Under the current political climate, I think one should tolerate a moderate amount of pain (in you bum...or IDK... maybe in the dog, as well)?
-Over All Nutrition(body-shapes)
Same as structural integrity;
-...The hair on Hot-Dogs
Obviously any rational consumer would say preferably none, most hot-dogs don't have hair, do they? So, ready to make home waxing your best friend, sis!
Ouf... what a Get-Ready-List... Sis, Am I right? And now let's get to(yet) some other common Grindr expectations:
-Did you expect hot & steamy?
Well; Not if you're in Canada, HAHA... On a more serious note maybe asking your partner whether if he has a heater, if you're are living in Canada, like the writer; trust me, it helps with the awkwardness when you are coming in form the cold while wanting to make hot-dog right-away.
-Animal/Human/Other Products in your Hot-Dog?
Are you into having an otter, bear, cub, pup, jock, rug, leather or geek, and etc. in your hot-dog? Selection based on preference is available! If you don't fit any of those precisely, don't worry because if you're not a white, cis-gendered male on Grindr, you should skip to the end...
-What's this warm-fuzzy feeling upon eating hot-dogs? Or not...
Do you know that feeling of finally eating the hot-dog that took, well, hours of preparation? Perhaps it has something to do with the chemicals we produce in our brains, after and during consumption; or maybe you just have the desire to make another one instantlyâhey no judgment, we're all built differently (;
-Fake hot-dog making invitations(catfishes and inorganic sources): "Hey this is Richard; I'm a wealthy older man looking for someone to spoil with hot-dogs for money; chat with me through this 'www.seems_legit_but_not_really.com' link, my pictures are real!" âoldgymshark69
So, hot-dog making on Grindr; what a topic, eh? Now if you are a seasoned user like me you've probably already realized that Grindr turns the delightful and natural act of making hot-dogs into somewhat of a commercial selection.
Having accesses to online videos of hot dog making is a truly wonderful thing; think about it, modern technology has yet brought another thing that we can entertain and potentially empower ourselves on, the scrumptious recordings teach tweens the very basics of life, hot-dog making. But entertainment always has a certain fickleness to them; for they are not real, and definitely not practical as not everyone can cook as well as Gordon Ramsey, right? By no means I am hating on any of the wonderful colors and shapes on our rainbow hot-dog, we all prefer either the bun, the dog, both or none! Just be careful if you are in fact looking for love on Grindr, because hot-dog making is not loveâit can do without hot-dog making, both literally and metaphorically.
If you're still wondering the answer to the question of: "Should I swallow?"; let me answer it with yet anotherâswallow what? And for what purpose/cost, hopefully not our pride! Now, let me tell you a true modern gay 'horror' story that happened to me last year when I fully voluntarily showed up to a shady elder guy's place in search of hot-dogs, after a night of clubbing and drinking to the moment I tasted that funk...
Unexpectedly... the taste was definitely not pineapple... But, I was committed...
It wasn't until a few weeks later I got a letter from my routine blood test(PA: all gays, please go test yourself every 3 months if you are having casual sex with multiple partners, for yourself and others that you have sex with), stating me having gonorrhea; yet the real horror wasâsince antibiotics for 2 weeks were a breezeâhaving to contact all my hot-dog partners one by one...
And so...Don't deny yourself the simple pleasure of hot-dog making if you are truly up for it, just practice safe hot-dog making procedures, with healthy expectations.
Feel The Rainbow, try some hot-dogs, go see some penguins and have a great day!
References:
Bowles, Nellie. âThe Gay Penguins of Australia.â The New York Times, The New York Times, 15 Jan. 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/15/style/gay-penguins-australia.html.
retrieved from CNN Travel Andrew, Scottie. âA Gay Penguin Couple Adopted an Egg in a Berlin Zoo.â CNN, Cable News Network, 13 Aug. 2019, https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/13/us/gay-penguin-couple-egg-zoo-berlin-trnd/index.html.